Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

@GlorificusT We found a match for your bf. I would suggest you ask him to dry the dishes if it bothers him that much or you look for a bf who has better priorities in life than how you dry dishes.

I agree with your opening comments….you ARE right to be feeling you are auditioning to live with him! If this is how you feel now, I wonder how you’d be feeling in 6, 12 months time.

His comments are his comments, he entitled to them, it’s your choice, however, as to whether you want to live with them.

He will be a nailed on pain in the arse if you move in with him. Save yourself!

He's not ready to live with you it seems.

Consider yourself fortunate (and now find someone else).

Good for you. It seems you’ve never been in a coercive and controlling relationship.

He’s compiling a list of her perceived weaknesses and deficiencies before they’re even got the keys. Whether he likes it or not, she will leave dishes to dry overnight at some point, even if she tries her hardest not to. He will likely have a laundry list of demands that she will spend the entire relationship trying to meet.

A mature discussion regarding expectations around household chores it’s a great idea before living together. Handing your partner a wish list of things they’d better not do, is not.

I’m sure many people are commenting on here from lived experience. OP is free to make up her own mind and make her own mistakes.

Yes, but on the plus side...

No, sorry, I can't see any...

I'm amazed by how many people think this is ok. You don't decide whether to progress a relationship on the basis of washing up preferences or any other minor things like that. You move in to be together and exercise give and take. He sounds incredibly uncompromising and potentially quite controlling to me.

I think run. Yes, people need to compromise to live together but that doesn't mean presenting a list of demands. And for me at least thinking something as trivial as how you do the dishes would be a reason not to live together would just mean we could never be compatible.

🏃🏼‍♀️

This can be part of a very mature and sensible discussion. Or it can be controlling. I’d be careful making statements like my love trumps all - because living someone, you can love them but they can also annoy the daylights out of you.

Controlling would be these are what I demand but I’m not willing to do all these things. These are my standards, you will meet them to earn my love. In which case, run for the hills.

Mature and sensible discussion is these are things I find really annoying. You’re allowed to say what you find annoying too. From that point there are three routes you could take. 1). It’s annoying to him, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ll do it. I trust he’s going to stop doing the things I find annoying. Move in and continue to have sensible discussions as more annoyances arise. 2). Say I really can’t be arsed to do that/I really won’t remember. Can you take that chore and do it to your standard and I will do this chore that you don’t do to my standard. Move in together and try to do it to the other’s standard if you need to do their chore occasionally. 3). This is a really pedantic thing to get worked up about and you couldn’t care less about it. You can’t work out a fair way to share the chores that makes you both happy - not being too pedantic for you but meeting his standards, so you don’t move in. You continue living separately and have your own rules and own standards for your own homes or you break up.

There's a way to be nit picky but without seeming critical - honestly this is a massive test of communication styles - if they don't work then it may be best to abort.

Love only gets your so far - the ability to critique each other healthily is such an important factor

@GlorificusT my dp does the dishes and that means washes, dries, puts away. When I do the dishes, I wash them and leave them to dry usually overnight. It took me years to realise we meant different things when we said ‘I will do the dishes’ but once communicated I understood more about what they meant. Dp is Autistic.

someone autistic can have very different communication and it’s important to work out and specify things. Having a list may be a way for your DP to remember what he wants to say.

keep talking, it may help

neither way is correct they are just different ways of doing the dishes

now I know I try harder to wash, dry and put away, (cos my DP prefers that and I love them) but I don’t do it always. But then my DP and I don’t argue about that.

Run

I always think the best way of showing your standards is by demonstrating it yourself. I think a much healthier way of him communicating would be for him to offer to help you get the light fitting done. Similarly with the washing up - helping you do the drying and saying "I hope you don't mind, I just personally have a thing about leaving things to dry".

Without that empathetic demonstration of different behaviours it comes across very judgemental - which is the first way to put someone off romantically - well done for sharing!

If my bf paid for something in my home id be furious it screams to me oh little useless woman here I am, man, fixed it for you! Be the last think he paid to fix

Sometimes love is not enough.

Sorry but I don't think he's done anything wrong, he is being sensible, he is on the spectrum and is particular about his home.
Living with someone else may not even be a thing he is capable of long term op.
I think you have expectations that are unfair for him, you need to rethink the social expectations of relationship stages and what they may look like with him instead of a NT man.

He's not the one that came to you and said, I want to live together but you must change XYZ.

Did his ex actually not lift a finger, or did she just commit heinous domestic crimes like air-drying dishes? He sounds like a nightmare - if he's this nitpicky now it'll only go downhill. It sounds like he's presenting this as something you need to fix about yourself rather than something you'll need to compromise on - if he's being more egalitarian about it that's not so bad, but giving you a list of corrections before he blesses you with his presence is an absolute no. Avoid.

To be honest my OH is really untidy and sometimes it drives me nuts! I wish we had discussed some “ground rules” as I’m sure I do things that drive him nuts too! I’m with you OH on washing up and putting away straight away, it’s so much less hassle in the mornings!

I agree. It’s the little niggles that cause the biggest problems.

Honestly can you really be bothered with him, you'll be walking on egg shells before you know it. Tell him it's more hygienic to leave dishes to dry naturally.

He could have paid for someone to fix the light fitting and dried the dishes himself, but he didn't.

It looks as though he'll be nagging you into conforming to HIS standards.

I wouldn't move in with him.

Fucking hell! what a mismatch in finances.

Date and marry and have kids with your financial equal. It'll end better.