Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

Possibly why she is the ex. I bet she binned him when she discovered his laziness.

It doesn’t sound very sexy does it 🤪. Isn’t the idea of living together meant to be exciting initially? Not bloody drying dishes and light switches.

Save yourself years of nonsense and just run away now.

Under no circumstances should you ever consider moving in with this critical, uptight neatnik.

Now that you've seen that he keeps a running list of your "faults" and has zero self awareness, do you think you'll ever be able to unsee it?

Stay in your own home. Live your life the way you want to.

Leave him to his own ways in his own place. I'd hesitate to even have him over to yours after the conversation you had.

In fact, in love or not, I'd back away fairly fast from the relationship. There has to be better partnership material out there.

Living with someone is the most overrated goal ever. Everything goes out the window and you're treated like an old sock on the radiator

Make your own list of dealbreakers and see how much compromise can be reached. If still have conflicting aims then don't live together .

I wouldn't have my dishes coated with bacteria, it's healthier to leave them to air dry. People on the spectrum can't compromise on certain things, it's better to be open and honest about things. It could be that you aren't incompatible. It could be that your DP would need to live with someone as organised and passive, for it to work.

Hmmm… maybe.

Or maybe he’s just really anal about his house rules. Be warned op: there are few things worse to live with than an anal rule-wielder.

I think the pertinent question here is whether he bothered to find out why the light switch wasn’t fixed before he criticised. OP explained she needs a joiner for the job and the need for a washing machine trumped the expense - if he knew this did he offer to help ? Similarly with the dishes - does he eat there ? If so, then why doesn’t he dry the dishes himself if he doesn’t like the way OP does things ?

He is saying No
without saying no

he is saying incompatible….

Absolutely have, but I still find things irritating about people that doesn’t mean I am abusive. I try not to let my experiences of abuse cloud my judgement of everyone! Someone telling me I do shit that annoys them does not make them abusive.. someone refusing to accept they do annoying shit too and makes changes and constantly berate and belittle me does make them abusive.

you do not know he is abusive. That’s why I said if he only expected her to change and him not then that’s an issue.

he didn’t hand her a list. She said let’s move in, he said there’s some things I don’t like, she asked what those things were. He gave them.

in my experience of living with an abuser, he wouldn’t be able to keep it in, even not living together he’d have said it, belittled me, joked about it. This guy hasn’t said a word until OP asked

just think it’s a stretch to assume he is abusive because there are things that annoy him, that alone doesn’t make him abusive or controlling.

I was seeing someone, he made the bed and moved my pillows, I struggle to sleep when my pillows get moved. Asked him not to touch my pillows said it annoys me and explained why. We didn’t live together so am I abusive because I shared with him something I didn’t like?

You asked a question and he answered it seriously. Maybe you should extend him the courtesy of reciprocating

Seeing someone’s space and how they behave in it is very telling. If I felt a partner was messy or slack when it came to maintaining their home I wouldn’t be rushing to live with them either.

If he truly wanted to live with you because he loves you he wouldn’t even notice such minor shit

I’ve no idea what your boyfriend’s actually like, but this is damned if you do damned if you don’t.

Couples should vocalise expectations before moving in together. You asked him a question and he seems to have taken it seriously and answered it.

I couldn't live with him, he would drive me mad. I allow my dishes to dry naturally too. And ofcourse you are going to prioritise your washing machine over a working light fitting, that makes perfect sense. He could have offered to fix it but no he simply added it to his private list of your "flaws." Not a keeper this one imo.

You need to talk about expectations and finances.

When DH and I first lived together there was a period of adjustment as I hate housework and he was more houseproud. We had a big row one day and decided to write a list of "irritations" to discuss more calmly as a sort of "house rules" agreement. I only came up with about 5 or 6 things that annoyed me about him - he had 2 sides of closely typed A4 about my annoying ways! 🤣

Despite our differences we've managed to remain married for over 20yrs and raise 2 DC. DH does the ironing as he finds it calming and I loathe it, especially shirts. He stacks the dishwasher, I unpack it. When DC grew older they got chores to do (laying the table, bring down the laundry etc). We all try to make it work. It's not perfect but works most of the time.

Then don't leave the dishes dripping and dry them yourself if it bothers you. And she couldn't comfortably afford to get the switch fixed, what's she supposed to do? Get a second job just so she can get stuff fixed so it won't bother him?

I agree that compatibility is important, but it does involve some reasoning and compromise.

I think there are double standards here.

Everyone calling on OP to dump him. If a woman said on here she was dumped because she explained to her partner prior to living together that she didn't like him leaving dishes o drip dry overnight and that she'd notice a light had been broken for a while, everyone would think it was the most ridiculous thing ever.

He clearly isn't ready to move in together and that's OK.

To be honest the dishes wouldn't bother me but I would be put off by someone who hasn't fixed something in 3 months.

Run.

You two are not a match. Do not move in together.

I live with someone a bit like this - dislikes the way I load the dishwasher, nitpicks about minor stuff etc etc and it does drive you a bit mad. What is most annoying though is that it seems like it is always his way as when I bring things up he does that I don't like he gets defensive. How would your BF react if you pointed out a lot of things you would like him to do differently when/if you live together? If you can discuss and reach compromises on the things that irritate you/each other then fine but if it is him checking you meet his standards all the time I wouldn't move in

I couldn't live with someone like that. There would be any number of insanely unimportant things all the time.

I think it's fine to have conditions and standards and expectations, but they should be about important things like money and allergies and schedules and house security and things like that.

A fixation on such minor things can't lead to anything other than a simultaneously monotonous and stressful life.

Are you considering having children with him in the future? I’d be concerned about how he’d cope surrounded by the chaos kids bring. Drying with a tea towel is a personal preference - I could imagine the kids would get constant pernickety instructions about the way he has decided things should be done

I think this is the only advice needed!