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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

464 replies

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

OP posts:
SalfordQuays · 31/03/2025 20:18

Mudkipper · 31/03/2025 19:36

He could have paid for someone to fix the light fitting and dried the dishes himself, but he didn't.

It looks as though he'll be nagging you into conforming to HIS standards.

I wouldn't move in with him.

@Mudkipper why should he pay for repairs in her house?

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 20:18

MyNameIsAnna · 31/03/2025 19:04

If he wants some things doing a certain way, then they can be his jobs. I don’t dry and put away pans immediately after washing them. If my husband wanted that doing then he’s welcome to do it himself.

I don't want little bits of fluff from tea towels all over my plates or have to wash tea towels all the time. My plates air dry and that is non-negotiable! Why put up with someone wanting to do unnecessary jobs?

Original poster
GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:18

In a way I’m sorry I ever opened Pandora’s box.

We were very happy seeing each other every week and there’s been lots of romance and happiness despite how anal he sounds here.

Now everything is about rules and discussing my deficiencies.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 31/03/2025 20:18

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 20:16

OMG it's more hygienic to air dry plates and more environmental!

Show quote history

No no!! See my post!!!

( But it is unlikely to kill you!)

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/03/2025 20:17

You have a clear unambiguous warning here,that he’s boorish bully. Don’t move in together

Loubelou71 · 31/03/2025 20:17

How long have you been together?

Daleksatemyshed · 31/03/2025 20:16

If he's on the spectrum Op that can sometimes translate into very black and white thinking, he's already listing things he thinks you're doing wrong and that doesn't suggest much ability to compromise. As you say it's like a test you have to pass and there will be lots of other things you don't agree on. He should be happy you'd like to live together but he's not. Don't sell yourself short Op

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 20:16

ThejoyofNC · 31/03/2025 19:01

Seems sensible that me. He wants to see if you'll both be on the same page so he can decide whether it will work for him or not.

I couldn't live with someone who leaves dishes to drip dry and leaves things needing to be done for months on end.

OMG it's more hygienic to air dry plates and more environmental!

Crikeyalmighty · 31/03/2025 20:16

No thanks! I’m tidy and have a nice home but I lived with an absolute nit picker /control freak many years ago and it felt like living with a bored pensioner. ( and I was30 at the time)

Calliopespa · 31/03/2025 20:16

Whooowhooohoo · 31/03/2025 20:00

He is saying No
without saying no

he is saying incompatible….

I think so too actually .

I also think he’s a bullet dodged op.

Jabtastic · 31/03/2025 20:16

Don't rush to live with him. He isn't ready and you may never be compatible as housemates. Watchful waiting is a good strategy.

lazycats · 31/03/2025 20:16

SavageTomato · 31/03/2025 20:12

He doesn't want a partner, an equal, he wants a slavish housekeeper. Fuck that with a very long barge pole. Dump him right now. Absolute fucking freak of a so called man.

this thread can’t decide if he’s a clean freak or a layabout. Classic mumsnet

Calliopespa · 31/03/2025 20:15

Autumntree · 31/03/2025 20:13

May I ask what's wrong with leaving dishes to dry overnight?

Oooh I just typed a post on this above!!! Since you asked! 🤣

But in reality plenty of people do it and live to see another day .

Autumntree · 31/03/2025 20:13

May I ask what's wrong with leaving dishes to dry overnight?

Tagyoureit · 31/03/2025 20:13

He's actually going to a right pain in the arse to live with and he's clearly showing you that now!! Believe it!!

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 31/03/2025 20:13

Nah I hate drying the dishes straight away. Most people use cloth that will leave tiny bits, nooooooooo - just let them dry on their own please

SavageTomato · 31/03/2025 20:12

He doesn't want a partner, an equal, he wants a slavish housekeeper. Fuck that with a very long barge pole. Dump him right now. Absolute fucking freak of a so called man.

Calliopespa · 31/03/2025 20:12

Ponoka7 · 31/03/2025 20:01

I wouldn't have my dishes coated with bacteria, it's healthier to leave them to air dry. People on the spectrum can't compromise on certain things, it's better to be open and honest about things. It could be that you aren't incompatible. It could be that your DP would need to live with someone as organised and passive, for it to work.

Actually without wanting to derail, I used to think that, then watched a documentary on household germs. Apparently the healthiest thing is to dry with a sterilised ( ie run a hot iron over it) tea towel. The “drying dishes spreads germs” thing comes from situations where people re-use teatowels that have sat damp since the last drying. If the teatowel is perfectly clean, it is more hygienic to dry them than leave them damp ( for bacteria to land on where there is moisture to allow bacteria to grow.)

But whether or not he has a point is kind of beside the point: he sounds bossy and uptight OP. And I bet his last gf wasn’t all that messy; she just didn’t do it all his way.

Original poster
GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:12

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 31/03/2025 20:06

It doesn’t sound very sexy does it 🤪. Isn’t the idea of living together meant to be exciting initially? Not bloody drying dishes and light switches.

Not in the least. We have a pretty good sex life but I’m in danger of being turned off permanently.

that said I’d probably add ‘not enough oral sex’ to his list of cons but im not sure he’d appreciate that.

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 31/03/2025 20:11

And this is why I wouldn't live with anyone again, or have a full on relationship. I'm done with compromise and pleasing people and I guess I'm going to get worse the longer I'm living on my own, lol.

It's natural to like things done your own way and maybe he worded it badly when he explained to you. Not sure who is moving in with who or if you were planning on getting somewhere together. However, maybe you should take a few minutes to write your own pro's and con's. If he's not willing to be flexible then it'll never work. For example - I always wash up at the end of the evening (don't dry). Sometimes I might not, that's my choice. Would he blow a gasket if you did that?

Crackanut · 31/03/2025 20:11

DenholmElliot11 · 31/03/2025 19:30

So he's already got one failed long term relationship behind him?

Not a good sign.

\it does sound as though he's offering himself up as some sort of prize you get to win if you behave yourself.

Why do you want to live with him? I'm guessing it's financial?

Show quote history

So he's already got one failed long term relationship behind him?
Not a good sign

You think everyone settles down with their first serious relationship? Why is it not a good sign?

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/03/2025 20:09

Yes. Definitely double standards @OneWaryCat.

Treesinthewind · 31/03/2025 20:09

Run for the hills! For me, the fact he said he'd noticed things but didn't tell you all of them is a massive red flag. It's designed to keep you on your toes.

RiversofOtter5 · 31/03/2025 20:08

OneWaryCat · 31/03/2025 19:52

I think there are double standards here.

Everyone calling on OP to dump him. If a woman said on here she was dumped because she explained to her partner prior to living together that she didn't like him leaving dishes o drip dry overnight and that she'd notice a light had been broken for a while, everyone would think it was the most ridiculous thing ever.

He clearly isn't ready to move in together and that's OK.

To be honest the dishes wouldn't bother me but I would be put off by someone who hasn't fixed something in 3 months.

It's not a double standard. If OP intends to have children with this man, or be with him through perimenopause and menopause, she is putting herself at risk of being judged and not supported for housekeeping standards also at times when she is physically and mentally vulnerable. Someone who is unloving about minor details isn't a good prospect to go through life stages with.

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/03/2025 20:07

There is no need to quote the opening post when you are replying on any thread @Starling7. It is assumed you are replying to the OP unless you say otherwise. It just makes the thread ridiculously cluttered and long.