Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

As you’ve (belatedly) said, he’s on the spectrum. Clearly this is how it presents itself, judging it like he’s neurotypical is a bit strange.

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Run for the hills.

Red flags!

I think neither of you are ready for it yet to be honest. I think if you're going to live together you need to be able to find compromise, both need to work out what you need to take on board to keep your partner happy even if it's not something you would normally do, and which hills are really not worth dying over and how to let these go properly. And how to have these conversations honestly but tactfully. I think it's a silver lining that you're realising this now before you've moved in together though.

If this is the first conversation you've had about it then I think there needs to be many more. You need to be really really clear on what way you each envision living together looking like from small things like routines and responsibilities to bigger things like family, pets, in laws, money management and protection of assets etc.

If he has ASD he may be quite set in his ways and have a very clear routine that works well for him living alone so moving in with a partner will be a big step for you both. I would be inclined to both write down a list of worries you have to try and work through them with a solution focused mindset together. Either you'll be able to do it as a team or you won't. If you can't then I'd say your relationship isn't there yet.

Don’t move in with him unless you want raised eyebrows sighs and the silent treatment every time you don’t live up to his standards

I feel like the fact he is on the spectrum is a massive bit of context that you've missed from the original post. To someone completely neuro typical, leaving dishes to dry over night and not putting them away is something small but to someone neurodivergent, this kind of thing can be massive. It may be pert of his routine that he can't digress from because of his ND or it could be some form of OCD. Pretty crucial bit to leave out. I think he's been really sensible in his approach tbh.

Just tell him you don’t think you could live with him cos he dries up without hot-ironing the tea towels first op. It’ll blow his mind 🤯

Maybe you two do a holiday two weeks self catering and see how it goes.
If one person likes to leave laundry out to dry and one person only likes dryer, see if this is something that one is willing to change or the other can learn to tolerate.
I could pick up new rules or habits for a partner I really loved - eg I often leave clothes that are worn but not dirty on a chair. If someone really hated this and it made them stressed I could agree to hang them or put them back In drawers. But I'd expect him to be willing to do my rules like putting the loo seat down or always replacing loo roll etc

I don’t see why he’s getting a hard time.

You say, ‘Wanna live together?’

He says, ‘Hm - these things would drive me up the wall. Could you change them?’

You say, ‘Fuck off - no. You’re lucky to have me.’

He says, ‘No, then.’

Seems very sensible to me. Better than
shacking up and finding out.

Why?

That would be a no from me 😂

I couldn't live with someone who couldnt cope with a few dishes not being put away.

Yes, True on both counts.

I use the eco cycle on a dishwasher which I hope addresses all these concerns.

Yes, so then you can rinse and then air dry.

Honestly I think it’s absolutely fair enough & there would be far less unhappy people in long term relationships full of resentment on here if everybody was this open and transparent about how they like to live.

Also ( and I am derailing by honing in on this … maybe I’d be a good partner for him 😆) but if you don’t rinse the soap off then don’t towel dry, the soap really does stay on.

" Apparently the healthiest thing is to dry with a sterilised ( ie run a hot iron over it) tea towel. The “drying dishes spreads germs” thing comes from situations where people re-use teatowels that have sat damp since the last drying. If the teatowel is perfectly clean, it is more hygienic to dry them than leave them damp ( for bacteria to land on where there is moisture to allow bacteria to grow.)"

Yes, but then you'd be constantly washing and ironing tea towels, which is a lot of unnecessary work AND UNENVIRONMENTAL!

I just saw this. He is unlikely to develop the mental flexibility to be the laidback housemate you want. I would rethink your relationship if you want to live with a partner. He is likely to have an invisible mental list of 'acceptable behaviours' which may well be incompatible with your needs.

And compromise too

I think she possibly just didn't do it to his standards

You’re just not compatible. Not anyone’s fault. I hate dishes left out to dry as well 😀

His concerns are reasonable, as is your reaction! You don’t sound compatible.

Honestly, that would really put me off. There was a poster on here a while ago who found a list of all the things her partner didn't like about her, though he hadn't mentioned any of them, and this is similar. He's found you're not up to scratch. Why are you still wanting to be with him after that?