Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

There is a massive ongoing thread on MN about supporting people with partners with ASD that I think you should read before you commit to anything.

I imagine having to wrangle children so they and their surroundings maintain the required standard of neatness would be stressful, particularly if it was seen as 'your' job.

I'm not much of a one for romance but this is vaulting over the young love stage completely and arriving way too soon at middle-aged long-married bickering over trivia.

Don't move in ... he should have sorted the light and dried the pots!

Your home keeping standards don't align. At least he's been upfront, so you can give him a swerve.

Personally I think air-drying is a lot more hygienic because after the first few items, a slightly-damp a tea towel doesn't get things properly dry, so everything gets put away with a thin trace of water on. I have friends who insist on drying and putting away immediately and ALL of them have musty-smelly cupboards.
That aside... If you have different views on what's 'right', you'll might be uncomfortable living with each other. He'll be biting his tongue, and you'll be walking on eggshells, just to maintain a polite negotiated compromise.

DO NOT move in with him. If this is him now, god help you. You are not compatible

if there was a bottle with a genie in it, it would have come out sooner or later.....better sooner!

Compromise is a two way street. If he is giving his demands and your doing all the "compromising" then it's not much of a relationship.

And whatever his parents are like or whatever his ex was like is not your problem. Don't move in with him. Keep dating him like you have been, if you want. But I think I would throw this one back and look for someone more compatible to taking the next step with.

I dont totally disagree except I’d say that the nd people I know were less lovey dovey and more upfront with their partners early on. It may be this is as bad as it gets. Or it may not…

This whole conversation started because we are deciding to have kids or not and feel we need to live together way before we can reach that stage. I said I was on the fence but want to keep the kids option on the table, he now says he wants to.

Have I misread this? You said you weren't sure about kids, and he said he wants to have kids? If so, is he playing some stupid tit for tat like 'oh, you're not sure if you want to have kids with me? well, I'm not sure I want to live with YOU because umm, you leave dishes to air dry instead of drying them immediately?'

Apologies if I've misinterpreted your post, I am shattered tonight!

It's very different living with someone all the time compared to holidays and weekends. To be honest I'd say when someone tells you who they are, listen. I wish I had. It was incredibly hard. Also if he is autistic you may find he takes you by surprise with things sometimes - stuff you couldn't imagine, frankly.

It was only when we were together for a while that he finally showed me who he actually was - not a bad person, for sure, but where my priorities were home, family, fun, he spent his time fighting against the world and worrying about politics, often foreign politics whereas I was just worrying about how to stop him doing the washing & ruining my clothes

All I will say OP is do you want to be happy? If the answer is yes than run a mile. You're supposed to be in the lovey dovey honeymoon phase where you can do no wrong. If he is already being critical before you've even moved in together you need to run for the hills. He will make your life a misery and ruin your self esteem. Noone is perfect and you need to find someone who isn't so picky. I bet he is one of them who never do anything wrong and will never allow you to be right about anything either if it means he is in the wrong. God I hate men. 🙄

They are odd to me too, but I guess this is his way of telling you they are hills he’d die on.

Doesn’t come across like that though. This isn’t someone willing to compromise and find a middle ground. He wants to make sure that OP does it all his way. I couldn’t live with someone that uptight.

Nothing wrong with leaving dishes to air dry. More hygienic. Doesn’t mean they’ll be there for months.

He is showing you that he prefers to live alone - so let him.

@GlorificusT The bigger picture is:

He saw that you were struggling with the light switch issue whilst sorting out other things - and he didn't think to offer to help alleviate this for you?

Doesn't seem like a good one to live with.

Imagine when you have babies or young kids, exhausted from childbirth, etc ...and there he'll be nit picking everything isn't perfect?

He ain't seen nothing yet if he's worried about dishes drying on the rack unattended...

I think he's being sensible. I think you are likely not compatible. He's not going to change, but nor should you. I wonder if he was likely uncompromising and critical in his marriage and may underestimate how much he contributed to the break up. But I do kind of hope you can talk it through and road test it - the crucial bit being how he acts on your needs in the relationship. Be really specific and detailed - do it in his style.

I wouldn't want someone who leaves dishes out over night or does not mend things as I do things like the boyfriend. However I would be wanting things like a pre nup or co habitation agreement and probably not wanting to move in until married and both committed to having children - more important things than dishes.

Absolutely. I hope OP listens to this.

If not OP, update us all in a few years (months) time and hopefully prove us wrong. But I can’t see it.

Oh no! Please don’t fall into the sunken cost fallacy. I’ve been there myself. This is just one huge giant red flag of a situation.

Sirens are blaring here that this is a recipe for a disaster, or at least some unhappy and uncomfortable years living together where you waste even more time. You make your own choices in this life, but I really would advise against it. You’re not compatible.

See you can see even just on this thread that people are divided over this though, showing he is not the only one who feels this way.

Some people aren’t bothered about clean dishes left out overnight, some people would see the dishes being out- even clean ones- as a messy kitchen.

The dishes are clean!

If it bothered you enough that you were considering breaking up over it would you not offer to help? This has nothing to do with the sex of the parties it has to do with the way they each regard the idea of sharing space and chores/life.

Honestly, OP, run don’t walk away from this relationship. What you can see is that mr ok sex/neat freak is fine for a part time relationship (long distance dating and sex) but doesn’t have the EQ for extended intimacy and round the clock interdependence. Its not right or wrong. It just is. To the extent the dating phase is an audition for living together he thinks you failed. He didn’t think “oh great I get to move in and share wealth and woe and dish putting away. There’s a light switch I’ve just been aching to fix!” Instead he started fault finding snd acting like he ordered a better dish and got served a substandard version and now wants the meal comped.

Classic Triangulation, comparing you to an ex who did/didn't do this or that.

When someone tells you who they are - listen.

Run.