Aibu - not your grief

Are they though?
Maybe they just think it’s sad.
I don’t post on FB but I can’t get worked up about this.

Exactly.
Sorry for your loss Choc X

YANBU it’s utterly ghoulish

Someone who is grieving a close family or friend doesn’t give a toss about anyone stealing their attention or grief. What they do like is people saying nice things about the deceased person. I found it so comforting reading messages from people I had no idea had been touched in some little way by my family member. There’s not a limited amount of grief.

By posting on their own FB pages they aren’t ‘stealing attention away’ from anyone. Attention isn’t rationed. I was very touched when people commented on the death of my parents and said something nice about them even if they’d never met either of them. It showed that they were valued and my loss was being recognised.

YANBU, I do think people can overstep in these circumstances. It's one thing to comment on a post made by someone directly connected to the person who's passed away to express your condolences, but it's something quite different to make your own post.

At the start of the year, there was a sudden death of a young lady who was quite a prolific poster on some of the dog groups I follow (I think she may have very sadly taken her life). Lots of people were demanding regular updates to know how her dog was getting on, when it had been established early on that her parents were taking care of him. I think her cousin responded that the dog was being well taken care of and it was basically a shit situation for everyone involved and there was nothing new to report (no shit). Sometimes people don't engage their brains and think how their words could affect others. People were sharing the log in details to watch the funeral without establishing how people knew her, which I found a bit sketchy and in poor taste.

I get it, I lost a close friend last year very suddenly, there were a few of these posts knocking about. As close as we were I just couldn’t bring myself to post anything as it just didn’t sit right with me.

When I spoke to her family they made a few comments about these posts and that these people hardly knew her, one of them actively disliked her (think a bitchy school mum). I agree some people like to make tragedies about themselves. Some random even got a tattoo for her!

Grief and death is a funny thing! Especially when it suddenly and tragic.

I don't think you are being especially unreasonable but those comments are actually quite mild compared to some made by grief vultures, at least the person is openly admitting they only met the deceased once and aren't claiming they were BFFs for life.

It's a personal thing but I'm not particularly comfortable with putting everything online thought. Last week a friend of my parents passed away. Even though he wasn't someone I knew well, nor saw much of in recent years he was someone who had been around for my whole life and his death feels like the world has lost an institution.

I have sent a card to his children, will attend the funeral with my mum and pay my respects to a wonderful man but I don't see what would be to gain from plastering it over SM because as you say OP it's not my loss/grief.

It depends on the content and context. My cousin died Saturday. He was in his 50s we grew up like brothers. His wife posted, as did his sister, to tell friends/family and to express their grief.

However, a friend of his posted a picture of the two of them together. That friend was celebrating his birthday and the poignant fact he had outlived own father...but took time to remember my cousin.

I spoke to my cousin wife yesterday who was touched and moved by the tribute.

That said I haven't posted anything or replied to the posts because I don't want to make it look like it's about me. The wife and sister know how I feel and I was in touch throughout his illness. I don't need to tell the world how I feel. And I don't to be "oh look how sad I am"

It's like the post yesterday. Dh hadn't said anything on socials about mothers day...but had bought presents, flowers taken her out. Or the one the other week when the boyfriend hadn't posted about her birthday. You shouldn't live your life through social media.

So are they posting to their own pages?

That's strange. Usually, people post messages to the page of the person who died.

I agree posting to one's OWN page, "Alas, poor @Yorick, I didn't know him at all well (only met him the once)" is a bit strange.

its a bit ironic though, when people post about their Facebook friends being pathetic. Like, you’re the one who has pathetic friends, it’s not a great look for you either 🙈😭

Why does it bother you?

I know what you mean and it is very distasteful.
Let me make the death of someone I barely know all about me and my feelings. Give me hugz hun and attention.

I think your “sneering” * at their comments is your own version of over involvement in a death showing, just differently.

Even if you don’t genuinely care, it’s still some level of shock and emotional reaction from unexpected tragic news

(* sneering isn’t quite the right word but can’t think of a better one to describe you overthinking a strangers show of support on social media)

Publishing a full on interview about the death of a child without the permission of the bereaved parents is in no way comparable to an online friend saying "I'll miss Sarah* She was such a lovely friend" on FB or wherever it is.

They were also expressing what a lovely child this was, and how sad it was. But it was so crass to go public for work accolades, and so soon.

am I being unreasonable to get annoyed at all the “I only met xxx once 3 years ago but she seemed lovely” posts and people jumping on the bandwagon posting about her death.

Where are they posting this to - her FB page? If so, how do you know?

That's very, very different to this person's online friends expressing that she was a lovely woman.

I suppose it's the modern day equivalent of a condolence card.
I got a lot of those when my lovely husband died and, although I barely knew some of the folk who sent them, I did find a wee smidge of comfort from someone else saying they were "sorry" he had died and other kind words.
None of it helps at the time, but it is just someone else acknowledging the deceased's existence.

Agreed, OP. DD lost a friend a few years ago and I NEVER posted anything on socials—I will not use the death of a child for my own dopamine hit for likes on social media.

People do crazy things, though. One of the children in the friendship group has parents who work for a local newspaper, and before any details were out/public, the newspaper parent published an interview with their own child, describing what kind of a friend the deceased child was, and how sad it was. I was livid on behalf of the grieving mother. It wasn’t the newspaper parent’s place to go public with the death to such a wide audience literally hours after it happened. Their child had been given personal insider info because their child was friends with the deceased child, and their first thought was to plaster it online on their work website.