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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I snapped at work… how bad is it?

217 replies

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:23

Im in a mid management role, no direct reports but do work with people more junior, their job is to support me and my peer in the delivery of key business tasks.

I’m relatively new in the role (6 months) there are some obscure processes and policies I’m still finding out about. My performance in role has been met with praise from exco, so I’m doing well)

there is one jnr who frankly is incredibly difficult to the extent I dread working together because it’s a battle. A simple task is met with a huge amount of pushback and moaning and reasons why not to do something. Things mysteriously not getting saved etc etc. General rudeness. It has been escalated.

this is a persistent issue with everyone but I do feel it’s worse with me.

today, very simple bau task, the same nonsense very aggressive with it too. Then basically tattles to my peer on zoom, who then sides with me and invites me to the call. The junior guy then turns around and flips it on me, saying it’s not his responsibility and how the direction wasn’t clear. To which i pointed out it’s fine to ask a question if the ask isn’t clear but xyz needs to be done. He mumbles some shit sarcy shit about it not being clear, my peer says the email I sent was pretty clear and he’s been in role long enough to know what was meant. He mutters something under his breath. I snapped. I said, you can always ask for clarification and I don’t think the underhanded comments are needed, and it’s making me quite cross, so to that end I’m leaving this call. I think I was calm in my tone of voice, but I was shaking on the inside.

was I hideously unprofessional

my logic was, I’m not getting drawn into an argument of he said she said and playing the blame game, especially when I was feeling quite tense. They really landed me in it big time last week through not doing some key tasks. I had to work well into the night to sort it .

am I going to get a telling off?

OP posts:
PointsSouth · 31/03/2025 19:16

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 16:09

I said, I’m going to leave the call though, bye. I did feel connected. Waa.

now I’m just overthinking this. Feeling like a right idiot. But I didn’t want to get angrier but my peer messaged me back and was like, ‘you’re fine lol’ so can’t be that much of a big deal? Right?

No, it's not not a big deal. It's a very small deal.

I think it's professional and conscientious of you to be so concerned about whether you ballsed-up. But in the end, you can't tell. You have to trust your peer's assessment of the situation.

So, if the person who would be pissed off is not pissed off - and is telling you in writing that it's fine - I'd say you have to believe it's fine and conclude that there's no reason to beat yourself up over it.

I also think that you need to make sure that someone - not you - instigates a formal procedure to help the junior stop being such an arsehole.

SD1978 · 31/03/2025 19:11

I don’t see an issue. You have someone who is repeatedly not performing the role they are supposed to. He was making passive aggressive mumbling comments under his breath. The meeting was going no where, and you called out the unprofessionalism. You then left the call. I’d hope they took it as a wake up call that they won’t get to keep getting away with their underperformance, I wouldn’t feel I was the issue if I’d been in your position

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 19:06

tachetastic · 31/03/2025 18:46

I don't think anything you said will get you into trouble, but I do think that telling him that he is making you so cross that you need to leave the call is giving him all the power.

So I would not expect any repercussions, but you may have gone down slightly in people's esteem.

If it happens in future at least say something like "Look, [big boss or client] is calling me so I need to go now, but we should talk about this again later" and then hang up.

I don't think it's necessary to lie. People would guess it's not true anyway.

I think it's fair enough to say you need to pause and think because the conversation isn't going anywhere at the moment.

TheseCalmSeas · 31/03/2025 19:04

Oh my love, I know that weird impending doom feeling.

Sounds like you were professional but human too. It’s perfectly reasonable to not tolerate poor & what feels like personal comments. I wish I had the balls to leave calls in the past!

I think it’s time it really was escalated though and managed correctly. It’s taking up too much time and brain space.

Cherrysoup · 31/03/2025 19:02

You really need to speak to your manager and start junior on an improvement plan. He sounds a complete pain.

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 18:54

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 18:29

Oh I thought that was this morning!

either way op…. You have evidence that you made a reasonable request in a clear way. and your peer was witness to his behaviour.

So if you are hauled up whereas he appears to be able to piss lots of people off for years and the company to just smile and pat his head (in fact promote him!!)…. Then it will comfirm that you need to be job hunting!

It was but we had some follow up this afternoon

OP posts:
tachetastic · 31/03/2025 18:46

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:48

Yes the leaving the call, I instantly felt like a knob because I let it rile me.

ordinarily I would’ve gently called him on it, but he left me In the shit big time last week, and my kid had an emergency this morning, that resulted in an emergency medical appointment so I was probably more tense that normal.

i said nothing untoward but I’m worried I look shit now basically or weak or a drama queen

I don't think anything you said will get you into trouble, but I do think that telling him that he is making you so cross that you need to leave the call is giving him all the power.

So I would not expect any repercussions, but you may have gone down slightly in people's esteem.

If it happens in future at least say something like "Look, [big boss or client] is calling me so I need to go now, but we should talk about this again later" and then hang up.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 31/03/2025 18:39

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:43

I think my tone was fine, because I didn’t shout or anything I just it wasn’t necessary and left, but it’s the whole leaving thing. It just really rattled me

It IS necessary. He's being an asshole.

He needs to be managed out the door and down the road.

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 18:31

Were you shaking on the inside due to anger or feeling anxious?

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 18:29

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 18:26

If you must know, I had a half day due to the emergency situation with my kid

Oh I thought that was this morning!

either way op…. You have evidence that you made a reasonable request in a clear way. and your peer was witness to his behaviour.

So if you are hauled up whereas he appears to be able to piss lots of people off for years and the company to just smile and pat his head (in fact promote him!!)…. Then it will comfirm that you need to be job hunting!

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 18:28

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 18:26

Probably best not to work with other people when you're all het up. Her taking time out is better for her colleagues potentially.

^ plus also this

OP posts:
Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 18:26

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 18:21

and straight after it would seem… you mumsnetted instead of worked!

If you must know, I had a half day due to the emergency situation with my kid

OP posts:
Americano75 · 31/03/2025 18:26

I think you actually did great!

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 18:26

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 18:21

and straight after it would seem… you mumsnetted instead of worked!

Probably best not to work with other people when you're all het up. Her taking time out is better for her colleagues potentially.

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 18:21

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 17:16

its been an ongoing issue, but the meeting saga was today

and straight after it would seem… you mumsnetted instead of worked!

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 18:18

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 18:09

"‘ if you want it done do it yourself’"

At first glance, extremely rude!
However, I do have some superiors who cannot delegate at all and want things done exactly in the same way they would have done it themselves. That is not possible, because other people are not telepathic so when superiors are extremely fussy, I am also tempted to tell them do it themselves!

It was a case again of a simple ask, and not wanting to do it in the format asked, as I said it’s a similar story that plays out with this guy

OP posts:
Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 31/03/2025 18:12

babasaclover · 31/03/2025 17:07

😂😂😂 might be something I’m familiar with too

Me too! Not my finest moment and lots of apologising and blaming the dog!

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 18:09

"‘ if you want it done do it yourself’"

At first glance, extremely rude!
However, I do have some superiors who cannot delegate at all and want things done exactly in the same way they would have done it themselves. That is not possible, because other people are not telepathic so when superiors are extremely fussy, I am also tempted to tell them do it themselves!

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 18:07

Lilactimes · 31/03/2025 18:04

Just read all your posts - I have worked in quite senior management in private sector for a few decades.
I wouldn’t tell you off - you’re only human and you left the call after stating how you felt.

you sound great and hope it goes well for you.

Thank you! That’s very kind, and I do try, but I will admit, today’s sniping got the best of me.

OP posts:
Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 18:06

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 17:54

Having read all your posts, I still think it wasn't a big deal. If I was in a conversation with someone and it started to get very tense, I could well understand someone saying they can't continue at the moment (because everyone needs to pause).

I don't like all these people pushing you to make a complaint about him (is it a him?) to get your complaint in there first. Don't make a complaint about him just to cover your back for this recent meeting. Make one only if it's valid in general.

my manager had a lot of issue with my peer and was basically talked out of and not supported in a formal process, they did get someone another peer basically give their head a wobble to use MN parlance.

so there is no point in a complaint, because I have spoken to my manager about this and manager is aware, after junior said to ‘ if you want it done do it yourself’ so a complaint will be like screaming into the wind. I will make today’s incident known though.

OP posts:
Lilactimes · 31/03/2025 18:04

Freakedfreaked · 31/03/2025 15:23

Im in a mid management role, no direct reports but do work with people more junior, their job is to support me and my peer in the delivery of key business tasks.

I’m relatively new in the role (6 months) there are some obscure processes and policies I’m still finding out about. My performance in role has been met with praise from exco, so I’m doing well)

there is one jnr who frankly is incredibly difficult to the extent I dread working together because it’s a battle. A simple task is met with a huge amount of pushback and moaning and reasons why not to do something. Things mysteriously not getting saved etc etc. General rudeness. It has been escalated.

this is a persistent issue with everyone but I do feel it’s worse with me.

today, very simple bau task, the same nonsense very aggressive with it too. Then basically tattles to my peer on zoom, who then sides with me and invites me to the call. The junior guy then turns around and flips it on me, saying it’s not his responsibility and how the direction wasn’t clear. To which i pointed out it’s fine to ask a question if the ask isn’t clear but xyz needs to be done. He mumbles some shit sarcy shit about it not being clear, my peer says the email I sent was pretty clear and he’s been in role long enough to know what was meant. He mutters something under his breath. I snapped. I said, you can always ask for clarification and I don’t think the underhanded comments are needed, and it’s making me quite cross, so to that end I’m leaving this call. I think I was calm in my tone of voice, but I was shaking on the inside.

was I hideously unprofessional

my logic was, I’m not getting drawn into an argument of he said she said and playing the blame game, especially when I was feeling quite tense. They really landed me in it big time last week through not doing some key tasks. I had to work well into the night to sort it .

am I going to get a telling off?

Just read all your posts - I have worked in quite senior management in private sector for a few decades.
I wouldn’t tell you off - you’re only human and you left the call after stating how you felt.

you sound great and hope it goes well for you.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 17:57

"I work in an old-fashioned bosses & labourers industry, where the guv'nor is the guv'nor and what they say goes."

That's not something to brag about. Higher up doesn't meal always right and it's not healthy in an organisation.

SheridansPortSalut · 31/03/2025 17:55

A man who did what you did wouldn't think twice about it.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2025 17:54

Having read all your posts, I still think it wasn't a big deal. If I was in a conversation with someone and it started to get very tense, I could well understand someone saying they can't continue at the moment (because everyone needs to pause).

I don't like all these people pushing you to make a complaint about him (is it a him?) to get your complaint in there first. Don't make a complaint about him just to cover your back for this recent meeting. Make one only if it's valid in general.

viques · 31/03/2025 17:49

I think you were right to leave the call. You had said what needed to be said there was no point carrying on with the discussion.

It’s like getting into an argument with a toddler, it will go round in circles and not get anywhere, so someone has to be the adult and put an end to it. Some people think they win an argument by wearing down the other person until they give in, sounds to me as though that is a strategy your young colleague has used successfully in the past, and he needs to know that it might work at home with his mum but not in an adult work situation