Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL furious about Mother’s Day, were we wrong?

457 replies

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 14:36

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

OP posts:
Wimbleborg · 01/04/2025 13:11

SIL’s mum thought it was reasonable to demand her adult children spend MD with her, minus their partners, and all her adult children jumped to it? Kind of contextualises why SIL is batshit, doesn’t it.

ThanksItHasPockets · 01/04/2025 13:08

It's impossible to know how serious this situation is based on only a few posts but if you are worried about your DB I would urge you to trust your instincts and support him to seek some help. The Men's Advice Line and ManKind will listen without judgement if it becomes apparent that the situation is abusive.

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 01/04/2025 13:04

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 31/03/2025 20:38

What absolute mad behaviour on the part of your SIL, I’d love to hear her rationale

Oh God me too... really wonder what is going on in her head 🤔

JudgeJ · 01/04/2025 13:01

I would also probably have asked about whether my DSIL was okay with it if my brother had put the same idea to me.

Did she ask her husband if he was OK with his plans for his family to have lunch out being destroyed or did she just tell him she was bailing, to 'support' her mother because she had had a tiff with her partner?
It may surprise you but there is a world in which the woman is totally wrong and this is that world.

Namerequired · 01/04/2025 12:51

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 20:35

The bashing my parents and I got were all over the phone, my dad called me on his phone while SIL was yelling at my mum on her phone (mum had her on speaker) and I could hear it clearly, I told my dad to get mum to hang up and not answer if she called back (both my parents were in tears at this point). SIL then called me and I couldn’t get a word in, it was literally just her yelling at me until I hung up. DB then went round to my parents to check on them and apologise then came round to me to apologise and explain he didn’t know what the actual problem was either. SIL then called both me and my parents back later and we both answered thinking she’d calmed down and we could have a rational conversation but it was just more of the same so both my parents and I ended up hunging up again. The most baffling thing is her saying we treated the children badly (see my second post).

No as far as I know DB wasn’t needed for anything else, like I said they’d already rebooked at the same restaurant for 2 weeks time and he was back home before SIL and the kids anyway so he was there to do whatever in the evening.

I don’t think it’s clicked for SIL about her accounts, she was so angry that I don’t think she wasn’t thinking rationally or about the bigger picture.

So bizarre! Has she had some sort of breakdown? I hope your brother is ok, and your poor parents. You seem to have thought of everything that it could possibly be (not that any of it would excuse the behaviour) and none of it is relevant. I hope you get some answers if nothing else. But if even your brother doesn’t know it’s just craziness. How do yous get past this? I would be worried for my brother and the kids.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 01/04/2025 12:47

What a bizarre thread. None of it makes sense. Did she just discover that day that your brother has been having a torrid affair with someone, resulting in the birth of triplets? That’s the only way any of this makes sense 😵‍💫.

Will you ever get to the bottom of it I wonder?

AlwaysALargeSauvignonBlanc · 01/04/2025 12:37

Your SIL sounds like an arse tbh ! I've had a similarly arsey now ex-SIL so I think I've got a pretty good radar for them.

Firstly, just my opinion, the fact she dropped your DB in favour of her mum at short notice is not cool. I would never do that to my husband and I wouldn't think too highly of it if my now lovely SIL's did that to my DB's either.

I would be absolutely livid that she spoke to my parents in that way, to the degree that I wouldn't be ignoring her, I would be pulling her up on it pretty damn quickly and putting her in her place.

I'd guess this isn't the first time something like this has happened, it's just the first time you've been on the receiving end / aware of it.

I hope you, your DB and your parents are all OK. Shitty situation. But you absolutely are not unreasonable. She sounds like a nightmare !

FABAND · 01/04/2025 12:03

Yep. If she's not talking to anyone, should make for a peaceful future. Result.

I'd take her at her word ! Let her 'not talk to anyone again' !!

riverislandjeans · 01/04/2025 11:54

So sister in law went to her mothers, with her children as her DH ( the Op's brother), wasn't invited.....regardless of the fact they already had plans that your brother had arranged for his wife for them and their children, she was happy to drop him for her mum.

You were supposed to be treating mum and dad to lunch at yours.

Your brother ( who is now on his own for the day) suggested that mum and dad, and you sis, go to the meal instead as he will loose £200 otherwise.

You all agree, go, and then sister in law absolutely kicks up a stink because she didn't go.

Is that right?

if so SIL is batshit and no one else has done anything wrong.

Picklelily99 · 01/04/2025 11:49

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 14:36

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

I'd be very concerned at MIL's behaviour tbh!!! Flitting home early 'cos of an argument (?), and then demanding (and getting) all her children and grandchildren to rally 'round her at such short notice??? Whilst totally ignoring children's partners? That seems some kind of entitlement to me! Is that where your SIL gets it from?

Biker47 · 01/04/2025 11:36

I'd tell her to fucking spin on it.

Oncewornballgown · 01/04/2025 11:28

If your SIL was able to contain her feelings and not take them out on your family, then I could feel sorry for her. I am trying to put myself in her shoes.
She gave up her own MD treat in order to support her mother at short notice and accepted it would be postponed. She didn’t have a good time and may not have really wanted to go but felt obliged to.
To rub it in, she finds out that her husband then goes and has a happy family time out enjoying what had been originally planned for her. I think she feels robbed, hurt, jealous and envious and as though how she might feel doesn’t matter to any of you, just like it doesn’t matter to her own mother. She is obviously completely in the wrong to have acted on those feelings in the way that she has. YANBU. It is outrageous but also counterproductive to her own wellbeing and relationships.

She seems to think that her DH should have understood how she would feel about it. If he had chatted this idea through in advance all this unpleasantness and upset could have been avoided. I wonder why he didn’t do that if he knows her well? I think tbh I would also probably have asked about whether my DSIL was okay with it if my brother had put the same idea to me.

Yeahno · 01/04/2025 10:56

Well it was mother's day. A day to treat and appreciate mother. How dare your brother think he could go out have a good time without her. He should have been cleaning the house and making a welcome back party for when she returned.
Maybe that it. Whatever the reason, I would be avoiding her forever. She is deranged.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/04/2025 10:34

OK, I've just about got my head around it now and am coming down on the 'displaced anger' side - SIL had a bad time with her DM most likely rabbitting on and on about how her own son couldn't come and support her during her hellish time of need (although son's decision to stay away doesn't sound as though he thought she even NEEDED his support, but anyway he was with his own family and therefore his mother's desire to 'summon her children' was late and a bit daft). So SIL has had an earful from her mother and is offloading.

BUT, surely then the person she offloads at is her DH? OPs, DB? Why on earth start ringing round the family - that, for me, is where it enters 'deranged' territory. I can almost understand her launching in to her DH when he got in because she's had a miserable time and he's been out having a much nicer time, but to ring her in laws? And blame THEM? That is where I think she needs help (or cutting off from the entire side of the family).

LizziesCat · 01/04/2025 10:31

That behaviour in unhinged, your poor mum what a horrible end to a nice Mother’s Day meal out with you and your DB. I’d be worried about your DB’s children as well as him, living with someone who can lose it like that for no apparent reason must be hard to live with.

JudgeJ · 01/04/2025 10:31

CustardySergeant · 31/03/2025 23:08

AND lose £200! Outrageous and unbelievably selfish.

Show quote history

And then she would be able to scream at him for losing £200, probably demanding £200 to spend on herself to balance the family books.
Sincerely hope that the DB has a substantial running away fund, as per MN, for when he gets rid of her.

Smoothandsmooth · 01/04/2025 09:47

Roughly how old are the children and the SIL? If the children are young I could imagine she’s having a major over reaction from lack of sleep or pnd or similar. OR - depending on SIL age - she is reacting badly due to a hormonal imbalance.
If neither of those apply and what you say about the MIL having an unhealthy relationship with your SIL does, then I suspect that negative relationship has come home to roost and she needs some heavy duty counselling… I think you’re right to be concerned for your DB.

OnGoldenPond · 01/04/2025 09:12

This reads like one of those crazy threads you see on Reddit. Not saying it’s not real, but the bizarre behaviour of some people never ceases to amaze me.

OP, of course YANBU. Your SIL is crazy and possibly needs in patient care. Your DB seems to be in an abusive relationship and needs your support.

Chezxx · 01/04/2025 07:39

I really hope you and your parents take a huge step back.

I would never forgive her upsetting your parents like that.

Keep your brother close.
Block her number.
Her accounts are nothing further to do with you.
Do not finish them.
Hand them back.

moveoveralice · 01/04/2025 06:49

I would go completely NC with her from now on. I understand this might make things difficult for your DB, especially as it sounds like his marriage is a volatile and abusive one. Nasty characters like this deserve nothing less than being permanently ignored.

There would be no coming back from this for me - and even if an apology is forthcoming, I would not have anything to do with her again, let alone be her unpaid accountant!

She has managed to turn a lovely day into a distressing nightmare for you, your parents and your DB. She is an absolute c* and nothing she had to say would make me see her in any other way going forward.

SafeToUse · 31/03/2025 23:45

It's already been mentioned a few times OP, but is it possible that your SIL is a secret drinker?

I ask because my own SIL has been an alcoholic for decades, and we only found out a couple of years ago. Her husband never mentioned it to my DH (his brother), and their kids never once mentioned it to my kids, despite all being really close.

But there were signs. Occasional irrational angry outbursts/ rants. Some crazy driving (I know). Always carries a bottle of "water" and chews gum - not unusual but she's otherwise well put together and the chewing gum had me puzzled, didn't fit her image. She held down a responsible job for years too.

Since we found out there have been a few comments from her adult DC to the effect of how you never know what's going on in other people's families, and how they can't bear to spend time with her now, as she made their young lives hell. We honestly envied their lovely house and great laid-back rural lifestyle.

I hope it's not the case although the alternative is that she's controlling, or has mental health issues, and none of those options is pleasant for your poor DB. Support him, I think men often find it difficult to admit that they're in an abusive relationship when the abuser is their wife.

skintasabint · 31/03/2025 23:39

SIL or not, if anyone dared treated my parents like that I would deck them.

Your SIL needs taking down a peg or two before she screams at the wrong person, and tbf I hope she does.

AngelicKaty · 31/03/2025 23:34

@FreakingOutRightNow123 "I don’t think it’s clicked for SIL about her accounts, she was so angry that I don’t think she was thinking rationally or about the bigger picture." Oh OP, I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she realises what she's done. How much do you think it will cost her to replace your free accountancy services? (Notwithstanding the problem she's going to have trying to find an alternative at such short notice - that'll teach her! 😂 )
I hope your parents and DB are OK - I'm sure you'll all be supporting each other going forward anyway. 🤗

Gremlins101 · 31/03/2025 23:33

She sounds off her trolley!!

Topsyturvy78 · 31/03/2025 23:30

She's behaving like a brat. Was she expecting your brother to sit twiddling his thumbs and lose £200?