SIL furious about Mother’s Day, were we wrong?

Just sounds like the day with her mother and the kids was hard work and not as relaxing as her usual Mothers day. Whereas you selfish, child-free lot, had a lovely afternoon with lovely company lol.

If her mum has the same temperament as her, she was probably just fed up and a bit jealous.

Just be thankful you won't have to see her for a while and you had a nice day with your parents and brother. Don't let it ruin your relationship with her.

She also shouted at OP's parents and made them both cry. It will be hard for OP to move past that behaviour from her SIL. It doesn't sound as though the relationship is repairable.

All these who are finding reasons and excuses for the SILs behaviour - you are giving excellent reasons for her losing her rag with her DH. But ringing up her parents in law just to have a plot-losing rage at them is beyond the pale. They were nothing whatsoever to do with her dreadful relationship with her mother or her disappointment at missing out on Mothers' Day. i mean, they are utterly tangential to everything, yet she phoned them up to yell at them! Not her DH, not even OP, but the parents whose only crime is to be taken out by their own children.

Sounds like SIL had an awful day and is angry at herself for missing out on her and your DBs original plan, and that's being lashed out in your direction. Much as, dare I say, get Mum got everyone round her to forget her troubles rather than being more humble around what other plans might have been made - bit of a family pattern of behaviour? Whatever u do let her cool down first down say a word and encourage DB to do same (he could ask her ALL about her own experience of mothers day tho, )

And if this WERE the case - why would SIL reaction involve her PIL? Why shout at people who went on a meal and paid your husband back for his deposit? In fact - why SHOUT at any others at all? If I were cross with my partner - I wouldn't go out into the street and berate the neighbours. Your rationale is odd.

Once it's all calmed down I would be having a very strong word with her about her phoning your parents and making them cry. I'm furious on your behalf op.

Your SIL is absolutely stark, raving, bonkers.

I'm glad you and your parents and brother all seem to have a good relationship because he will need your support when the inevitable acrimonious divorce happens.

I cannot see what you did wrong. SIL sounds like a toxic nightmare. Your poor DB.

Hopefully it can all blow over and be resolved.

Well yes, there's always something to do. But you didn't get annoyed with your DP for not getting on with household chores, once the original planned fun thing fell through. Unlike OP's SIL! (If that was what upset her.)

What was she actually saying when she was ranting at you all OP? How on earth could she justify thinking what she was thinking? Did she have any explanation for it whatsoever?

Surely you don't halt days out to catch up on household chores? We just do it in the evening if it's been a busy week

I'm not seeing what SIL's objection is and if she can't explain it so people can understand her POV, I'd ignore and let your brother handle it; he probably understands her best and it was his decision to recycle the reservation (and I don't blame him - it would have been disappointing to let it go to waste). Just don't engage with her on the issue. You can ask him tactfully if everything's OK, but I wouldn't push him on her bad behaviour if he doesn't want to talk about it.

Would you have phoned your DP's friend and made him cry? Why would there have been 'things to be done', when you had scheduled a day out for the whole household anyway?

I do enjoy the posters on threads like these who will tie themselves in actual knots before they'll say a woman is wrong.

She seems unglued

If I was your DB I'd get myself and the kids as far away from her as possible.

It doesn’t surprise me at all as I already said that she was in the wrong and behaved outrageously. Perhaps that doesn’t come across in my post. I was just trying to imagine what possible emotions could lead to her outburst. Not justifying her actions at all. Of course, she might be a very unpleasant and controlling woman who likes to rule the roost and have everything her own way. I don’t think the OP said this though other than describing her as sensitive. It would have indeed been considerate for the SIL to have discussed the change of plans with her husband. I quite agree with you as his feelings matter just as much as hers.

If things have built up then maybe, it's mother's day and the alternative to him doing it would be her having to do it if that's the case.
And why would he kick off about her changing plans to see her mum, again its mother's day, it would be different if it was fathers day.
We had planned a day out for mother's day and I ended up changing plans to take DM out as my sister was ill so cancelled her plans with her. We have 3 DC and DM can't drive anymore so it meant DP didn't come, he went out with a friend instead for a bit but if there were things to be done I can imagine he would've focused on that instead as it's generally about giving mum's a bit of a break from everything they usually do on mother's day.

MIL flounces off a holiday presumably leaving partner behind
Demands her children drop their plans and come to her with their kids, but no partners (inc son so his wife doesn't see her own kids on Mother's Day - good on him refusing)
Then ruins everyone's day by complaining that son wouldn't bow to her demands and presumably complaining about her partner.

SIL has a hideous day, misses her own treat and is so enmeshed with her own demanding mother she lashes out.

She is TOTALLY in the wrong to take this out on anyone (other than her own mother), but I could possibly see how she might be grumpy. HOWEVER, making your parents cry is a boundary someone would only cross once with me .. I might be a dish cloth when it comes to confrontation until it's someone I love. She is a disgrace and I expect she knows it and doesn' t know how to climb down. How would she when she has her own mother as an example?

Comfort your parents, be there for your brother (and his kids) keep away from SIL unless it's to stick her accounts up her arse.

The trigger for the explosion of a bomb and the results of the explosion often bear little relation to any explanation for the trigger being pulled.

It doesn't make it acceptable but trying to draw a rational line between what the SIL said and why she was angry might be fruitless.

It's possible she might not even truly understand herself why she was furious. IME, the angriest and the nastiest people I know have least insight into themselves.

The only thing he did wrong was to not kick off when she told him the a) she was ditching his plans for their family to have lunch together b) he wasn't invited to dear MIL's 'family' bash.
Note to brother, next year, if there is a next year for them as a family, make no plans whatsoever, then we can laugh at her moans and groans on here.
Was she seriously expecting him to stay home alone and clean the house in her absence? Is his name Cinderfella?

No, she knows that OP paid and that OP refunded the £200 deposit to her brother, saving SIL's household £200. SIL actually told OP that the fact that she paid for everyone makes her behaviour even more disgusting!

Or did she go home to the house a mess and DB saying he was too tired to help with anything after going out, or DB had promised to cook for her then said he didn't want to after the meal? There has to be something related to his behaviour surely that's missing?

Does she think he paid?
Was there some DIY or something that's long overdue that he'd promised to do?
Otherwise I can't see what she could even say she's annoyed about?

Anyone else keep checking back for some (any) kind of rational explanation for the SiL's behaviour?

I mean this is the most compassionate way to look at it and is a possible explanation.

But she's a grown woman who should have better insight into her own feelings and behaviours. To drag the OPs family into it - is unforgivable. The OP has done nothing wrong. And would be well within her right to never speak to her again.

But the reply above is potentially the type of counselling the SIL needs from a good therapist.

She could have been thinking - it was my mothers day. We had mothers day with DH'S family the week before. I've been subjected to the most horrendous time with my own mother. I've not had a mothers day myself and yet my MIL gets two. She had to put herself out but no one else did and the kick in the teeth - her DH has had a lovely time with his 'perfect family' and she's pressed the self-destruct button by exploding at everyone about it. There's possibly been a festering of resentment for years as it's hard to face a daily mirror showing you everything you don't have in a family.

But I say again, she's still a grown woman and whether underneath an extreme temper outburst is a rational explanation - it doesn't excuse it. Nor is it the problem of the OP. The SIL is accountable for herself, her words and actions.

To fix it, she'd really have to turn up cap in hand with a plan to get some external help. You just can't go around treating and speaking to people that way, no matter how much you're hurting underneath.

But it's a kinder more insightful alternative perspective than a simple 'she's batshit/nuts/insane/unhinged'. Which I think was my first reply, haha.

P.s Oncewornballgown - my reply isn't aimed at you, nor challenging you - I'm just thinking out loud because you've presented something to think about :-)