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Original poster

To wonder if ND child should get homework

66 replies

Wildworldandteacakes · 31/03/2025 14:04

My child is 8 years old (year 3). We have always had great difficulty completing homework, but we have managed 'just', with alot of stress, and parental support. No child wants to homework, I can deal with the usual moaning and reluctance. My other child is NT, and does homework without issue, usual parenting methods will work eg. stickers and rewards. Even this isn't usually needed though.

For my ND child, it is honestly off the scale and not laziness, or a 'just cannot be bothered attitude.' I feel homework is having absolutely no benefit other than affecting dc's mental health, and causing him mental overload. After his school day he is too overwhelmed, on weekends we would need to keep him in for the full 2 days, and even then, it would he difficult for him to do it without becoming distressed. If we have been out absolutely anywhere on the weekend, homework is pretty much impossible because it is again mental overload. I have tried every trick in the book from being stricter, softer, and inbetween. I've tried to make it fun and to feel less like school, while "we" do it, no demands or springing it on him out of the blue etc. He knows he gets a week to do it, and I give him gentle reminders that it is there for when he feel up to doing it. I have extensively researched and taken every piece of advice. I'm honestly at a loss at this point.

Academically he is where he should be be in most areas, ahead in some, slightly behind in one (because he isn't interested, and cannot give it his full attention, no matter how he tries). When he is interested, he can focus for ages down to the finer details, obsessively so.

I'm looking for those who have experience with ND children completing homework. Do they have to it, or can the school make reasonable adjustments eg. adapting the homework style for the child. I had a word with his class teacher at parents evening whose response was: "They all have to do it, my kids have to do it, try getting him to do it on a Saturday so he is less overloaded, off the next day, split it up etc. I am at a loss of what to do here. We have already tried all of this.

Watching my child have a melt down, hitting himself in the face because he has do this homework, and feels he cannot do it is heartbreaking. He has autism, adhd, and what we think is a type of pathological demand avoidance (awaiting diagnosis next week) but it looks pretty concrete from what we have been told.

OP posts:
BogRollBOGOF · 31/03/2025 17:46

My two didn't do homework in KS2; we were too battered after all those painful months of attempting the fucking "home learning" in 2020/21.

They have both coped with doing homework from y7. For a start it's not just years of the same repetitive, mind-numbing SATs practice exercises, and it tends to be app based. DS1 is begining to get more in-depth tasks in y9 and his capacity to deal with them has increased as he's got older.

It's a good job I didn't flog ourselves trying to do it... DS1 was kept in at breaktimes for not doing it in y6... he'd worked out that 1) it saved him loitering around tediously on the playground while the inferior lifeforms in his class ran around chasing a ball like demented dogs. 2) the homework took far longer to do eating into his precious non-school time than the low value time taken off on school.
So basically in DS1 logic, school was rewarding him for not doing something he hated.

I wasn't going to stand a chance arguing against that logic Grin

It is very common for ND children to resent school work being taken out of context and inflicted on them in their home life. (This was flagged up in DS1's Ed Psyc reports)

stargirl1701 · 31/03/2025 17:25

I write to the class teacher every year stating I do not consent to homework.

I’ve been a primary school teacher for 25 years. There is no evidence to support homework in primary school. All the evidence points to dinner round a dining table and a bedtime story as the key activities for primary school children.

Neemie · 31/03/2025 17:23

We do make this adjustment in our school but bear in mind that if you want him to do GCSEs then you might be creating a massive issue for yourself later down the line. I would go for reduced homework and then somehow get it into his routine even if it is you reading to him or writing in his answers for him. It is very difficult to persuade a ND teen that they have to suddenly start doing homework.

Sayithowiseeit · 31/03/2025 17:21

I have 2 kids with SEN 8+13. Neither of them does homework. I decided when my eldest was in year 2 I think, that we weren't doing it. It was stressful, distressing for everyone. School is school and home is home. I just told the school we wernt doing it and that was pretty much it.

InspiritingNotion · 31/03/2025 17:18

Nutmuncher · 31/03/2025 16:57

Respectfully, I’d be wary in case this is setting your child up to fail later in life. Real life will not cater or adjust to these needs and shielding them from what is reasonably expected of all pupils is going to make assimilation to adulthood very tricky further down the line. Their resistance to homework will reap no benefits during GCsE revision time either.

Of course real life can cater to different types of people. I struggled with homework too. I chose a very intense career working with emergencies, but it required nothing to do outside of work hours and the hours were strictly set. I adjusted my career to one that would suit my temperament. I find it easier to engage with things that are urgent and I don't like to take work home.

maw1681 · 31/03/2025 17:18

I don’t think any 8 year old should get homework, apart from reading

MattCauthon · 31/03/2025 17:16

Nutmuncher · 31/03/2025 16:57

Respectfully, I’d be wary in case this is setting your child up to fail later in life. Real life will not cater or adjust to these needs and shielding them from what is reasonably expected of all pupils is going to make assimilation to adulthood very tricky further down the line. Their resistance to homework will reap no benefits during GCsE revision time either.

ND children have a different process to maturing and coping. DS now does all of his homework, on time, with very little prompting - he's in year 9. He has had the time and space to develop his own coping mechanisms and systems. It's all very well to say, "this is setting them up to fail" but the assumption you're making is that if we suggest homework in year 3 should be removed or restricted, that means we're saying our ND children should never have to work for anything. That's a ridiculous extrapolation.

SilverBlue56 · 31/03/2025 17:01

LadyIce2 · 31/03/2025 15:32

Is he planning to do GCSEs and/or A-Levels (or rather, if he's interested in particular jobs, do they require a degree)? There will be times in his education and working life where he has to do tedious tasks; you might be able to negotiate on amount of homework but later down the line he will need to find his way of getting through those tasks (e.g. would music or white noise stop him getting distracted, or could he do it in 30 mins bursts with a 10 min fun break).

He is 8
Now is not the time to worry about this.

Nutmuncher · 31/03/2025 16:57

Respectfully, I’d be wary in case this is setting your child up to fail later in life. Real life will not cater or adjust to these needs and shielding them from what is reasonably expected of all pupils is going to make assimilation to adulthood very tricky further down the line. Their resistance to homework will reap no benefits during GCsE revision time either.

Treesarenotforeating · 31/03/2025 16:49

As ^^ pp stated
go down the official route get a diagnosis then you will be able to legitimately state that homework is detrimental to his mental well-being ( school is for school work , home is for destressing/ relax)
fwiw my 1-1 very rarely does any homework

mimblewimble · 31/03/2025 16:25

My ND DS in Y9 doesn't usually do any homework. I wish we'd pushed for that at primary, he would get so distressed and it didn't add anything to his learning. At secondary we have an agreement with the school that we'll support him to do some of it if it feels like it's not stressing him out too much, and that he won't be punished for missing any.

If he was forced to do all the homework his attendance would fall because he's on the edge as it is. He finds the whole school experience incredibly stressful and anxiety-inducing. Getting him into school most days is an achievement.

Needlenardlenoo · 31/03/2025 16:23

We had some adjustments at primary (sounds like a rather similar child) and now in year 7 she does do the minimum without too much complaint. I can't get her to read though (except functionally - recipes, instructions, signage) and I mean can't!

I know what you mean about doing it yourself. The craft projects DH and I did!

Moonshinerso · 31/03/2025 16:10

My DS didn’t do any homework after the first term of secondary except maths which he enjoyed and was computer based. With the other subjects I told the SENCO that there was no point in the teachers marking my work because that’s exactly what it would be!
He then moved for a specialist school where no homework was set.
He passed his GCSES just about but would have done better had he had the skills to work at home.

LadyIce2 · 31/03/2025 16:02

BertieBotts · 31/03/2025 15:34

But he will also be older then.

Show quote history

That's why I mentioned 'later down the line'; I wouldn't be certain that things will just naturally fall into place for GCSEs and he'll suddenly think about homework completely differently. Obviously she should do whatever she can to lighten the load for him at this age but something to bear in mind for future.

Original poster
Wildworldandteacakes · 31/03/2025 15:42

BertieBotts · 31/03/2025 15:32

The thing is if he is 8 then he has 2-3 years until he will be at secondary. Getting him all stressed out about homework now is unlikely to help.

Exactly, he has only just turned 8; he has just under 3 and a half more school years to go before secondary. We are hoping to build resilience, equip ds with coping mechanisms to navigate school, and tasks in the best way possible for him. The poor kid has just really become aware of how different he feels he is from the other children. I'm hoping with the right help and support, things will improve over time.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 31/03/2025 15:39

My youngest is 10 and we are having similar problems with homework. He was greater depth in maths and expected in everything else but now he is expected in maths and working towards in everything else.

Original poster
Wildworldandteacakes · 31/03/2025 15:34

Pancakeflipper · 31/03/2025 15:30

My DS doesn't have to do homework (secondary school). To them school is school and home is home.

In the last few years they've stayed later to do homework at school. But there's no punishment for what they don't do.

Thank you. This sounds so similar to how ds thinks. He says he shouldn't have to be at school at home. It is black and white to ds; he is unable to see the grey. I am at the point where we have tried and tried; there isn't a technique out there that we have not tried. Every weekend he is in tears, and how is any of it helping. It is only growing resentment on his part against school. I am so proud of him, I have never seen a child try harder.
After the diagnosis/s, I am hoping school will take it a way, or at the very least let him do it in a different way.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 31/03/2025 15:34

LadyIce2 · 31/03/2025 15:32

Is he planning to do GCSEs and/or A-Levels (or rather, if he's interested in particular jobs, do they require a degree)? There will be times in his education and working life where he has to do tedious tasks; you might be able to negotiate on amount of homework but later down the line he will need to find his way of getting through those tasks (e.g. would music or white noise stop him getting distracted, or could he do it in 30 mins bursts with a 10 min fun break).

But he will also be older then.

BertieBotts · 31/03/2025 15:32

The thing is if he is 8 then he has 2-3 years until he will be at secondary. Getting him all stressed out about homework now is unlikely to help.

InspiritingNotion · 31/03/2025 15:32

I made the decision not to make DS do homework when he was younger for similar reasons. I could see he was far, far too drained and worn out for it. I figured I'd prefer he was rested for actual school.

Instead we had our own little research projects depending on what took our fancy at the time. We spent ages learning about morse code for example.

LadyIce2 · 31/03/2025 15:32

Is he planning to do GCSEs and/or A-Levels (or rather, if he's interested in particular jobs, do they require a degree)? There will be times in his education and working life where he has to do tedious tasks; you might be able to negotiate on amount of homework but later down the line he will need to find his way of getting through those tasks (e.g. would music or white noise stop him getting distracted, or could he do it in 30 mins bursts with a 10 min fun break).

BertieBotts · 31/03/2025 15:30

OK, that sounds good. I expect it will take more than a week to arrange a meeting with everyone at school so it would make sense to contact them and try to find a date in order to discuss the info you get next week.

I am less clear exactly how EHCP works because I am not in the UK but perhaps the homework point could be added onto it.

Pancakeflipper · 31/03/2025 15:30

My DS doesn't have to do homework (secondary school). To them school is school and home is home.

In the last few years they've stayed later to do homework at school. But there's no punishment for what they don't do.

Original poster
Wildworldandteacakes · 31/03/2025 15:23

BertieBotts · 31/03/2025 15:08

I think you need a proper meeting with the teacher where there's more time to discuss, not parent's evening. Possibly with SENCo as well.

If he already has the Autism and ADHD diagnoses then it makes sense to go ahead with the meeting - are the school already aware, and does he have an EHCP?

Approach it less as "I don't think you should give him homework" and more like "We all want the best for DS; this is what I'm seeing at home, and I'm questioning the trade off of whether it is helping or hindering right now."

That is a really useful way of phrasing it @BertieBotts
We get all of the formal diagnosises next week, but he has already been fully assessed, school were contacted two years ago and advised by an assessor who came into school to observe and work with ds, to make some changes. We were then referred on to CYPS initially for autism, but from what their assessment, and from what school have written, they think that he has ADHD too. Our diagnosises are being given by a CYPS community practitioner, and also a Consultant child and adolescent psychiatrist. We have to take ds and it'll take one hour. We will then have the official titles.
School have a EHCP in place, he has a visual time table, headphones, quiet places to go, and a once a week intervention etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildworldandteacakes · 31/03/2025 15:14

summer265 · 31/03/2025 14:54

He doesn't need a special school OP, homework doesn't have to be part and parcel of any school as there is no obligation for them to set it and some don't.
Research has found that primary aged children get little benefit from it. Getting them practising their reading is vital IMO, beyond that most of it is a waste of time.

Show quote history

Thank you, I read that as well. The school have told us it is to prepare them for secondary school. However I believe it is causing nothing but distress to ds, he isn't learning a thing from it. The kind of homework in secondary school I believe he would prefer anyway. He also is just in the process of getting his diagnosises, and we're just figuring it all out. I feel there needs to be time to equip ds with the tools he needs to deal better with school life, nevermind homework, before he is expected to just dive in, when he isn't able to do so.

OP posts:
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