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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder how unethical a coffee date would be if he won’t commit?

141 replies

Celia24 · 31/03/2025 11:45

To clarify, my partner is dragging his heels on a proposal for various reasons. In my 30s I’m not getting younger.

I don’t want to break up with him yet, but I also don’t want to put all my eggs in his basket.

would I be a cheat to consider signing back up to the dating apps, with the intention of going on some coffee dates (nothing physical)?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 31/03/2025 12:19

If your partner finds out they won't necessarily believe it was just for 'non physical coffee dates'. So you may as well be shagging them as it will look the same in his eyes.
Just spilt up from him. Why waste his and all these potential new blokes time? Who wants to go on non physical dates only anyway?! You'd just go out with your mates?

Summerlilly · 31/03/2025 12:16

This is a wind up right?

He won’t propose to me, so I’m gonna have an affair. 🤣
Before you say it, going on dates with people that aren’t your partner is an affair.

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 12:16

Well if this is the type of person you are, I’m not surprised he’s dragging his feet about marrying you if I’m honest; no doubt your dubious morals have come out elsewhere in the relationship for him to see. Those who have no qualms about immoral behaviour when it’s of benefit to them are usually like that in all aspects of their life.

offmynut · 31/03/2025 12:15

You are defo not ready for marriage if you want other men.
Whats the rush for marriage.

RoachFish · 31/03/2025 12:13

It seems you aren't mature enough for marriage, even though you are in your 30s. I think that's a much bigger issue,

Mnetcurious · 31/03/2025 12:12

lazycats · 31/03/2025 12:06

A) of course it is
B) why do you care so much about marriage?

“why do you care so much about marriage?”

presumably because she wants that commitment before having kids. Time after time I’ve read on here about women trapped in relationships/left with nothing when the relationship ends because they’ve had children with someone they’re not married to, given up their careers to birth/look after the children and are financially beholden to a man. And because there’s no marriage certificate, there’s no financial security or entitlement.

MothersDayLieIn · 31/03/2025 12:11

Of course you would be cheating if you saw other people while in a relationship.

How would.yoh feel.if your partner was meeting women on a dating app right now?

The fact you are considering this may be a clue to why your partner isn't ready for marriage yet. He seems sensible to me and I don't think you are ready for marriage.

If you don't think your current partner is right, suggest a break in the relationship and see other people when you are no longer with your partner.

Do not cheat.

Bobnobob · 31/03/2025 12:11

How long have you been together?

Velvetbee · 31/03/2025 12:09

Mnetcurious · 31/03/2025 12:07

Don’t do this. Lay it all on the table for your boyfriend- I’m in my 30s and want to settle down. If you can’t give me that then I need to leave this relationship and find someone who’s ready to commit.

This.

YehThoughtSo · 31/03/2025 12:09

Such a weird approach. Do you love your partner? Do you want to share your life with him? If so, YABVU to entertain the idea of anyone else.

Or do you NOT love him and NOT want to share your life with him? In which case, break up with him - why are you waiting around like a princess - and go on the coffee date. But do it in the morally right way.

Mnetcurious · 31/03/2025 12:07

Don’t do this. Lay it all on the table for your boyfriend- I’m in my 30s and want to settle down. If you can’t give me that then I need to leave this relationship and find someone who’s ready to commit.

lazycats · 31/03/2025 12:06

A) of course it is
B) why do you care so much about marriage?

DenholmElliot11 · 31/03/2025 12:06

Do it.

And tell him to shit, or get off the pot.

Starling7 · 31/03/2025 12:05

Are you looking to have children? If not getting married is the deal breaker for you, just sit him down and tell him. Literally can't understand why we all sit around waiting for men to validate us with a ring

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 31/03/2025 12:01

"I'm not getting what I want, so I will cheat rather than have an adult conversation".

PickledElectricity · 31/03/2025 12:00

Well, yes. But if he's not committing are you willing to wait around to see if he does; are you going to be happy to carry on as you are; what's your ultimate goal? Do you want him to see you're desirable on the marriage market and declare his love and propose?!

CowTown · 31/03/2025 11:59

You have 3 options:

  • wait for a proposal that may/may not happen
  • ”This isn’t working for me. I want marriage.” This results in either a marriage or a breakup.
  • secretly go on coffee dates with other men, and wait for the eventual implosion of your current relationship
PermanentTemporary · 31/03/2025 11:57

I'm sure you'll have lots of repeat dates once the guys you meet at coffee shops find out that you're a serially unfaithful games-player.

Antonania · 31/03/2025 11:56

Talk to him about it. I'm assuming you'd been happy for him to have coffee dates with other women too (nothing physical of course) so why not?

CowTown · 31/03/2025 11:54

You refer to him as your “partner”, so unless you are in an open relationship, it is indeed unethical.

noidea69 · 31/03/2025 11:54

arrange the date, then tell him, and post his reaction here.

babytum · 31/03/2025 11:53

Well if he was checking the quality of other eggs would you be upset?

Kitchensinktoday · 31/03/2025 11:53

Would you want to innocently go on a coffee date with a man who was in your shoes?

saveforthat · 31/03/2025 11:53

Bogginsthe3rd · 31/03/2025 11:49

Will you be drinking coffee from ethically sourced coffee beans ?

Show quote history

That's the direction my mind went in as well.

TheNewSchmoo · 31/03/2025 11:53

So you just want a proposal. Ridiculous. If you love him enough to want a lifetime commitment, ask him. If you don't love him enough to stay faithful, leave.

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