To wonder how unethical a coffee date would be if he won’t commit?

Oh goodness. Yep OP is not ready to marry….anybody….

Youre talking about hedging your bets so you are still stringing him along in case he decides to propose and also keeping your options open.
Would you be happy, if you did get married, to find out he had been doing the same?
If you have got this far to start actively looking for other options I would just get on with it and dump him to focus on finding someone who wants the same as you do.

It’s funny when posters jump in with their prejudices but don’t bother to read the comments first 😀

Just seen you’ve only been together 18 months!

"Would it be unethical to actively seek alternate partners while in a long term relationship?"
...well, duh (seeing as we appear to be engaging with someone with the morals of a randy 15 year old)

Yes, OP, it would be extremely unethical. And a really shitty thing to do.

Sneaky.

Cheating doesn’t have to be physical. I don’t think you’re ready for marriage if this is your view on relationships, if you’re not happy, leave.

It would be intentionally cheating deceitful behaviour.

If he wanted to marry you he'd have asked.

If he wanted to have children he'd have asked.

This is the relationship as he wants it.

But you're not happy.

Have a frank conversation - are marriage and children on his horizon? if no, and that is what you want, you should end it.

You really love him then, and see him as your life partner? 🤦‍♀️

You have a "partner", so downloading dating apps in the first place is cheating.

If you don't want to be with him, leave him. Don't find your next one while you're still with him. It's not fair on him.

You obviously have different ideas of how quickly you want to commit. There's no right or wrong answer, but if you're not happy with it, you need to leave.

They would be the same as she is getting now? All telling her this is a bad idea and to end things instead.

Yes you would be a cheat and it’s unethical. I get your frustration and my grandmother would likely agree with you (she always used to tell me “don’t let your boyfriend stop you finding your husband”) but I would not be ok if this happened to me.

What you need is a frank discussion with clear agreement on timeframes.

And if not please don’t let the sunk cost fallacy stop you walking.

I think that you do love him and want to be with him long term but that you’re seeking to punish him for not proposing. Waiting for a proposal is pathetic in 2025.

Tell him that you want to set a date for 2026. If he demurs, tell him that you’re going to be looking for someone who wants the same thing via the apps, and separate amicably.

Be honest and dignified. You don’t want to look back on this period when you’re old and grey and recall how you cheated on your partner and led on the men on the dating apps.

Well if you're expecting a proposal then surely you've been together for quite a while so what you're doing is shit and you know it.

Well this explains a lot!

Ask yourself…would you mind your partner signing up to dating apps and go on a few non-physical dates to see if something better is out there before marrying you? If the answer is no then maybe you both need some time away from each other to reassess whether this relationship is still what you want. If you don’t like him to go on dates then you should have an honest conversation with him about future plans and what you need from him, and if you don’t align you should separate.

@ItGhoul they’ve been together 18 months?! FFS.

your wasting your time He ain’t gonna propose

Also, as you mention your age, are you thinking about time to have children? There are possibilities you could explore such as egg freezing, going it alone with a donor…. I know these have their drawbacks but they are there and might be better than an unhappy marriage.

A man would be universally torn apart, which isn’t happening here. Plus, when I posted, the voting was around 20% YANBU, although it’s a lot lower now.

It doesn't really sound like you're that into your partner if you are even considering this. I would see that in itself as a sign that maybe it is time to end it.

Not sure what you mean by 'dragging his heels' presume you mean you are waiting for him to propose rather than you've proposed to him and he isn't sure yet? If it is then why are you waiting for him to propose anyway - propose to him (well actually, no, not a great idea at the moment - think about whether that is really what you want first!) if you are ready to get married.

This 💯!
That was meant to quote the poster who said OP was not into him.

Yes, it would be unethical. What you should do is have a conversation which is “do you want to get married?” and make a decision based on that answer. You want to get married, you want to do that sooner rather than later. It’s fine to feel like your time is being wasted but someone on a coffee date isn’t going to propose. End your relationship first. Don’t play silly games trying to get a proposal out of jealousy.

No because you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. If you force his proposal hes going to resent you. You are in different places and that’s ok, end it and move on. Also if he found out you were dating he’d probably dump you for cheating so you lose him anyway. Better to be honest.

You don't sound that into him so marrying him sounds like a bad move anyway.