Little boy wanting to be a girl

My son has ASD.

When he was younger (probably up to year 5) he only really played with girls. The girls he played with were calm and quite directive in their play (e.g. 'we are playing families. You are the daddy. Sit here with the baby). He found this very helpful as it meant he knew what to do! He didn't know how to join in with the (typically) more boisterous and less structured play that the boys were doing.

Quite a few of the boys would ask him if he was a girl or tell him that he couldn't like pink (his favourite colour) because it was for girls.

I wonder if your DS is experiencing similar?

DS never said he wanted to be a girl. He's 15 now and hangs out with boys. His favourite colour is still pink!

Presumably he won’t be online as a 5 year old.

If you are worried about the school, speak to them about it. Maybe he sees the girls being treated differently. Maybe the girls are kinder. Maybe he’s just being 5. 5 year olds are wild sometimes!

My son is exactly the same and he is 5, in his first year at school. He also is currently awaiting assessment for ASD.
He’s been saying he wants to be a girl for a good few months now. He has always been obsessed with Disney princesses so this is mostly where it comes from I think- he’d be happy dressed up as Elsa 24/7. He also really struggles to make friends with boys and the handful of friends he does have are all girls. When I’ve explored with him why he wants to be a girl, his response has been so that he is the same as his friends. I’ve not read too much more into it than that- he just wants to be a real life Elsa.

Look at the school website. Hopefully it's balanced with no mention of gender identity other than as a protected characteristic. Unfortunately some schools have bought into the trans ideology that adult lobby groups have pushed so intensively at schools and they'll have "trans policies", pronouns and other age inappropriate information being shared.

The last government produced draft guidelines for schools (link below). Although they remain draft, this government have not removed them so they give schools a steer as to how they should be tackling this. The basic principles are:
1.Schools and colleges have statutory duties to safeguard and promote the welfare of all children.
2. Schools and colleges should be respectful and tolerant places where bullying is never tolerated.
3. Parents should not be excluded from decisions taken by a school or college relating to requests for a child to ‘socially transition’.
4. Schools and colleges have specific legal duties that are framed by a child’s biological sex.
5. There is no general duty to allow a child to ‘social transition

consult.education.gov.uk/equalities-political-impartiality-anti-bullying-team/gender-questioning-children-proposed-guidance/supporting_documents/Gender%20Questioning%20Children%20%20nonstatutory%20guidance.pdf

@frenchnoodle

"It's definitely a phase, a very long one. Now at 7 he knows he's a boy but still loves "pretty things".

For all children? For most children?

I would just be explicitly clear with him that although he may want to be a girl 🧐, it isn’t a choice, and he’s a boy.

Then move on. Don’t feed it.

My youngest was the same from about 3-8. We didn’t get bogged down in the boys and girls stuff, rather we talked about the things he saw as “for girls” and how he can have those things as a boy. He grew his hair long, had princess dressing up stuff, wore pink and other pastel/bright colours, played with my little ponies etc, all whilst being a boy. He often got mistaken for a girl but he would either ignore or explain he’s a boy who likes pink (depending who was asking). He’s now grown out of that, cut his hair and is more into the typical “boy stuff”. I think, just don’t make a big deal out of it. Don’t get bogged down in trans explanations etc. Just reassure him that he’s allowed to like whatever he likes, and that it’s silly that some people think those things belong to boys or girls specifically xx

I had this with my asd ds at 7, I tried all the sensible conversations about boys and girls can all do the sane things but ended up with gp referral to GIDS at 10 mainly hoping for therapy because no counsellor will touch kids like this.

Long story short we dodged a bullet that could have led to medication and sterilisation and worse.

Here's what I'd have done differently..
Be VERY clear that no one can change sex. Sorry but it's impossible. Explain in an age appropriate way.
Talk about why boys bodies are good - faster, stronger, bigger heart and lungs, etc.
Ask what he wants to be different about his life and let him do it - we failed here, he wanted to have his hair long and curly and wear frilly dresses to parties, we didn't want him to be bullied. It's impossible to know the outcome but saying no just reinforces that girls can do something he can't and so he wants to be a girl.
Be very clear with school that they must not socially transition your child.

He will grow out of it. Mine did. He's very feminine in his clothing tastes but also very much a boy.

My cousin was the same- insisting her name was a boys name and pretending to be a boy for a while. She is now a standard issue woman, married and settled.

Don’t panic, don’t make it into a big deal. Find out what he wants that girls have (dress, toys) then give him that and remind him clothes and toys are for everyone. If he is ASD he will get a new obsession soon and this one will hopefully be forgotten!

That's taken directly from the DfE's verified statistics on school exclusions. Compulsory for schools to complete. These are then published as national statistics, with the year group but not date of birth. Hence the articles.
Probably not something you'd encounter if you rely on just the Guardian or BBC for your news, such is their aversion to covering this kind of factual information. Fortunately the rest of the media are picking up the concerns at such very young children receiving exclusions for transphobia / homophobia.

You need to reinforce that he can wear what he likes, he can do things that are stereotypically "girly" and that you will support him all the way.

But that he is a boy, he was born a boy, there are lots of different ways to be a boy, but that he cannot ever be a girl.

I would think the birth of your daughter is relevant, as you say from an attention point of view, he might be feeling a bit left out.

As the mother of an adult son who’s on the spectrum, my best advice to you is to closely monitor his internet use as he gets older, you’re absolutely right to think that it could be a problem, my son came off all social media two years ago and his mental health has improved significantly, he’s much happier now.

Can you tell that to my post menopausal face please? 😂

Telegraph, Toby Young, not even sure of child's age or able to give any details...

Yeah ok all sounds legit there

Lol!

I wanted to be a police dog, because they had adventures and caught bad people...

My four year old currently thinks they should be a unicorn. I wouldn't worry about it too much at the moment.

This. Talk about what he doesn't like about being a boy. It's more likely he's being pressured to behave like a stereotypical masculine male than encouraged to be trans. Let him play with the things he likes even if they might be considered to be girly by some. Encourage him to believe he can still be a boy while liking those things.

If they ask I say that some people think that being a woman is a thing not related to biology and that they're wrong. Putting on a skirt, make up and high heels and calling yourself Anna doesnt make you a girl. You can do all those things but you'll be a boy and thats ok

Its a shame some people have emotional and psychological difficulties which make them think this.

Of course a 5 year old wouldnt understand all that so I wouldnt say that to a 5 year old but thats my answer.

My son wanted to be a girl aged 4. I asked him why and it turned out he wanted/liked pink sparkly shoes, and also he's not super rough and tumble so got on better with girls at nursery than boys the same age.
He also spent a lot of time around the same age saying he was a dog.

Now he is 6 he seems very confident in his identity as a boy. I am trying to teach him that boys can have pink sparkly shoes and long hair if they want - I think he has other ideas from school.

It's probably a phase yours will grow out of.

They start teaching it in nursery as part of the pse supposedly in an age appropriate way though I would personally dispute that there's any way to teach gi to children that is appropriate however that's moot. Also 3 year olds can be expelled from nursery for transphobia see article linked below from today's telegraph
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/03/31/toddler-kicked-out-of-nursery-for-being-transphobic/

What do you tell them if you encounter a trans person then?

I agree that you need to ask him why he wants to be a girl.

When I was a kid (maybe about age 8/9) I thought about how nice it would be to be a boy because my brother's always got cool presents like toy cars and planes etc.. from Santa but I would get boring stuff! plus, I thought boys had it easy when it came to fashion and weight - they could cut their hair short and not have the pain of brushing out knots, they could just put on a t shirt and jeans without worrying about looking 'pretty' (something my mum liked me to be), and they didn't (as far as I knew at the time) have to worry about having a belly, whereas all my female friends had skinny tummy's and I didn't feel I fitted in.

I wonder what advantages your son thinks there are to being a girl? Or what he thinks he does that is more traditionally stereotypically seen as girly??

Years ago, children who said things like this, along with wanting to be donkeys and noddys would just have their parents noting it as they note whether the child ate their breakfast or not, or what time of day it was

Then it became a thing, that has a name and which is attributed much more to it than it deserves. It doesnt mean anything, it means as much as if he said he wanted to be a unicorn or something.

The worst thing is to try to give it some sort of significance over and above all the other weird things kids say. Children with ASD might become fixated on one thing or another for some time, then move on to something else. It doesnt give it any more meaning

Play with whatever you like, wear whatever you like within the rules of your school uniform and weather requirements, but you are a boy, boys dont become girls or vice versa, its not possible.

Yeah they have gender ideology lessons squeezed in-between playing in the sandpit and learning how to count to twenty 🙄

I think one bad thing the trans lobby has accomplished is to make gender stereotypes way more of a thing than it ever used to be. It's a huge step back for women's (and men's) rights.

Pink is not just for girls, dolls and dresses don't mean you are a woman.

I would establish why he thinks this - I imagine it is as simple as wanting to do activities he believes are "for girls"....you just need to reinforce that girls and boys can do anything....and as a boy he can do "x" if he wants....