Little boy wanting to be a girl

This is where a lot of current confusion lies. This person is not ‘living as a woman’ - if he was, that would imply that I’m not living as a woman by my choice of wardrobe and friends while actually being a woman by dint of being born female.

I’m glad he’s happy with his outfits and lifestyle but he is not ‘living as a woman’. This sort of language is especially confusing to children and adults with processing difficulties.

I wouldn't worry too much about this OP.

My 5yr old son occasionally says he wants to be a girl and asks if he can. I say of course, you can be anything you want to be, and we love everything about you. He hasn't really taken it any further but does ask questions about stuff, for example whether he will have eggs if he is a girl, to which I have obviously explains no, because you were born a boy, you will never have eggs!

Some days he prefers to wear a tinkerbell dress or a mermaid skirt, other days dungarees and wellies. Some days he likes to play makeup with my lip gloss, other days he doesn't. Every day he plays with whatever he fancies, because all toys are for all kids.

He has family and friends who are trans/non-binary so it's just a very normal matter of fact thing to him, he understands that auntie Lorraine was born as a boy called Liam, or that so and so doesn't feel like a woman or a man. Kids are very accepting in my experience and love to learn about everything and anything.

Just keep loving him, supporting his interests, answering his questions honestly, and he will have the perfect environment to figure out his identity as he grows, as we all do or have done, knowing he is safe and loved by his family and that whatever and whoever he is, he is accepted and loved deeply.

This is true I know of a boy (now living as a woman) who maintained from earliest primary age that he was a girl and preferred girls company and clothes. This was in the mid 90s so not a new phenomenon at all.

Do we do all that each time a child declares they're going to be a donkey or a unicorn?

What is a donkey, why do you want to be a donkey, whats fun about being a donkey rather than a human? What things do you think a donkey can do that a human cant?

Dont feed it, allow children to play with what they want, dress what they want within reason for safety or uniform purposes, it doesnt have to have a name, its just being human.

For mine. For my child.

Who knows what will happen with this child. The overwhelmingly likelihood is that this means nothing and will pass.

But there are a tiny number of children for whom it doesn't, regardless of them never seeing a LGBTQ flag or knowing that transgender adults exist.

Only time will tell.

My son had an older sister and he used to declare when he was little, maybe 5 or 6,
"DS is a girl and I'm a girl and Daddy's a robot".
He grew out of it, though I think the "robot" label still rankles with DH.
He did grow his hair long at school - he was the only one for a while. It's still waist length and very thick

Be clear that boys cannot become girls but they are free to play with or do the whole range of activities.

It could well be his little brain is trying to process how his baby sister is getting attention that was once all his - and has come up with 'oh, it's because she's a girl, so ...'

I'm told I asked my parents to send my baby brother back to the hospital.

Does he have 1-1 time with you & with dad, when she is asleep or the other parent is with her? Putting the focus back on him may be what he's seeking.

It could also be stupid gendered nonsense in play. I did not like the dolls, toy kitchens, mini pram bla bla bla that I was given. I did like teddies, dinosaurs, daleks, pirates. I did not like the ballet and piano lessons (there is pic of me looking like a little tank in a tutu). I did like racing around the streets on my bike and playing on a building site 😬.

But I never thought I was really a boy because it just wasn't a narrative then.

Are they all encouraged to do everything and pick what they love, or is there a strong message at school that this is for boys, that is for girls? Are they already treated differently at school? Boys don't cry and should rough and tumble and not paint nails, girls should be kind and help mummy with the chores and wear pretty things .....

I'd absolutely do some digging and finding out what's going on under the bonnet. Find out the school attitude to all this, any Stonewall training/indoctrination, any children being socially transitioned, etc.

And let him see dad doing 'girl' things and mum doing 'boy' things as unremarkable - for want of a better analogy. (I can repoint brickwork and my OH has long hair and likes a velvet jacket 🤣)

Many interesting points here. I just am backing up the idea that it could be that his sister is getting attention "who's the best little girl?" "Isn't she a gorgeous little girl" comments might be weighing on his mind. My DC was like this when (same sex) sibling was born and said things like "I'm your little cutie pie too mommy, Isn't that right?"
So it could just be the baby

Well Stonewall did publicise its aim to access children from 2 upwards with its material knowledge gender ideology so they’ll be wanting to squeeze it in somewhere.

Often with one of the many new books on the subject and maybe read by a drag queen for extra indoctrination 👍

Kids are the worst gender police, I think it's no coincidence that this started after going to school. There will be loads of things that he might like doing that he just can't do any more because the little gender police will be policing this stuff all day long. Like hanging around with girls instead of boys, playing with 'girl toys', just not doing stupid boy things that he doesn't want to do. I'm not sure how to get round it really, unless you take him out of school.

I would visit his classroom/school and check out if there are any ‘progress’ Pride flags - the ones with the big black, brown and pink arrow that denotes possible trans lobby influence. Look at the school website/blogs to see any announcements re Stonewall or other activist orgs like No Outsiders that promote the concept that it is possible to be a girl in a boys body.

Check any relevant school policies and parent forums which may give you an indication of the sort of reaction you may get if you decide to raise it with a teacher. I’m sure most teachers are absolutely fine and will understand your concerns and wouldn’t dream of pretending to your child that he is really a girl but there are some concerning individuals who don’t believe in listening to parents wishes at all.

Forewarned is forearmed as they say.

I went to a fancy dress party as Noddy, I was in my early 20's at the time! I was most disappointed that my friend wouldn't go as Big Ears and went as a princess instead 😉

It could also be that the girls at school are going through an 'eurgh, boys are yucky' phase, not necessarily just that he thinks girly things are better. Certainly my DS is outraged at some of the things certain little girls have said about boys, and a bit sad that some girls he used to play with now don't play with him any more.

It is scary these days that people think surgery and drugs is the best response to kids such as your DS saying this. Thinking back to lovely times (1990s and thereabouts) when kids who were different were accepted without the threat of people suggesting surgery in response.

I agree with what others have said about gently explaining both that magic isn't real and that boys can't become girls. I think this will help with the rigid thinking that may come with his autism.

Because he's been repeating the "wanting to be a girl" I would find out what he thinks this means. And again, reiterate that boys can't turn into girls but they can do (just about) everything that girls can do. So, if he wants to grow his hair, let him grow his hair.

Some things that other people haven't mentioned that I would also do is:

• try and find male role models for him who are unashamedly men but are comfortable doing more stereotypically female things. Particularly if it's the thing he identifies (i.e. if it's long hair and you have a male friend with long hair) but it could be a dad who does more caregiving or a man who paints his nails or knits etc etc.
• I would not praise or encourage him as a boy at home (and discourage any other caregivers to do this too). Eg, if you say "good boy" or "be a brave boy" or whatever stop doing this and make any praise or encouragement about his character gender neutral. Not because he's not a boy, but because he should be well behaved or polite because those are positive human traits.

My DD7 is going through a phase of repeating she’d like to be a boy. She thinks boys are cooler, she’s at an age where cliques are forming in her friendship group and is getting annoyed by “girl” dynamics… and she is also picking up bits about puberty and is unimpressed. I suspect she thinks right now that the life of a boy is a bit more simple and thats where she’d like to hang. Also she is at an all girls school so is not over-exposed to boys and her view of them and their habits is rose-tinted!! I dont think it will last.

Do you think theres a chance OP that he is observing how the girls play and interact and prefers their approach - rather than it being an actual gender issue?

This is the age of magical reality. Believing in Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy etc.

It's fine for him to believe in these things.

He's also at the age where he's noticing the differences between boys and girls. There's something he clearly likes that he has identified as 'being for girls'- I think you need to have a chat about what this is and reassure him that boys and girls can both do/be/wear the same things.

At this age one of my sons absolutely preferred everything that was stereotypically 'girly' and there was much sobbing in the shoe shop about not being able to buy Lelly Kelly shoes (I wouldn't have bought them for a girl either - we needed school shoes). At home dress up was very much enjoyed including princess dresses/floaty scarves but also spacemen/police etc.

It did need a bit of careful handling because he was a sensitive soul and noticed quite quickly in school that his interests in certain things went down very badly with his male peers. For a while he preferred playing with girls.

Over time he shifted, whether that was to fit in better with boys I don't know - he's a man now, very interested in fashion and how he looks, but so far relationships have been heterosexual.

Listen to him, let him play, especially at home where he is safe from what can be cruel remarks from peers and let him grow into whatever sort of man he will become.

My 5yo ASD son was saying he felt like a girl recently, we think its just him trying to work things out in his mind, most of his friends are girls so he was saying things like 'I can't sing Im a barbie girl as thats what girls sing, and I am boy but I feel like a girl' so his Dad periodically sings it. He has long hair too, so we showed him other boys with long hair etc. We just reassure him that he is just him and to just be himself and we love him for who he is. Seems to be working atm.
Its like as they dont understand social cues or nuances they are trying to figure it al out now and overthinking it sometimes!

Does he have role-models who don’t follow typical pink/blue roles? Are there any on TV or the news you can show him without making a big deal out of it? In a book, maybe?

My DS knows it’s Mummy who mends technical things and has taught him to use tools, Daddy who does the laundry. His first childcare provider was a (straight) man, who also cooked for the children.

We‘ve also framed toys etc. as he likes what he likes. And we talk about friends as how they complement him (he‘s my football friend, he‘s my being silly friend, I like talking to her, and she and I both like Harry Potter). This reinforces that everyone is different, there’s no one size fits all.

However this pans out, I think it’s useful for him and all kids to see that you don’t have to fit a certain role as male or female.

That won't deal with the misconceptions about what he thinks being a boy or girl is.

I'd say "Well you are a boy not a girl, just like you're a person and not a magic dragon or a dinosaur. But there isn't anything you can't do because you're a little boy that you could do if you were a girl, so what are the things you want to do?" And take it from there.