To expect DH to wake up when the kids do?!

'He starts work at 9, from home, so there’s really no excuse for him to be lying in bed until 8.'

Eh? I start work at 9am (also wfh) and I don't get out of bed until 8:30.

Yanbu to expect him to be an equal parent. Yabu to be dropping spoons and withholding tea making. He is doing this because he is a lazy twat, and you're letting him get away with being a lazy twat.

Have you sat him down and told him that his lack of respect for you, by effectively forcing you to do his share of parenting in the morning as well as yours, is making you really frustrated and feels very unfair, and asked him what he is going to do about it? If not I'd start there and if if he still doesn't get it, then tell him for every early morning and breakfast he misses because he is having time to himself, you'll do the same at dinner time so he can really understand how shit it feels. And take yourself off for a nice meal or walk or cinema trip every evening that he abandons his duties in the morning. May be petty but actions speak louder than words and it's a good way of making him understand how it feels

Why aren't you using words, you know, like an adult, and telling him to get up? Just take it in turns with the kids.

I don't wake up easily either and can sleep through anything, but don't have any issues if DP wakes me up when it's my turn.

The most sane post of the whole thread.

And these women don’t seem to be an exception if the tradwife suggestions on this thread are any indication…take him a cup of tea, hoover outside the room, leave him alone if he’s the breadwinner… jeez are we still living in the 1950s? How depressing.

Tell him to get the F out of bed

We each get one lay in every 2 weeks. Each Sunday we take turns to sleep in approx an hour or so later than the other, unless we have plans.

Once the kids are up, the adults should be up

even if the kids aren’t up surely there are things to do before work/school in the morning instead of snoozing every day?! Perhaps he needs to go to bed earlier

@femfemlicious they both work. It appears DH WFH, so doesn’t have a long commute so can actually parent in the morning before he starts working

I don't think you both need to be up, I do think he needs to do his share. Perhaps split the early waking (he will have to use alarm) or if he does more chores later in the evening I wouldn't be too bothered. If you are not getting time to get dressed tell him you need him up supervising 3 year old 7.30-8 so you can shower.

Because she should get the kids up on a weekday. It's kinds her job. Why should he have to get the kids ready if he is going to work and ahe is going to be qt home

Well as it turns out she works too, and he works from home so doesn't have a commute.

Have a day off.

Seriously why can't he sort out their bags/uniform the night before-everything laid out? What does he actually do bar earn money? Has he been this useless since the eldest was born?

What a ridiculous comment. If she stays at home her working hours are 24/7 apparently and the husband gets to sleep in and only work allocated hours? Does he not have to engage in family life when he gets home either? Give me a break.

And OP, I wouldn’t be banging around. Unless he was ill, I’d wake him up when I was getting up with the children every day. Job done. He’s a CF.

Bollocks to this. Anything outside working hours/shift times/commute is 50/50.

To add - I agree with PP that his sleeping in sets a bad tone for the rest of the house, and for the day ahead. By 6am, both my parents were always up, drinking their coffee, reading the paper, chatting, every single morning when I was growing up.

While I sorted myself and my schoolbag/lunch/PE uniform out, it was always very reassuring to see mum and dad there together, taking their time with the morning, and with no feeling of being rushed. It always set a really good tone for the day. We all left super early (like 7am) so that first hour together was always really nice.

I'm a night owl, but funnily enough after having kids I've had to get my shit together.

Good for you Bathroom!

It all depends how bothered you are OP. I can tell you, I'd be bothered enough I'd end my marriage over this. Not necessarily by saying I'm done, but I'd be waking him up and not taking no for an answer. He's a disgrace and setting a shit example to his own kids about family life should look. If he didn't like it enough to pull the plug, so be it.

You need to work out your red line and then deliver on the decision.

I think you've shot yourself in the foot by being 'in charge' of the mornings, while your DH works from home and doesn't have to worry. As PP have said, why would he bother getting up if he knows that it will get sorted? Send 3-year-old upstairs to wake him.

I have 3 DC but much younger than yours, so mornings are very intense. We both work full-time. My DH is a night owl and has always struggled with mornings, even pre-DC.

Every weekday morning, I put the baby in his arms to bottle feed at about 6am, while I go downstairs to sort the other two. That does a sufficient job of waking him up and bringing him downstairs into the rabble. A key difference is that DH drops the older two at pre-school/school, while I drop baby at nursery. So, he needs to be up, ready, fed, with two DC wearing packed bags, in uniform. Or else he's late for work.

On the weekends, if he's not up by about 7am and I find myself downstairs with the lot of them, I send my oldest to go and wake him up.

If he won't get up in the mornings, why not tell him to do his contribution the night before then? HE can take care of the things that need to be prepped, so when you get up with them in the morning you aren't having to do everything.

If he won't, or if he agrees then doesn't do it then just get him up in the morning, pull the quilt off the bed and take it downstairs with you, selfish twat.

Does he at least get up with them at the weekends?

Because it’s fucking lazy to lie around in bed for hours on a weekday when the rest of the family are up and productive.

SAHPs are responsible for childcare while the other parent is at work, but it’s a shared task the rest of the time. For early mornings, you either take it in turns or get up together.

The only way this would be ok would be if he worked a night shift.

the clocks went forwards so they should be getting up later not earlier!

Things are not going to change then with this attitude are they then ? You have a choice keep going way you are going and ranting away etc with every morning in chaos, or you can stop and do something about it, people have given you advice here from being more organised at night to to even leaving your husband, you have a choice. No one is going to wave the magic wand for you you have to do it. Have a serious chat with your husband,( and i am not advising striping bed or dropping saucepans here, you are the adults here ) it takes two to make a child it takes two to raise one, divide and conquer. Start making small changes good habits to help life damn easier for you. Its not going to happen overnight but you have to be consistent or else this is what mornings are going to be like for the next years to come. If all else fails then Divorce

@Mumof3Chaos YANBU he should split this task with you coz he isn’t actually working at that time.

however I personally think YABU to expect your children to be organised and self sufficient when one of their parents can’t even model that behaviour. Personally I’d send the children in to get him up every morning and I’d have a discussion to split tasks.

failing that I’d stay in bed with all the children and act surprised when he asks about breakfast and getting ready. ‘Oh did you ask me to do that? I thought you were doing it’ then ask him to explain why he assumed it’s your job without ever asking or you agreeing. It’s a real insight to double standards.

If he's at home in the morning, I'd take myself off to the gym/pool a couple of times a week and let him deal with the whole getting ready thing. You're awake anyway, take him a cuppa to wake him up as you leave the house, and come back in time for the actual school run ( assuming it's you who has to do that).
My DH used to work shifts, but if he was home in the mornings, I'd feed the baby and be out the door at 7 and back for 8:15.

I recall once in a queue at the canteen at work. Two men talking behind me and one joking that their kid had been crying at night so he pretended to sleep so his wife could deal with it.

They were laughing heartily at it.

Your husband is pretending to sleep so you deal with it. You need to speak to him and tell him to pull his weight as currently he is treating you with contempt.

Surely the older kids can handle themselves or need to learn, you don’t need to do it. The 3 yr old can wait. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself and passing it to DH. The kids need to step up. Eg 10yr old can help 3 yr old.

whether DH gets up or not… it depends what he’s responsible for at other times. Does he do bath time or bed time? If you go to bed earlier? Eg I have the morning shift, DH has the evening shift.

I find that having 2 adults is WORSE than 1 adult in charge.

“I "accidentally” dropped a spoon"

ooohh you are really teaching him a lesson there 😂

Raise it to a saucepan next to his head and you might actually get somewhere