Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t believe my friend *[content warning: concerns child abuse]

65 replies

bloomerf · 31/03/2025 07:44

We’ve been friends since 12 were 26 now. My friend has been in a relationship with this guy for 2 years. I understand she’s and adult and will make her own decisions. This guy she has been dating who is not the bio dad to her son she has been letting him discipline him. I don’t mean take away his iPad I mean serious discipline.

The other day I spoke on the phone for a few and she told me she lets him discipline her son. She was upset with her bf because he made her 4 year old stand for hours in soiled clothes because he lied about peeing in the bed. I could not believe what the hell I was hearing. I don’t give input unless asked but what the actual fuck??

I have asked her what her plans are and she just keeps telling me she loves him and he’s a good guy. I’m sorry I’m so furious because to me that’s not acceptable. Am I too involved or is this shit like not ok???

OP posts:
Elicitcoffee · 31/03/2025 08:27

bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:19

i am in the US. It’s currently 3 am

It took me 10 seconds to find the 24 hour 7 day a week reporting line in the US

And even if you hadn’t been able to find

police (911 just in case!)

Belshels · 31/03/2025 08:25

Reminds me of that poor little boy Arthur Labinjo-Hughes 💔

LurkyMcLurkinson · 31/03/2025 08:24

Please tell someone about this as soon as possible. Step fathers pose a very significant risk in terms of killing a child and this kind of abuse will only escalate and escalate.

Elicitcoffee · 31/03/2025 08:24

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 08:22

I don't know when OP heard about this. But I can tell you there's no point making a referral at the weekend, out of hours social services are emergency only and this wouldn't qualify as an emergency. Police also would just hand it over to social services for a strategy meeting on Monday.

Show quote history

she is in the US
number 24 hours 7 days a week listed above

or…. The police

Penguinmouse · 31/03/2025 08:24

Please ring Social Services or the police. That is not discipline, it is abuse. To let a child stand on soiled clothing as punishment is abuse.

So many stories of single mums moving boyfriends in and them abusing their children, often killing them. The mums always say “they love him”. It is well known pattern. Your friend’s child is in danger. Report this and do not hesitate.

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 08:22

Elicitcoffee · 31/03/2025 08:19

so “the other day” was Saturday?

and you would have been able to get through to SS. Whilst reduced staff over the weekends, you could have contacted

and if not

police

Show quote history

I don't know when OP heard about this. But I can tell you there's no point making a referral at the weekend, out of hours social services are emergency only and this wouldn't qualify as an emergency. Police also would just hand it over to social services for a strategy meeting on Monday.

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 08:20

You're a good person, and you're doing the right thing. Make sure you do tell her parents too. That child needs as many people to safeguard him as possible. Don't assume social services can do it alone.

Elicitcoffee · 31/03/2025 08:19

bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:18

And it is the weekend so again???

Show quote history

so “the other day” was Saturday?

and you would have been able to get through to SS. Whilst reduced staff over the weekends, you could have contacted

and if not

police

Original poster
bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:19

i am in the US. It’s currently 3 am

OP posts:
AliBaliBee1234 · 31/03/2025 08:19

bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:09

Our friendship will definitely be coming to an end but he’s more important than anything right now to me.

Show quote history

Well done OP. Please help get this boy to safety.

Original poster
bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:18

Elicitcoffee · 31/03/2025 08:16

The OP learned of this abuse “the other day”

Show quote history

And it is the weekend so again???

OP posts:
Elicitcoffee · 31/03/2025 08:16

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/03/2025 08:16

Yeah, and your immediate response is not to say or do anything, but to wait several days and post about it on the internet.

Unless a situation is immediately life threatening it’s usually best to wait for working hours to report concerns. Duty social work teams aren’t staffed for home visits etc so they would simply pass the referral to the day team, and if the OP can speak to them directly it’s usually better.

The OP learned of this abuse “the other day”

Elicitcoffee · 31/03/2025 08:16

bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:14

You said that because???

Show quote history

“The other day….”

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/03/2025 08:16

Yeah, and your immediate response is not to say or do anything, but to wait several days and post about it on the internet.

Unless a situation is immediately life threatening it’s usually best to wait for working hours to report concerns. Duty social work teams aren’t staffed for home visits etc so they would simply pass the referral to the day team, and if the OP can speak to them directly it’s usually better.

Elicitcoffee · 31/03/2025 08:15

I don’t want this child with any of the adults in this equation including the OP. Who comes to mumsnet to ask whether to butt out of very very evident and disturbing and serious abuse

Original poster
bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:14

BrokenLine · 31/03/2025 08:12

Yeah, and your immediate response is not to say or do anything, but to wait several days and post about it on the internet.

You said that because???

OP posts:
Original poster
bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:14

SemperIdem · 31/03/2025 08:08

Agree with everyone else here and I’m relieved to see that you do too. Social services must be contacted to keep this poor little boy safe.

Do you think she has told you because she, irrespective of what she has said about loving the man, knows it is abuse and is possibly being abused herself, knows she needs help?

I have offered to have them stay at my home. She says he will not hurt them, but I do not believe that. He’s not a good guy I do not trust him especially after this. I have to make sure he’s ok but I also want to call her parents and let them know as well. They both need away from this man.

OP posts:
BrokenLine · 31/03/2025 08:12

Yeah, and your immediate response is not to say or do anything, but to wait several days and post about it on the internet.

Therehastobemoretolife · 31/03/2025 08:11

I just want to give that little boy a cuddle 🥺

Original poster
bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:09

AliBaliBee1234 · 31/03/2025 08:05

This is quite often something you end up reading about in the news. This is abuse and although it puts you in a really difficult situation, you need to at least tell the school.

Edit: saw your update, well done for not turning a blind eye

Edited

Our friendship will definitely be coming to an end but he’s more important than anything right now to me.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 31/03/2025 08:08

Agree with everyone else here and I’m relieved to see that you do too. Social services must be contacted to keep this poor little boy safe.

Do you think she has told you because she, irrespective of what she has said about loving the man, knows it is abuse and is possibly being abused herself, knows she needs help?

JacqFrost · 31/03/2025 08:07

Yep that is pure abuse. Do the right thing and alert someone to what is happening.

AliBaliBee1234 · 31/03/2025 08:05

This is quite often something you end up reading about in the news. This is abuse and although it puts you in a really difficult situation, you need to at least tell the school.

Edit: saw your update, well done for not turning a blind eye

Original poster
bloomerf · 31/03/2025 08:03

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/03/2025 07:58

I’d be speaking to social work about this one. The partner is abusive and his mum isn’t a protective factor in his life. I’d also suggest that this isn’t the worst of it, because we tend to not share the worst. There should be a duty number for children and families social work, I’d also speak to the safeguarding lead at school so they can keep an eye and work with social work.

I asked if more was happening she didn’t really want to answer. There’s no way this is all he is doing. It’s insane and I’m so pissed that she allowed it to happen to him. I will be contacting SS because he needs to be out of that house.

OP posts: