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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a CF one

189 replies

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 01:02

Back from a slightly tense weekend away and good to get opinions on my reasonability puls share some CFery!

Group of 4 friends from a sports hobby (long stopped), who meet every month or so for a wine. Friend (the CF) has always come across as a bit tight, eg would never buy someone else a drink but happy to accept offer of one, that kind of thing.

Anyway, my aunt has a holiday house. Ive visited lots with family, it's beautiful and my aunt has always said we can come whenever (assuming no one else is there). Ever since hearing this, CF has banged on about wanting to visit. I was deliberately 'oh maybe' as wasn't sure id enjoy a weekend trip with them. However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

The CFery included:

  • refusing to get great value coach and instead pursuing non CF friend to drive us,
  • bringing literal car full of clothes/shoes/home comforts (hence refusung coach as wouldn't be able to carry it to station) meaning rest of us had journey with bags (including hers) on our laps (and suggesting we get out and get last minute ££ coach tickets instead))
  • claiming the master suite and then moaning next day (to my Aunt who'd popped in briefly to check we were ok!!) about how terrible the bed was, how noisy the ensuite toilet was etc...
  • not coming on (free) trips my Aunt had arranged as wanted 'me time'
  • bringing sandwiches to lovely pub as didn't want to pay for pub food
  • generally just bring PITA - too hot, too cold, hungry, bored etc.

Theres loads of other things but these are just the ones from top of head.

However, reason for this post is I'd asked group if they were ok to contribute to a thank you gift for my aunt. Now, Aunt is wealthy, she absolutely could charge us to stay, but doesnt. Previously we've bought a big bunch of flowers, or houseplant, fruit basket etc - a token of our thanks but still something my Aunt would find a treat.

I'd estimate the cost to rent the house for 2 nights would be £600+

CF said happy to contribute £5.

I honestly thought, you tight cow. Aibu?!

And yes, everyone's financial situation is different but don't invite yourself to someone's house if you're not prepared to contribute properly to the costs when there! Plus regularly away on mini breaks and overseas holidays so not completely skint.

OP posts:
Harry9 · 31/03/2025 08:28

I do understand how it’s not always as easy as it sounds to call out a CF right there but I do think it’s easier to stop making plans with them in future. The only ones I haven’t managed to weed out of my life/plans are DH’s friends although I try to encourage him to just do things with his friends himself so I haven’t got to see and be frustrated by the tightwads after group dinners etc.

Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:25

Thanks for responses! I was really interested to know if the £5 was as cheeky as I thought it was but I'll respond to other bits now.

As to how she came in first place, I was non committal at first, brushing off requests. However, I got worn down with the constant requests. Appreciate I should have told her to fuck off with the badgering, but at that point, save some tightness with drinks, there was no other evidence of cheeky fuckery, and it would have been a bit out of the blue.

I honestly thought it would be hard to get a date we could all do, and then chance of house being available on that date was also low. So it probably wouldn't happen.

Plus, even if it did happen, at this point, her CF colours hadn't truly been revealed, and I thought it might even be nice/fun. One of the friends has had a shit time recently and I think at that point I CF said how good it would be to get her away and why not go to your Aunts house, and I my 'lets look into it' was taken as a firm invite. Absolutely agree with posters that this was on me to firm no but CF are by their nature, relentless.

Plus I knew my Aunt would have no.issue, she loves meeting new people and having people in the house.

OP posts:
sofaofchange · 31/03/2025 08:24

RedHelenB · 31/03/2025 08:19

This. There were so many points to say no , the initial idea, refusing to drive the car, the putting all the luggage in the car the claiming of the ensuite etc etc And just say how much you wanted CF to put in for the flowers.

Show quote history

I agree with this- there were many points you could have politely declined, it doesnt have to be rude or confrontational. There is a huge middle ground between being treated like a doormat and starting a friendship war.

If you are going to continue to enable her behaviour then you cant really complain about it- you know exactly how it's going to go so either put up with it or stop it. But dont be surprised at the same thing happening over and over again if you arent willing to say something.

Bestnottalkaboutit · 31/03/2025 08:24

ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/03/2025 01:33

YABU if you didn’t actually open your mouth and say something while all this was happening.

The passivity of some posters is almost worse than the CFery they are willing to tolerate. FFS!

Totally agree with this. Ridiculous not to call her out at ANY of the points above you’ve mentioned.

Instead you let it continue…..this is as much on you as it is her.

thinktwice36 · 31/03/2025 08:24

Why the hell did none of you say anything??

the master bedroom??

Heronwatcher · 31/03/2025 08:23

Why didn’t you say something?

“Sorry X, that sounds like a massive PITA, let’s get the coach.
[Bag issue wouldn’t have arisen anyway, but in furure] X what the hell have you got in those bags, we’re only going for 2 nights! No way will that fit in the car! You’re either going to have to repack or get a taxi.
Now X my aunt has specifically asked me to go in this room, and given that I’ve arranged it I think that’s fair. You’re over here…
X if you don’t like the accommodation, there’s a bus home at 11. I think what you meant was “thank you”….”

Remember CFs are only CFs because people have never stopped them.

HonoraBridge · 31/03/2025 08:21

CF sounds appalling. Why are you friends?

RedHelenB · 31/03/2025 08:19

ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/03/2025 01:33

YABU if you didn’t actually open your mouth and say something while all this was happening.

The passivity of some posters is almost worse than the CFery they are willing to tolerate. FFS!

This. There were so many points to say no , the initial idea, refusing to drive the car, the putting all the luggage in the car the claiming of the ensuite etc etc And just say how much you wanted CF to put in for the flowers.

FindingNeverland28 · 31/03/2025 08:19

She is indeed a grade A CF, but you and the others in the group have just let her walk all over you. Tell her that the minimum contribution is £50.
I would also be saying something along the lines of… ‘It’s such a shame, you won’t be joining us again in a weekend away seeing as the house wasn’t up to scratch for you.’ And every time she protests, just shut her down and say ‘It’s fine honestly. I understand that you can’t please everyone. Don’t try and make yourself go through another uncomfortable experience to please others. I won’t allow it’ and then change the conversation.

StartAnew · 31/03/2025 08:17

You shouldn't bring someone like that to your Aunt's house OP, it's not fair on your aunt or anyone else. Why on earth do you still arrange things with this woman?

Lurkingandlearning · 31/03/2025 08:15

Next time you hesitate about pulling her up on her CF remember you aren’t going to hurt her feelings because people like her have very thick skin. They have to or would be constantly blushing. Decent people don’t keep putting themselves in situations they can’t afford expecting others to cover the cost.
Be cheerful but be blunt….

I won’t get you a drink because I know you don’t like doing rounds.

Why would I organise a free weekend away for you when you haven’t bought me so much as a Cornish pasty? (Laugh)

Bit late for that one but you get the gist.

Ive had times when I wasn’t earning as much as friends. I met up with them less frequently, but still enough to maintain the friendships. I only ordered what I could afford and paid separately.

applemash · 31/03/2025 08:13

Strictlymad · 31/03/2025 08:10

I think all the posters having a go at the op are being a bit unfair. Sometimes your gast is so flabbered at what’s coming out of someone’s mouth you just can’t think of the right words to reply at the time and only with hindsight think of a suitable response

Sure, this is true but the holiday was planned- it wasnt an impromptu thing they decided one day and then went the very next day, OP did have time to come up with an excuse why the holiday let couldnt be used eg: "sorry, my aunt only lets family stay there" etc As PP have suggested. She already knew what this friend was like beforehand.

godmum56 · 31/03/2025 08:11

MellowCritic · 31/03/2025 07:29

Wow never seen such a bandwagon response in all my time here. Yes op shouldn't enable. I also don't understand why op even mentioned it to ppl that she has access to her aunts home. Me personally wouldn't mention stuff like that for this exact reason of any inappropriate persons asking for access too. But to all the posters coming on here acting like they all so tough and blaming op, I'd say more then likely you've all enabled or turned a blind eye to someone in your whole lives because sometimes it's easier and we see it day in and day out.

Edited

Yes but you know what they say about fool me once, fool me twice?

Strictlymad · 31/03/2025 08:10

I think all the posters having a go at the op are being a bit unfair. Sometimes your gast is so flabbered at what’s coming out of someone’s mouth you just can’t think of the right words to reply at the time and only with hindsight think of a suitable response

godmum56 · 31/03/2025 08:09

Fairyliz · 31/03/2025 07:42

No advice op just giving you a bit of sympathy. I’m part of a group where there is a cf and yes I know we allow it. However when she says/does something it is so hard in the second to actually say anything as we are so surprised.

I suppose we are also conditioned to ‘be nice’ and not cause a fuss, so people get away with it.

Why are you surprised if the CF has form?

godmum56 · 31/03/2025 08:08

latetothefisting · 31/03/2025 01:35

She does sound like an absolute nightmare but at some point you have to take ownership of letting her get away with this shit

You could have said no to the whole trip - she can't make you invite her

You could have said no to the driving or at least stayed out of it and got the coach yourself

You could have said "haha no way you cheeky cow, it's my aunts house so I'm having the master suite, there's a nice room next door, here I'll grab your (many) bags...."

You could have said "no way CF, you can't bring sandwiches to the pub, that's embarrassing and they won't let you eat other food there (tbh I'm surprised they did), either eat your sandwiches here first and come with us just for a drink or don't come"

You could have pulled her up on her moaning - it doesn't have to be aggressive or an argument but if you're good enough friends to go away for a weekend together you're close enough to either say jokingly "let me guess x, what's wrong today with your free holiday" or have a quiet word along the lines of "I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive but telling my aunt all the things wrong with her house when she's been kind enough to let you stay here for free was really rude, and I felt really embarrassed."

I dont understand why people bend over backwards and don't say anything to avoid awkwardness or an argument when the CF clearly doesn't care about everyone else's comfort.

People only get away with what you let them

This. CF's get away with stuff because lettuces let them.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/03/2025 08:07

Honestly I think I would say, "After inviting yourself on a free holiday at someone else's house and badgering another person to drive you there so you didn't have to get the coach, I wish I could say I am amazed that you're only willing to contribute £5 for a thank you gift, but sadly it's not surprising. Don't bother, I'll sort the gift myself, and the next time you try to wangle a free holiday, the answer will be no."

Dweetfidilove · 31/03/2025 08:03

3 of you, 1 of her and no-one pulled her up?
YABU!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 31/03/2025 08:02

You were bonkers for letting her push you into the holiday in the first place. But at least her CF behaviour gives you the perfect reason to exclude her next time. No point asking her to come again if bed is so bad, toilet so noisy etc.

Codlingmoths · 31/03/2025 07:59

Yabu if you don’t say what the very first comment said- given how generous she’s been I really think we could each do £50, here are my bank details. And chase her for it, shamelessly, as every message from you to her saying pay up makes it less likely she pushes you in the future as she will think ah no not her, she bloody well thought I owed £50 for a gift!

Dweetfidilove · 31/03/2025 07:58

latetothefisting · 31/03/2025 01:35

She does sound like an absolute nightmare but at some point you have to take ownership of letting her get away with this shit

You could have said no to the whole trip - she can't make you invite her

You could have said no to the driving or at least stayed out of it and got the coach yourself

You could have said "haha no way you cheeky cow, it's my aunts house so I'm having the master suite, there's a nice room next door, here I'll grab your (many) bags...."

You could have said "no way CF, you can't bring sandwiches to the pub, that's embarrassing and they won't let you eat other food there (tbh I'm surprised they did), either eat your sandwiches here first and come with us just for a drink or don't come"

You could have pulled her up on her moaning - it doesn't have to be aggressive or an argument but if you're good enough friends to go away for a weekend together you're close enough to either say jokingly "let me guess x, what's wrong today with your free holiday" or have a quiet word along the lines of "I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive but telling my aunt all the things wrong with her house when she's been kind enough to let you stay here for free was really rude, and I felt really embarrassed."

I dont understand why people bend over backwards and don't say anything to avoid awkwardness or an argument when the CF clearly doesn't care about everyone else's comfort.

People only get away with what you let them

Amen!

FuckityFux · 31/03/2025 07:53

Sorry OP, but you and your friends are absolute drips to let her get away with this stuff.

Cognacsoft · 31/03/2025 07:48

In future you should have a sum in mind.
Ok, I’d like £xx amount each please to buy my aunt a gift for being so kind.

Fairyliz · 31/03/2025 07:42

No advice op just giving you a bit of sympathy. I’m part of a group where there is a cf and yes I know we allow it. However when she says/does something it is so hard in the second to actually say anything as we are so surprised.

I suppose we are also conditioned to ‘be nice’ and not cause a fuss, so people get away with it.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 31/03/2025 07:40

I agree with @SwanOfThoseThingsnobody can force you into something like that! And you can't just spring on them now that you want £50 from each of them without prior discussion, it should have been brought up earlier, before the trip