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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a CF one

189 replies

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 01:02

Back from a slightly tense weekend away and good to get opinions on my reasonability puls share some CFery!

Group of 4 friends from a sports hobby (long stopped), who meet every month or so for a wine. Friend (the CF) has always come across as a bit tight, eg would never buy someone else a drink but happy to accept offer of one, that kind of thing.

Anyway, my aunt has a holiday house. Ive visited lots with family, it's beautiful and my aunt has always said we can come whenever (assuming no one else is there). Ever since hearing this, CF has banged on about wanting to visit. I was deliberately 'oh maybe' as wasn't sure id enjoy a weekend trip with them. However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

The CFery included:

  • refusing to get great value coach and instead pursuing non CF friend to drive us,
  • bringing literal car full of clothes/shoes/home comforts (hence refusung coach as wouldn't be able to carry it to station) meaning rest of us had journey with bags (including hers) on our laps (and suggesting we get out and get last minute ££ coach tickets instead))
  • claiming the master suite and then moaning next day (to my Aunt who'd popped in briefly to check we were ok!!) about how terrible the bed was, how noisy the ensuite toilet was etc...
  • not coming on (free) trips my Aunt had arranged as wanted 'me time'
  • bringing sandwiches to lovely pub as didn't want to pay for pub food
  • generally just bring PITA - too hot, too cold, hungry, bored etc.

Theres loads of other things but these are just the ones from top of head.

However, reason for this post is I'd asked group if they were ok to contribute to a thank you gift for my aunt. Now, Aunt is wealthy, she absolutely could charge us to stay, but doesnt. Previously we've bought a big bunch of flowers, or houseplant, fruit basket etc - a token of our thanks but still something my Aunt would find a treat.

I'd estimate the cost to rent the house for 2 nights would be £600+

CF said happy to contribute £5.

I honestly thought, you tight cow. Aibu?!

And yes, everyone's financial situation is different but don't invite yourself to someone's house if you're not prepared to contribute properly to the costs when there! Plus regularly away on mini breaks and overseas holidays so not completely skint.

OP posts:
TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 31/03/2025 09:20

"Oh sorry (CF) Aunt's house is always totally booked up."

If she whines, repeat.

It's done now though so do you think the group will remove her or will she just keep on being this revolting CF, emboldened by getting away with so much piss poor behaviour?

U53rName · 31/03/2025 09:16

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:38

There was plenty of standing up to her. She had to leave a couple of bags at home so we'd all fit in car. She wanted to visit a outlet store on way down, we said no. She wanted us to pick her up her specialist coffee, we said you can get it yourself, didn't want to go for pub lunch but we did etc. Especially as weekend progressed and everyone realised how rude she was.

Is everyone else in the group fed up with CF now too?

Lastgig · 31/03/2025 09:15

I have a millionaire friend who avoids any chance of paying for others food. At a friend's birthday meet she offered to split the cost of a £7 bowl of soup as a 'birthday treat'. I'm watching her closely at the moment as she has avoided paying for breakfast on the three occasions. Twice as her card didn't work. It actually makes me laugh as we all know she is going to do it. She's never been poor and she inherited the lot. She did buy me a coffee before Christmas but ordered herself a sandwich.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 31/03/2025 09:14

However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

YABU making out this was beyond your control. Use your words and say no.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/03/2025 09:14

I'm not understanding the bit about the coach... were the rest of you going to drive and she was expected to take the coach? In which case that's a bit odd, or were you all going to take the coach and she insisted that you go by car so she could take all her stuff? Which is where someone just plain refuses and you either all go by coach or nobody goes. Or did she offer to drive?

Because travel is usually where you put your foot down first of all. If someone 'won't' travel the way the rest of you are going then that's on them. They either find their own way or don't go. If the rest of you are driving and expecting her to take the coach alone, then that's a bit mean. If she drove - well, that's her contribution.

But she does sound like one of those 'steamroller' people who just say 'right, I'm doing this' and everyone gazes at everyone else in amazement and says 'right, okay...' It would be doing this person a kindness, to be honest, if people stood up to her more and said 'no,'

Tagyoureit · 31/03/2025 09:13

This friendship would have been well and truly over for me before this weekend away. Now it would be dead, I certainly wouldn't spend any more time with her at all.

IntermittentFarting · 31/03/2025 09:10

they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set

Heres where you lost me, before the big list of extra CFery.
“A date was set”. That implies that it was not you who set it or agreed that it should ever be set in the first place.
And why did you let your friends know that there was even the possibility of a holiday for them in a property owned by your aunt?

DH inherited an apartment in Mallorca in a beautiful place overlooking the sea… no one goes except closest family and two best friends. “No, sorry!” tends to suffice. And we do get asked!

Thoughtsonstuff · 31/03/2025 09:09

Obvnotthegolden · 31/03/2025 01:52

I don't understand how she claimed the master bedroom. Isn't that obviously either yours or the driver's room?

If you didn't feel able to claim it for yourself you could have said "actually that's driver's seeing as she kindly drove all the way here".

What did the other friends think of her being like this?

I really don't understand how no one stood up to her at any point.

Agreed. It's a lesson in the host always assigning rooms in advance themselves.

Penguinmouse · 31/03/2025 09:07

The time to raise the issue was when it was happening but I also hate conflict so I can’t pretend I would have been better - the second best time is now. Get money for a better present (£5 is so cheeky) and then let her know that you thought her behaviour was rude and you won’t be going on future trips with her. Tbh, I would not want to be friends with this person full stop.

Hwi · 31/03/2025 09:05

I wonder if the Aunt is now posting somewhere something along the lines of 'This is CF territory - I have a relative and I don't mind if she comes once every 15 years and stays for free, but she somehow thinks it is OK to bring her friends too! I have to pop in every now and then to make sure they did not trash the house, and I try to hint that I don't like those troupes coming in by arranging free day trips for them, but to no avail'.

Heronwatcher · 31/03/2025 09:01

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:38

There was plenty of standing up to her. She had to leave a couple of bags at home so we'd all fit in car. She wanted to visit a outlet store on way down, we said no. She wanted us to pick her up her specialist coffee, we said you can get it yourself, didn't want to go for pub lunch but we did etc. Especially as weekend progressed and everyone realised how rude she was.

But you still let her pack so much you all had to sit with her stuff, get the best room, moan about it to your aunt and seemingly pay only £5! I think your definition of standing up is slightly different to most!!

Hwi · 31/03/2025 09:01

Angelou79 · 31/03/2025 01:37

Most of what you said sounds like the person doesn’t have much cash, however I’d be pushing for at least £20 per person or more to thank the Aunt.

There was a time when I did not have much cash and my friends had loads. I politely declined ALL invitations, pretending I was otherwise engaged (I was not). I never breathed a word to my friends about not having cash, I just lied because I did not want them to think 'oh, we have to pay for her, treat her'. If you don't have much cash, politely decline.

ArtyFartyHippopotamus · 31/03/2025 08:54

Just say “No” in future. She is not your friend, she is a manipulator and you just enabled her behaviour.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 31/03/2025 08:53

I find wet lettuces just as annoying as CFers and equally culpable

Duggeewoof · 31/03/2025 08:51

latetothefisting · 31/03/2025 01:35

She does sound like an absolute nightmare but at some point you have to take ownership of letting her get away with this shit

You could have said no to the whole trip - she can't make you invite her

You could have said no to the driving or at least stayed out of it and got the coach yourself

You could have said "haha no way you cheeky cow, it's my aunts house so I'm having the master suite, there's a nice room next door, here I'll grab your (many) bags...."

You could have said "no way CF, you can't bring sandwiches to the pub, that's embarrassing and they won't let you eat other food there (tbh I'm surprised they did), either eat your sandwiches here first and come with us just for a drink or don't come"

You could have pulled her up on her moaning - it doesn't have to be aggressive or an argument but if you're good enough friends to go away for a weekend together you're close enough to either say jokingly "let me guess x, what's wrong today with your free holiday" or have a quiet word along the lines of "I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive but telling my aunt all the things wrong with her house when she's been kind enough to let you stay here for free was really rude, and I felt really embarrassed."

I dont understand why people bend over backwards and don't say anything to avoid awkwardness or an argument when the CF clearly doesn't care about everyone else's comfort.

People only get away with what you let them

All of this. These people exist because others let them get away with their outrageous behaviour.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 31/03/2025 08:51

Yes she’s rude but you said yes when you should of said my aunt only lets family stay.

You’ll know for next time someone asks though.

nomas · 31/03/2025 08:50

Is there any chance she could have made a copy of the key to your aunt’s place? I’m getting Mexican house thief vibes!

JeanGenieJean · 31/03/2025 08:49

The CF sounds exactly like my SIL, except the most she'd give would be 20p.
Sounds like CF friend needs to be kept at arm's length from now on.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/03/2025 08:41

FuckityFux · 31/03/2025 07:53

Sorry OP, but you and your friends are absolute drips to let her get away with this stuff.

This is also exactly WHY CF has so much money to spend on herself.... Decent pals let her get away with it...

Cosyblankets · 31/03/2025 08:41

Who paid for the petrol?

Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:38

There was plenty of standing up to her. She had to leave a couple of bags at home so we'd all fit in car. She wanted to visit a outlet store on way down, we said no. She wanted us to pick her up her specialist coffee, we said you can get it yourself, didn't want to go for pub lunch but we did etc. Especially as weekend progressed and everyone realised how rude she was.

OP posts:
Harry9 · 31/03/2025 08:36

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/03/2025 08:29

Respond with something like
"£5. That's an insult to me and to my aunt. It doesn't even cover the cost of heating and hot water. Here's my bank details for your share. By the way, you also owe Tracey for petrol."

I think with people like this, it even needs drawing up before agreeing who’s in.

Eg. “It obviously won’t be a total freebie. It’ll cost drivers about £X to travel X miles. I also think £XPP is an appropriate amount to cover costs for my aunt so we can arrive with a gift for her.”

Then agree that the bank transfers for both will be made in advance before the trip so you’re not chasing up CFs after it’s over. It’ll filter out CFs who won’t want to part with petrol and gift cash.

This is why I am thrilled to have never been asked to organise a big, especially abroad hen do or something similar. There are far too many CFs. The amount of hen party group chats I’ve been in that have quickly turned sour over money…

BrokenLine · 31/03/2025 08:30

I’m with @latetothefisting — some of this is on you. It is literally impossible for a CF to be a CF without a WL (Wet Lettuce). From what you say, you knew perfectly well that a weekend with this person would be trying and yet you enabled all these behaviours. Perfectly possible not to invite her. Perfectly possible to say ‘We’re getting the coach; see you there!’ Perfectly possible to say ‘We draw lots for the biggest room’. Perfectly possible to say ‘I think what CF meant to say, Auntie X, was thank you very much for letting her use your house’ etc etc.

Also, that perennial Mn mystery. Why have ‘friends’ you don’t like or respect, who are rude, inconsiderate and ungracious?

MarkingBad · 31/03/2025 08:29

MellowCritic · 31/03/2025 07:29

Wow never seen such a bandwagon response in all my time here. Yes op shouldn't enable. I also don't understand why op even mentioned it to ppl that she has access to her aunts home. Me personally wouldn't mention stuff like that for this exact reason of any inappropriate persons asking for access too. But to all the posters coming on here acting like they all so tough and blaming op, I'd say more then likely you've all enabled or turned a blind eye to someone in your whole lives because sometimes it's easier and we see it day in and day out.

Edited

Only if the friend didn't already have form for CFery.

They can do it to me the once, life is far too short for shit friends who take advantage.

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/03/2025 08:29

Respond with something like
"£5. That's an insult to me and to my aunt. It doesn't even cover the cost of heating and hot water. Here's my bank details for your share. By the way, you also owe Tracey for petrol."