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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a CF one

189 replies

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 01:02

Back from a slightly tense weekend away and good to get opinions on my reasonability puls share some CFery!

Group of 4 friends from a sports hobby (long stopped), who meet every month or so for a wine. Friend (the CF) has always come across as a bit tight, eg would never buy someone else a drink but happy to accept offer of one, that kind of thing.

Anyway, my aunt has a holiday house. Ive visited lots with family, it's beautiful and my aunt has always said we can come whenever (assuming no one else is there). Ever since hearing this, CF has banged on about wanting to visit. I was deliberately 'oh maybe' as wasn't sure id enjoy a weekend trip with them. However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

The CFery included:

  • refusing to get great value coach and instead pursuing non CF friend to drive us,
  • bringing literal car full of clothes/shoes/home comforts (hence refusung coach as wouldn't be able to carry it to station) meaning rest of us had journey with bags (including hers) on our laps (and suggesting we get out and get last minute ££ coach tickets instead))
  • claiming the master suite and then moaning next day (to my Aunt who'd popped in briefly to check we were ok!!) about how terrible the bed was, how noisy the ensuite toilet was etc...
  • not coming on (free) trips my Aunt had arranged as wanted 'me time'
  • bringing sandwiches to lovely pub as didn't want to pay for pub food
  • generally just bring PITA - too hot, too cold, hungry, bored etc.

Theres loads of other things but these are just the ones from top of head.

However, reason for this post is I'd asked group if they were ok to contribute to a thank you gift for my aunt. Now, Aunt is wealthy, she absolutely could charge us to stay, but doesnt. Previously we've bought a big bunch of flowers, or houseplant, fruit basket etc - a token of our thanks but still something my Aunt would find a treat.

I'd estimate the cost to rent the house for 2 nights would be £600+

CF said happy to contribute £5.

I honestly thought, you tight cow. Aibu?!

And yes, everyone's financial situation is different but don't invite yourself to someone's house if you're not prepared to contribute properly to the costs when there! Plus regularly away on mini breaks and overseas holidays so not completely skint.

OP posts:
MellowCritic · 31/03/2025 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/03/2025 10:14

I would never let it get that far. I wouldn’t go away with someone I wasn’t that fussed on. I’d have kept shutting it down.

JHound · 31/03/2025 10:14

What is CF?

YehThoughtSo · 31/03/2025 10:14

Tbh she sounds very CF for most of it but I dislike generalised 'shall we get a gift' in group settings.

Personally I would not be able to go on a break in the first place unless it was house sitting, or a similar low cost opportunity - so if I had accepted a low cost offer only for people to then turn around and suggest we basically spend the equivalent on a gift... I'd be a bit annoyed.

If you have a clear idea of what gift you want to get it would be better to lead with 'I was thinking let's get this gift that is 100 quid, that's 20 each, is that okay?' Rather than seeing who is the most generous with their offers.

People have different understandings of what is reasonable, and that's fine. My partner and I spend £20-40 on each other's gift for birthdays, and we've been together 10 years. My friends will spend 300+ on their partners. Wildly different assessments of what is reasonable. And neither of us are wrong.

(but she does sound generally like an idiot and a bit rude and a bit pushy - so you're not wrong about her being a CF in general, especially with inviting herself etc.)

femfemlicious · 31/03/2025 10:14

latetothefisting · 31/03/2025 01:35

She does sound like an absolute nightmare but at some point you have to take ownership of letting her get away with this shit

You could have said no to the whole trip - she can't make you invite her

You could have said no to the driving or at least stayed out of it and got the coach yourself

You could have said "haha no way you cheeky cow, it's my aunts house so I'm having the master suite, there's a nice room next door, here I'll grab your (many) bags...."

You could have said "no way CF, you can't bring sandwiches to the pub, that's embarrassing and they won't let you eat other food there (tbh I'm surprised they did), either eat your sandwiches here first and come with us just for a drink or don't come"

You could have pulled her up on her moaning - it doesn't have to be aggressive or an argument but if you're good enough friends to go away for a weekend together you're close enough to either say jokingly "let me guess x, what's wrong today with your free holiday" or have a quiet word along the lines of "I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive but telling my aunt all the things wrong with her house when she's been kind enough to let you stay here for free was really rude, and I felt really embarrassed."

I dont understand why people bend over backwards and don't say anything to avoid awkwardness or an argument when the CF clearly doesn't care about everyone else's comfort.

People only get away with what you let them

I'm really worried about my daughter. I see her allowing this as well. She is scared of saying no to people because she feels they won't like her if she does💔 I dunno what to do😞

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 31/03/2025 10:12

MellowCritic · 31/03/2025 07:29

Wow never seen such a bandwagon response in all my time here. Yes op shouldn't enable. I also don't understand why op even mentioned it to ppl that she has access to her aunts home. Me personally wouldn't mention stuff like that for this exact reason of any inappropriate persons asking for access too. But to all the posters coming on here acting like they all so tough and blaming op, I'd say more then likely you've all enabled or turned a blind eye to someone in your whole lives because sometimes it's easier and we see it day in and day out.

Edited

Um no, I haven't let anybody walk all over me my whole life. It's worrying that you think that's normal.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 31/03/2025 10:11

Moonlightglow · 31/03/2025 10:09

It’s easy to say on here that you should have said something or pulled her up but it’s hard in a group situation.
CF are usually subtle so it’s only afterwards that you look back and see all the behaviour as a whole that you think wtf did I put up with all that. For all the posters on here saying say something, I haven’t seen anyone call out CF in person and I unfortunately know a couple. They’ve been called out over text and ditched by a few people but no ones said anything to their face, and that’s always their defence for their blatantly cheeky ways.

I agree with this too

Moonlightglow · 31/03/2025 10:09

It’s easy to say on here that you should have said something or pulled her up but it’s hard in a group situation.
CF are usually subtle so it’s only afterwards that you look back and see all the behaviour as a whole that you think wtf did I put up with all that. For all the posters on here saying say something, I haven’t seen anyone call out CF in person and I unfortunately know a couple. They’ve been called out over text and ditched by a few people but no ones said anything to their face, and that’s always their defence for their blatantly cheeky ways.

BlondeMummyto1 · 31/03/2025 10:07

I think contributions should have been discussed before you went. It’s a bit unfair to spring it on everyone after the trip.

DancingFerret · 31/03/2025 10:07

It's hard to understand why the trip ever happened, or why you tolerated such entitled and rude behaviour at your aunt's house. Please say she's no longer a friend, if indeed she ever really was. Life's too short to be around people like that.

Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 10:02

The master room wasn't a big deal - All the rooms are nice, it was more amusing that of course she picked the biggest ie best one. I know actually the toilet is a bit noisy, and other rooms have nicer views, easier to get to etc. But she had to have that one. As the kids would say, she's got main character syndrome.

My aunt honestly welcomes everyone. My cousin has some questionable friends and this woman loves it. She thought the CF was a hoot, and laughed off her complaints - in retrospect I think she may have thought she was joking!

OP posts:
MichaelandKirk · 31/03/2025 09:54

sorry, but quite honestly this is on you. CF's get away with this because people let them. If you called them out on any of the things they did likely the tears would start and the claims of no money, having a hard time etc.

moveoveralice · 31/03/2025 09:50

YABU to allow it to get this far. You knew exactly what she was like but went passively along with her undiluted cheek and audacity.

I often question many of these CF posts because they all seem so unbelievable to me, that grown ups actually let the cheap behaviour of others slide to the point they are holidaying at an aunt's holidaying home - and nabbing the master room. Her freeloading feet wouldn't have touched floor if she tried this shit with me.

Obviously you know YANBU regarding the gift, but honestly, wisen up and stop being walked over. Get your aunt the nice gift and tell CF where to go, and mean it. It is outrageous that you all put up with any of it.

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 31/03/2025 09:50

ArtyFartyHippopotamus · 31/03/2025 08:54

Just say “No” in future. She is not your friend, she is a manipulator and you just enabled her behaviour.

Exactly this. This is a lesson you should learn, give CF's an inch, and they'll take a mile.

LivelyMintViper · 31/03/2025 09:47

Next time say no . And tell her why.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 31/03/2025 09:47

OP I have to agree with PPs. Did you really take her on a weekend away knowing she was like this? You agreed to ride there with her stuff on your lap?? You let her have the biggest room? Are you scared of this woman?

Chezxx · 31/03/2025 09:42

How disrespectful of you to bring such a clearly awful person to your Aunt's home.
Why would anyone do that.

Self respect prevents decent people from associating with such people, much less then inflicting them on their kind family members.

Take a good look at yourself I would suggest.

CellophaneFlower · 31/03/2025 09:38

I honestly thought it would be hard to get a date we could all do, and then chance of house being available on that date was also low. So it probably wouldn't happen.

I mean obviously nobody mentions that their Aunt has a beautiful holiday home that they're happy to rent out for free to randoms in the first place, but if you've done this, surely at this point you just say it's booked up when dates are mentioned?

I'm struggling to believe this is real, as there were so many ways you could have backtracked here. The master room you'd have just claimed as yours as that's where you've stayed previously, no pulling straws or anything.

If this IS real then I find your behaviour more bizarre than hers.

GoneGirl12345 · 31/03/2025 09:34

ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/03/2025 01:33

YABU if you didn’t actually open your mouth and say something while all this was happening.

The passivity of some posters is almost worse than the CFery they are willing to tolerate. FFS!

This

BrokenLine · 31/03/2025 09:32

Hobnobswantshernameback · 31/03/2025 08:53

I find wet lettuces just as annoying as CFers and equally culpable

Yes, exactly this. WLs need to take some responsibility for enabling the dynamic.

nomas · 31/03/2025 09:32

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/03/2025 09:31

Ah, I see. So the real problem is that everyone else let her talk them into taking the car? I think that's where it all started then, because everyone else should have just said 'well, we're taking the coach, sort yourself out.' Unless they all decided that taking the car and splitting the petrol actually WAS more cost effective...

Show quote history

Agreed it sounds like everyone should have been firm with her. At least they now all know she is a CF extraordinaire.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/03/2025 09:31

nomas · 31/03/2025 09:27

The CF didn’t want to pay for coach tickets so harangued one of the other women to drive them all in her car, as presumably splitting petrol is cheaper than coach tickets. CF was never expected to take coach on her own.

On the day of the trip, when CF’s bags didn’t fit in the friend’s car, she suggested some of the friends get out and travel by coach so the driving friend could drive CF and her bags to the holiday home.

Show quote history

Ah, I see. So the real problem is that everyone else let her talk them into taking the car? I think that's where it all started then, because everyone else should have just said 'well, we're taking the coach, sort yourself out.' Unless they all decided that taking the car and splitting the petrol actually WAS more cost effective...

BlondeMummyto1 · 31/03/2025 09:30

More fool all of you for accepting it. They are allowed to behave that way because you all play along.

nomas · 31/03/2025 09:27

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/03/2025 09:14

I'm not understanding the bit about the coach... were the rest of you going to drive and she was expected to take the coach? In which case that's a bit odd, or were you all going to take the coach and she insisted that you go by car so she could take all her stuff? Which is where someone just plain refuses and you either all go by coach or nobody goes. Or did she offer to drive?

Because travel is usually where you put your foot down first of all. If someone 'won't' travel the way the rest of you are going then that's on them. They either find their own way or don't go. If the rest of you are driving and expecting her to take the coach alone, then that's a bit mean. If she drove - well, that's her contribution.

But she does sound like one of those 'steamroller' people who just say 'right, I'm doing this' and everyone gazes at everyone else in amazement and says 'right, okay...' It would be doing this person a kindness, to be honest, if people stood up to her more and said 'no,'

The CF didn’t want to pay for coach tickets so harangued one of the other women to drive them all in her car, as presumably splitting petrol is cheaper than coach tickets. CF was never expected to take coach on her own.

On the day of the trip, when CF’s bags didn’t fit in the friend’s car, she suggested some of the friends get out and travel by coach so the driving friend could drive CF and her bags to the holiday home.

FamilyPhoto · 31/03/2025 09:22

You have to be very firm with CF's .
We had a holiday property that we rented out - and I had a sort of friend who was down on her luck.
She asked me straight out if she could go to my HH for free - I spoke to DH and as she had young ish kids who had never been abroad we decided that she could.
She was very happy until I let her know that the aircon took a credit on a card thst she could refil at the shop nearby.
€10 would be more than enough for the 5 days she was planning on staying.

She was deeply upset and started slagging me off to anyone who would listen. We would usually charge €350 for the same Mon- Fri. !