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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a CF one

189 replies

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 01:02

Back from a slightly tense weekend away and good to get opinions on my reasonability puls share some CFery!

Group of 4 friends from a sports hobby (long stopped), who meet every month or so for a wine. Friend (the CF) has always come across as a bit tight, eg would never buy someone else a drink but happy to accept offer of one, that kind of thing.

Anyway, my aunt has a holiday house. Ive visited lots with family, it's beautiful and my aunt has always said we can come whenever (assuming no one else is there). Ever since hearing this, CF has banged on about wanting to visit. I was deliberately 'oh maybe' as wasn't sure id enjoy a weekend trip with them. However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

The CFery included:

  • refusing to get great value coach and instead pursuing non CF friend to drive us,
  • bringing literal car full of clothes/shoes/home comforts (hence refusung coach as wouldn't be able to carry it to station) meaning rest of us had journey with bags (including hers) on our laps (and suggesting we get out and get last minute ££ coach tickets instead))
  • claiming the master suite and then moaning next day (to my Aunt who'd popped in briefly to check we were ok!!) about how terrible the bed was, how noisy the ensuite toilet was etc...
  • not coming on (free) trips my Aunt had arranged as wanted 'me time'
  • bringing sandwiches to lovely pub as didn't want to pay for pub food
  • generally just bring PITA - too hot, too cold, hungry, bored etc.

Theres loads of other things but these are just the ones from top of head.

However, reason for this post is I'd asked group if they were ok to contribute to a thank you gift for my aunt. Now, Aunt is wealthy, she absolutely could charge us to stay, but doesnt. Previously we've bought a big bunch of flowers, or houseplant, fruit basket etc - a token of our thanks but still something my Aunt would find a treat.

I'd estimate the cost to rent the house for 2 nights would be £600+

CF said happy to contribute £5.

I honestly thought, you tight cow. Aibu?!

And yes, everyone's financial situation is different but don't invite yourself to someone's house if you're not prepared to contribute properly to the costs when there! Plus regularly away on mini breaks and overseas holidays so not completely skint.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willowthewhip · 01/04/2025 08:42

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 18:39

I meant it can be really annoying when people can’t say no because they let others down. The OP said yes to this holiday then complains her friend asked. Just say no and don’t feel resentment

Show quote history

I've had reservations about plenty of other things but then they've turned out great. In fairness, I wouldn't have posted on here had she behaved like a normal person. I wouldn't have even posted about the CF alone, the measly thank you gift was the issue.

OP posts:
ConnieHeart · 01/04/2025 08:14

HelloVeraPlant · 31/03/2025 18:39

I have a friend like this. She will take all the freebies she can get. And every week she will call me and complain about splashing the cash at whatever Lidl event is on and spending hundreds on deals that she’s walked past.

Years ago I ordered a pizza for my DD. She said she wasn’t hungry. As soon as the pizza came she ate 3/4 of it! I was so mad at her I told her off - and she thinks I don’t like sharing! There is nothing wrong with sharing but she is known in my friendship group for just being cheap - has fallen out with half of us as we can’t take her anywhere. She will buy a starter when everyone is having a full course. She won’t pay for drinks but will get a drink when a round is being offered. She will come to experiences but won’t pay to join in, she’ll stand and chat to us but won’t take part (for example bowling or mini goals). It’s so awkward!!!

We don’t invite her anywhere. Then she complains that she never gets invited!

I think these characters are oblivious to their own behaviour.

Abd what did you say to her about eating your dd's pizza?

sofaofchange · 31/03/2025 19:46

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:38

There was plenty of standing up to her. She had to leave a couple of bags at home so we'd all fit in car. She wanted to visit a outlet store on way down, we said no. She wanted us to pick her up her specialist coffee, we said you can get it yourself, didn't want to go for pub lunch but we did etc. Especially as weekend progressed and everyone realised how rude she was.

Hmmmm, not really. You had to sit in a car journey with her luggage on your laps, you haven't called her out for her miserly "thank you" to your aunt and you apparently said nothing to her about grabbing the big bedroom. I'd hardly call that "standing up to her", it sounds like she's used you all as her doormat to walk all over for the entire trip.

Proper "standing up" to her would be you having a civil but very firm chat with her now about all the things you are secretly resentful about instead of telling us. But you arent going to do that, so no, you havent "stood up" to her.

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 18:39

B1anche · 31/03/2025 18:24

WTF? Where did this come from?

Show quote history

I meant it can be really annoying when people can’t say no because they let others down. The OP said yes to this holiday then complains her friend asked. Just say no and don’t feel resentment

HelloVeraPlant · 31/03/2025 18:39

I have a friend like this. She will take all the freebies she can get. And every week she will call me and complain about splashing the cash at whatever Lidl event is on and spending hundreds on deals that she’s walked past.

Years ago I ordered a pizza for my DD. She said she wasn’t hungry. As soon as the pizza came she ate 3/4 of it! I was so mad at her I told her off - and she thinks I don’t like sharing! There is nothing wrong with sharing but she is known in my friendship group for just being cheap - has fallen out with half of us as we can’t take her anywhere. She will buy a starter when everyone is having a full course. She won’t pay for drinks but will get a drink when a round is being offered. She will come to experiences but won’t pay to join in, she’ll stand and chat to us but won’t take part (for example bowling or mini goals). It’s so awkward!!!

We don’t invite her anywhere. Then she complains that she never gets invited!

I think these characters are oblivious to their own behaviour.

savethatkitty · 31/03/2025 18:34

I can't believe no-one has called her out. She's behaving this way because she CAN. Pull her up!

B1anche · 31/03/2025 18:24

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 15:58

I bet you're one of those annoying people who says yes to an activity or meeting up with friends when you don't actually want to then comes up with a crap excuse last minute not to go. Just say you don't want to go!

WTF? Where did this come from?

Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 17:51

I enjoy going there, I had reservations about going there with her but when she suggested it when our friend was having a shit time, id warmed to the idea. I can see how my lets look into it could be taken as a yes, and so saying id invited them all wasn't completely made up, was more a manipulation of the truth. And now I see that manipulation is her middle name, rather than a one off because she's so excited to visit that part of the world!

OP posts:
CellophaneFlower · 31/03/2025 17:32

The coach/lift debacle was the first time it occured to me she had CF potential.

Really? Despite you saying they badgered you into going there and lied and told the rest of the group they were all invited "as is the way with CFs"?

Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 17:31

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 15:58

I bet you're one of those annoying people who says yes to an activity or meeting up with friends when you don't actually want to then comes up with a crap excuse last minute not to go. Just say you don't want to go!

Based on what? I'm actually almost the opposite - will wait until I know I can definitely do something before saying yes, specifically so I don't then drop out. Just as annoying probably, but drop outs are up there with CFs in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 17:26

I would definitely avoid confrontation, but making me out to be an utter melt on the back of 1 x CF encounter is a bit of a stretch. All the stuff re inviting herself, taking biggest room etc were to make the point that she wasn't there under duress, she really wanted to come/ was driving force and didn't get the short straw with rooms etc that might taint her view on appropriate gift.

The coach/lift debacle was the first time it occured to me she had CF potential. Until then, thought she was a bit tight but no other signs of CF. By the time I realised, we were literally on the road! Personality transplant would be an exaggeration but it became very clear on that car journey that CF was the main event!

The 2 non CFers are lovely and I'm not sure what they made of her (I'm doing my bitching here, not to them). They definitely stood up to her too, and one is the utter opposite of a WL, a professional antagoniser who runs towards confrontation at any opportunity. But even she was changing plans to fit with CF, sat in back under a pile of bags, extracting info from receipts to ensure CF didn't pay a penny for anyone else... Whether they had words in private I'm not sure, it's possible.

OP posts:
Carriemac · 31/03/2025 16:46

Gloriia · 31/03/2025 11:48

She does sound a pita but as others have said you just need to be more assertiveness and stop letting her rule the roost.

If you'd expected £50 pp for a hamper and flowers for your Aunt you should have said so pre trip. If I'd stayed in a well off aunt's holiday home I'd have thought flowers from all for £40 total would have sufficed.

really? cleaning a holiday home - minimum £100 plus laundry, heat and light when you’re there , plus the loss of rental income if she could have let it out otherwise and you’d contribute £10???

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 15:58

I bet you're one of those annoying people who says yes to an activity or meeting up with friends when you don't actually want to then comes up with a crap excuse last minute not to go. Just say you don't want to go!

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 15:51

femfemlicious · 31/03/2025 10:14

I'm really worried about my daughter. I see her allowing this as well. She is scared of saying no to people because she feels they won't like her if she does💔 I dunno what to do😞

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Get her to read the book 'The Body Says No'. It changed my life and now I say no. As Gabor Mate says 'if you have to chose between guilt and resentment, chose guilt as resentment will eat your soul'.

The best thing you can do in life is learn to live with that guilty voice saying you should have done X,Y and Z because someone asked you to.

Ilady · 31/03/2025 14:42

I would not have left your CF friend stay in your aunt's house. You knew she had form before this of being a CF.

I know a lady who lives in a popular city and she has a spare room. She has often let friends and family stay over. One time a relative asked could they stay for 3 nights during the summer and hotel prices were high in the area then.
This person arrived with their partner, cooked all there meals there and stayed in every night. When they left they never gave her anything for their stay.
The next time the same relative rang looking for another stay unfortunately the lady I knew said she was away. The truth was she was going to be there but decided she was not going to be used by the CF again.

I have friends and at times we have all been a bit skint due to various things. Even then we go on cheap days or for cheap meals out. We say to each other can we go away next week or month instead when we have a lot of expenses at time's. We just don't expect our friends to pay for meals out ect.

A CF will always be like this and will never spend money if they can get another mug to pay for thing's. Imagine staying for free in a nice place and then doing all the things she did. Imagine thinking that £5 was enough to pay towards a gift for your aunt who let you, her and a few other friends stay free in her holiday home that probably rents for £200 per night plus.
To be honest I have a few words with cf and tell her that she needs to start paying her way because soon she will have no friends left.

Notsosure1 · 31/03/2025 14:12

jeaux90 · 31/03/2025 06:42

So absolutely none of you said anything to the CF when you were made to put your bags on your laps, she claimed the en-suite, whined about everything including to your relative, took sarnies to the pub and now won’t contribute. Nothing was said?

I thought it was the CF’s bags they had on their laps - even worse! 🤦🏼‍♀️

ScribblingPixie · 31/03/2025 13:42

I think you were being unreasonable to allow your CF friend to stay in your lovely aunt's house and abuse her hospitality.

Shegotanology · 31/03/2025 13:40

Is there anything you like about her? If not, why is she your friend?

Projectme · 31/03/2025 13:33

So I think the general consensus is that no, YANBU to think that the offering of £5 towards a thank you gift is ridiculous and that yes, you should go back and say that given she had a free weekend, £5 won't cut it.

You were totally unreasonable to allow this CF to get away with all that shit. Not the point that you knew the en suite toilet to the master bedroom was noisy or views were better from other rooms, it should never have got to the point where CF decided where she was going to sleep! Glad to hear you did say 'no' to some of her requests but even so, the level of entitlement from this CF needs to be highlighted to her so that there is no repeat performance.

Personally, I'd be giving her a wide berth for a long time!

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 31/03/2025 13:24

Live and learn... she doesn't get to come on trips anymore.

Get your aunt a hamper.

TidyBeaker · 31/03/2025 13:10

Collective YABU for letting this escalate to this point, however uncomfortable confrontation is.

YANBU regarding the amount for the thankyou gift. It does not take a genius to work out that cleaning costs,etc would be footed at your aunt's expense even if the 'stay' was covered - even before considering her kindness in organising trips. But you can't force anything like this so at some point it's just about calling the CF a CF and then just pulling back from this person.
Suggest:
The weekend wasn't offered with any conditions, but given everything she did for us, covering cleaning costs, hosting us for free, and putting in so much effort to arrange activities, I think a fiver feels pretty out of touch. I'll leave it there for everyone to send over what they consider a respectful gesture in the circumstances.

2025willbemytime · 31/03/2025 12:53

It's your own fault for giving in. But £5 is a piss take, though no surprise.

mumuseli · 31/03/2025 12:47

I agree with others that the CF was terrible and showed herself up! Regarding the money contribution though.... I can actually imagine myself offering a fiver to something like this if I thought it was just for a bunch of flowers to say thanks (ie £20 between 4 of you would get a nice big bunch)... hope I'm not a CF! But if it was then pointed out to me that the aunt would actually be out of pocket from us staying there, ie for the cleaning bill - rather than it just being her letting us use her holiday home that would've been empty anyway.... then of course yes I would then agree that we all needed to contribute more.
So my point is that you ought to make this clear as the reason why more needs to be contributed!
Good luck... your CF friend sounds very thick skinned!

starfishmummy · 31/03/2025 12:26

You need to say something!!

And when she hints or asks about going again, (because she will), you need to tell her that she is not welcome!

Velmy · 31/03/2025 12:26

This thread is unreal. I can't find sympathy for people who actively let others walk all over them like this.