Cheap engagement ring. AIBU

You’re not ‘high maintenance’ and you ARE off the market.

Otherwise you wouldn’t have been living with him for years and had two kids before there was a marriage certificate in your hands.

The priority now should be to provide security for yourself and your family, not obsessing over whether he went down on one knee in the style of a Victorian suitor and whether your ring was expensive enough (it was).

He might be but she isn't.

You're already low effort, you set your stall out before getting married. You had children and lived together before marriage so he already knows what he's getting. Why get married to you?

If you really valued yourself then you'd have waited to get married before doing all that. You're looking at it upside down and backwards, you've got your priorities wrong.

I don’t know about anyone else but I think £379 is a decent amount to spend on an engagement ring?

Yup.

There was no emotional moment of getting down on one knee or anything like that. I believe every lady deserves that sort of effort from the man she’d be spending the rest of her life with. Anyways months later he ended up asking me to marry him when I was feeling icky, sat on my sofa with greasy hair and on my period. The kids were in the room. It wasn’t Romantic at all.

Oh God, grow up.

Why did you have children before marriage as you've put yourself in a very vulnerable position. Forget the price of the ring, that's irrelevant to the difficulty situation you'd be in if carry on being difficult. He could decide to walk out and leave you because you're being a materialistic cf who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

From his pov though, he's probably thinking, why's this suddenly an issue?

I think statistically in the uk around 2/3 of mothers got married before having kids. For me personally it was a priority that I wouldn't have kids without the legal protection of marriage.

It wasn't a priority for you then, so why now?

Is the proposal a red herring and this is more about feeling a lack of glamour in your life, because I can relate to that, and your dp would probably understand that if you explained it clearly

I get it, op. I've been married over a decade but always felt my engagement ring was tiny and with white gold needed recoating often. I upgraded my rings to platinum last year and finally love them! Or course the marriage is the most important part but rings matter as well. You are going to look at them everyday after all x

Every woman deserves a decent quality ring in my opinion if the man wants to be the one to take her off the market

I reckon he took you off the market when you had two kids together, surely?

I think this is a communication issue. You're asking for a romantic gesture, and he feels he did do that. But what you want, I think, is glamour rather than romance. You'd like to be proposed to somewhere more photogenic. So tell him.

Lots of people wouldn't want that, so you have to tell him clearly want you want. "Really, you're doingthis now?" Is not clear. "I don't want to do this now as my hair is unwashed and I don't feel glamorous": much clearer

A marriage isn’t about a ring.

Well you are the low effort one. Why does he have to marry you? Let’s be real. Are you going to walk away if he does not propose? I bet you are still staying if he doesn’t do a thing. If this is a business transaction and he’s a boss, then you are a volunteer. Why pay for staff if he can get a volunteer to do the job.

I don’t get you at all. If you want to be married, just get married. What’s with the hung up with the gesture? You have been together for 10 years and two kids. He doesn’t sound like a big gesture kind of person. It does not sound like you want to marry him at you. If it’s a reverse, I would say you aren’t that into him. You are finding excuse not to get married.

The price of the ring is unimportant. However, I do understand you wanting him to make some effort. Had you ever discussed how you want to be proposed to?

I've been married to a wonderful man for 22 years now. We got married after having been together for 5 years in our late 20s. He definitely didn't get down on his knee to propose! In fact I don't even remember how he proposed. Most likely we talked about getting married casually and then started planning the wedding. No candlelight dinner, not even an engagement ring! We picked out our beautiful wedding rings together. Unfortunately I haven't been able to wear it since I started gaining weight in my preganancies which I still haven't lost almost 20 years later.
Despite the unromantic proposal and lack of ring we have built a great life together: 3 lovely teenage kids, a beautiful home and we are still in love with each other. He's just the best husband, father and person!
So, I'd say there are more important things to a marriage, a family and a life together than a cheap ring or an unmemorable proposal. Concentrate on being happy with each other and with your children! Good luck to you!

This romance stuff is part of the game that’s long over for you. You’re already committed more than someone with a big ring and a video and story of your engagement.

You have a different ‘love language’ though so are set up for a lifetime of disappointment if gestures are important. You need to spell it out that you will always want the romance. The anniversary remembered. The Valentine cards and gifts.

I thought the same. £379 is not all that cheap, surely. You've lived together and have children for goodness sakes. I dread to think what you intend to spend on your wedding. Get real.

Marriage is just a gesture anyway once there are children in the mix.

The time for romantic proposals and expensive engagement rings is before you have children.

Once you have a child the moment has passed and marriage is just a business decision.

Having a child is a far greater commitment than a wedding.

As for the price of the ring, how much exactly do you think he should have spent?

How much did you spend on a present for him to mark the engagement?

After all, should it only be the man who shells out a month’s salary for a ring while the woman just sits back and laps it up for the insta likes and the “what a lovely ring” gasps?

You mean like you've been for 10 years? How are your current "high maintenance" tactics working out for you?

You’ve already accepted these “low efforts”.

You’ve got two children together!

It's your engagement ring that you'll have forever and you should want to be proud of it! I don't think the cost should be the factor, but you should love it. And it sounds like zero effort into the proposal too. I don't blame your for being disappointed. Most of the women on here make out like they'd be happy with a polished dog turd and you should be grateful, f that.

But you know him and he's never going to do that. Why expect it?

I agree with this too. He asked you when you were low and icky - not in the moonlight and dressed up to the nines and that is more romantic

I get you are disappointed but you’ve been together 10 years and have two children.

I’m trying to be empathetic here but the engagement ring, fancy proposal etc that’s not reality and it’s not real life and someone can do those things and be a rubbish partner and Dad.

From the start it sounds like you wanted the ‘big romance and love’ etc. Proposal aside is he a good partner and father?

My husband proposed in the most unromantic way. My son asked him when he was marrying his Mum (not his child), and he said ‘I’d marry her tomorrow if she said she wanted to’. No huge proposal, he asked me to marry him after a really bad day at work when I didn’t feel good whilst I was in the bath. We talked about rings etc and then didn’t look and my views were unless it was really important to me I didn’t want it. I had the huge engagement ring with my ex and he wasn’t great.

I don’t have a great opinion of huge companies like deBeers etc as they artificially keep the market high and the exploitation and mining issues.

My husband is the loveliest man. He makes me tea, he snuggles me, he does most of the housework and looks after me and us and literally would do anything for me. I haven’t got an engagement ring just a wedding band. Even then we looked at platinum bands and his was quoted at 2.3 K (he has big hands!) and instead both mine and mine we chose both together and then were under £500 together in shop but we both loved the colour and metal. My wedding dress was £75 and our wedding £500.

Does yours look after you if you were sick? Does he pull his weight as an equal partner etc

That is more important.

After 10 years and two children if you want to be married do it - go and do the legal bit we did the cheapest wedding ever. We wanted to put our money into the house, our lives etc