Cheap engagement ring. AIBU

My ring cost £60 30 yrs ago. No helicopter ride, Eiffel tower or beach walk here - just a question. Still married. Ring needed mending so I bought a vintage one for £120, as there are so many other things we could spend money on, and I like dainty rings. Yes, I'd like an eternity ring, but not going to sulk over it.

DH didn't really propose and I bought the engagement ring. We've been married for 37 years this year.

YANBU. I would be very disappointed in that lacklustre proposal and cheap rings.

Just wanted to say you're not being unreasonable at all- some of the responses have been less than kind. You wanted thought and effort put into the ring and proposal which is completely understandable and reasonable no matter how long you've been together and regardless of having children. You still deserve that. I think people are missing the point that you wanted a thoughtful, nice ring to your taste rather than the first one he came across and he is able to afford something abit nicer. I hope he is able to understand how you feel and give you a do over

Tbh its giving me the ick that you've basically asked him to propose, when you were already engaged. And now you aren't happy hes "only" spent 379 on a ring. Looking up the value of gifts is tacky. What do you do to show him you love him? What gifts have you bought him for 400quid?

Did you prefer the previous ring and if so why not just use that one?

No a ring doesn't have to last a life time your love and respect has to last a life time marriage is hard its not all fairytales and cinderella shit it's some really tough times and some heartbreaking times with special times thrown in. It's going to bed knowing that the person lying next to you would give there life for yours and you there's. To be honest he sounds like a good guy not all men are built the same and they arnt all Gerrard butler unfortunately and romantic. Your not seeing that he still thought of you when he brought it and was probably thinking he'd done good now all you've done is lower his self-confidence if he's a good dad a good partner then your luckier than most be greatful 🙄

All very fair op, not sure why you're getting a hard time. You're having a tiny wedding and he can afford it. Other posters spend money in trips, handbags etc, so I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time.

The first ring on the first page does have a whiff of "that'll do " about it.....

Just curious. Why does the value and size of a ring mean so much to you?

My DH proposed to me with what you'd consider a "cheap" ring. We had very little at the time and I told him not to spend much, because we'd had the marriage conversation.

I didn't want to start married life with him having spent money that's hard earned and even harder saved, when that could be put towards our life.

These days, my man does well for himself, to use your (slightly cringe) phrase. So do I. I still would have told him to not spend thousands, because building our life together is what matters, not how much the sparkly thing on my finger cost.

I also noted you said you wouldn't want to be a "low effort woman" and you'd rather be high maintenance. Do you know what that actually means? I'm "low effort" because I genuinely couldn't care less about jewellery, designer bags, make up, fancy restaurants, etc. But I won't stand for being treated poorly, which means thoughtlessness, having to do all the mental load, all the housework, etc. I'm low effort because we're a team. He doesn't have to put in the love, thought etc AND worry about spending all our savings keeping me happy. He just has to give me his time.

If you love him and really want to marry him, then I'm not sure what your issue is. My late DH just said one day, 'Maybe we should get married.' It was a lovely moment because it was spontaneous and real. I never got an engagement ring - we were broke. We were together for 40 years and we were very happy. It's not how he proposes that's important, or the price of the ring - it's if he really wants it, and if you really want it that counts. If that's the case, be glad you're together now. One day, you won't be.

I suspect part of the problem is the op’s partner doesn’t view it as a ‘once in a lifetime thing’, because they've done it before. The op said herself, she was happy with things then. It’s age / maturity which has changed how she viewed that proposal.

The op broke that engagement, and they’ve since worked to get the relationship to a better place. I wonder if the op’s partner views getting engaged this time as more of a formality. It brings the relationship back to where it was.

I only know of two couples who went on to get married after breaking off their original enhancement. One just started wearing their ring again, I presume after a conversation between them. The other sent wedding invitations, but there was no talk of an engagement first.

I don’t actually think there’s a right or wrong here.

My engagement ring was under £300. My husband couldn’t figure out how to do one knee so went on both and fumbled the box. Then we had a takeaway.

Marriage is not about the ring, the proposal, the wedding, or the honeymoon. It’s cementing a long term relationship. It’s providing legal stability. It’s about THE PERSON.

”Boohoo my ring is ONLY £379 (I looked it up because I’m materialistic) and I didn’t get the proposal I wanted”.

Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? Because it is.

But I agree with you - one occasion isn't the measure of a person and I'm sure he's a good partner and wonderful dad in lots of other ways. Just felt people were being unduly harsh on Op for being upset - it's a once in a lifetime thing and it's only natural to feel underwhelmed if expectation didn't meet reality.

It doesn't have to be social-media worthy, just considered and thoughtful. That is part of someone's behaviour, in my book.

Sorry, post sent multiple times

Sorry, post sent multiple times

It sounds you have a very specific idea about proposal and engagement ring, which are mostly based on media and kind of fairy tale.

It isn't wrong to have such a wish, but it isn't the only way possible and it isn't the ultimate proof of value he sees in you/your relationship.
Many people marrying after children don't do grandiose gestures and kneeling, but just agree on getting married.

Now you are upset that he didn't guess your wish.
It sometimes happen. What would you like to happen now?
Could you tell him you would like to celebrate it together, and suggest you would really like if he could plan... whatever is nice and realistic for you, be it a proper date night with dinner and dressing up for this occasion or nice clothes and a favourite wine at home.

Exactly- in many cases the marriage is a legal formality and the couple have already committed/proved their love to each other. You'd already agreed to marry each other before and that didn't pan out; are you sure he actually wants to get married this time?

I agree “the bar is on the floor” for a lot of the behaviour that women put up with from men. However, a social media-worthy proposal and bling ring isn’t a measure of whether he’s a good man. If he treats her with kindness, consideration and respect, is a good dad to their kids and works together as a partner in their team then that’s what matters. An ‘ ‘inadequate’ proposal is not a “scrap of attention”. The bar should be high for behaviour, not for how grand a proposal is.

First of all, just because you’ve been together 10,15 or 20 years doesn’t mean you deserve a low effort engagement.

You wanted him to show you a bit of effort, he decided to propose whilst you was on the sofa feeling unwell on your period. I’m surprised you said yes but I guess in the moment you probably didn’t want to say no. I would personally not expect anything grand but a bit of effort, my DH proposed on the beach on holiday away from everyone else.

He didn’t listen to you - and almost acted like he just wanted to get it out of the way (sorry) you are allowed to be upset.

I am guessing he isn’t the most thoughtful person? What’s he like on anniversaries and birthdays?

With the cost of the ring… I think it’s relative to how much someone earns / has spare. If someone only has £50 to put aside each month then I think £399 is quite a lot. I was quite honest with my DH and said I didn’t want something that would cost thousands of pounds as I have a habit of losing jewellery. Mine cost around £550. I thought that was a lot.

If he earns a lot of money and £399 is nothing to him then maybe I can see why you’re upset.

Yes, that sounds rather like settling.

Unless of course you're not actually bothered for getting married, which tbh I'm still not sure if OP actually is?

I don't see anything romantic in a woman hanging around for a decade waiting for her partner to decide whether to get married or not because for some reason she can't or won't decide. I don't see anything romantic in women being passive spectators in their own lives, waiting for men to make the important decisions, judging their own worth by how much a man does or doesn't spend on a piece of jewellery for them.

Sounds romantic. Just because some people are happy to settle for that, doesn't mean OP should.

What silly juvenile sarcasm. Yawn. She's the one who appears desperate to get married and he doesn't, so yeah, why doesn't she just ask him? Just a 'hey, why don't we get married soon' instead of all this silly fuss about rings and how much they cost.