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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

215 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:01

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:59

Redspottyfrog · 30/03/2025 22:51

Come on if she is the type of person to hold a grudge at a 2 year old then I am betting she jumped in before the op had time to react. What sort of person holds a grudge against a 2 year old

So she used ti be a teacher of bigger kids like 6-8 years old. And compared with her baby maybe as my toddler can talk a bit she expects him to have the same behaviour as the ones ahead taught?

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Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:58

@IPM no I don't really shout at him expect if he tried to do something very dangerous like try to grab something hot or run toward a road i would shout no or stop as i grabbed him.
What I mean was Months and months ago when he started throwing food he didn't want I tried the whole 'no! Mummy is sad' but it was more stern than the really big telling off shout that my friend did, and that escalated him rather than making him
Comply (hard to translate my friends shouting to text but it was a big outburst, but also intentional as she said the same to him again a few mins later in same tone - it was her chosen behaviour management strategy rather than her losing control)

OP posts:
Opine · 30/03/2025 22:56

I have friends that I would never see with my children or theirs. We have very different ideas about parenting so it would all end in tears.
I do think that you were wrong to allow someone to shout at your toddler. Even if you were being flakey and she felt it was warranted you should have defended him.

Allswellthatendswelll · 30/03/2025 22:54

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:52

@Fragmentedbrain possibly in comparison to her quiet crawling baby it looked like that to her. I felt I was actually totally helicopter mum the whole time stopping him touching anything at all as I know they are so tidy and house proud and haven't toddler proofed (their baby is just crawling)

I think it's the way she was talking to him like he was a 5-6 year old level of understanding too, when he doesn't actually understand any. Of the complex language she was using

Honestly it sounds like you need to put the friendship on the backburner for a bit. Maybe they will chill out a bit more when their baby is the same age.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:54

stayathomer · 30/03/2025 22:51

Was the baby in the room? Could the cup have bounced and hit the baby? Either that or she could be sleep deprived because she has a baby?

Plastic cup towards wall and no baby was already in bed and is a good sleeper (and she had a great and helpful husband who gets up at 6am with baby while she sleeps till 7.30/8!)

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Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2025 22:54

I have never shouted at my children. I have been firm, I have raised my voice and little, butcI have never shouted in 9 years of being a parent.

I would be furious if anyone shouted at my children. I would probably have left. Noone deals with my children when I am there, that negates me as a parent. I would never step in if it were other children, unless the parents were refusing deal with it. But they should be given their place.

But no one is allowed to shout at my children. If my parents, ir even dp did, I would be v film about it being unacceptable.

My children are not brats by the way.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:53

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:49

To be honest if he doesn't get his malicious side in check people will do worse than shout at him down the line
I know I know he's only two but all the better to embed reactions while the stakes remain low

Yup I mean I did kind of go with us as it's her house her rules and he does need to know that people will have reactions

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:52

@Fragmentedbrain possibly in comparison to her quiet crawling baby it looked like that to her. I felt I was actually totally helicopter mum the whole time stopping him touching anything at all as I know they are so tidy and house proud and haven't toddler proofed (their baby is just crawling)

I think it's the way she was talking to him like he was a 5-6 year old level of understanding too, when he doesn't actually understand any. Of the complex language she was using

OP posts:
Redspottyfrog · 30/03/2025 22:51

Come on if she is the type of person to hold a grudge at a 2 year old then I am betting she jumped in before the op had time to react. What sort of person holds a grudge against a 2 year old

IPM · 30/03/2025 22:51

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:46

But also if shouting worked on him I might do it more often but it just tends to escalate, I'm more of a take things away, then teach what we should do instead later and praise practising the right thing (eg we've practiced putting food we don't want in the cup gap in his high chair tray rather than throwing it and he's got quite good at that now)
Any shouting or 'you made me sad'he usually feeds off and either laughs or tantrums more.

I guess rather than the pros and cons of shouting I'm wondering whether people would do this to another child. I'd be upset if my lovely house was intentionally damaged but I'd be more likely to say to the adult please can you stop him doing that over there than start shouting at the child himself

But also if shouting worked on him I might do it more often

So you do shout at your child sometimes?

She shouldn't have shouted at your toddler but I'm guessing it was a stressful visit, which is understandable with a 2 year old who doesn't live there and a mother who's still parenting a young baby.

stayathomer · 30/03/2025 22:51

Was the baby in the room? Could the cup have bounced and hit the baby? Either that or she could be sleep deprived because she has a baby?

Allswellthatendswelll · 30/03/2025 22:51

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:49

To be honest if he doesn't get his malicious side in check people will do worse than shout at him down the line
I know I know he's only two but all the better to embed reactions while the stakes remain low

Jesus Christ he is two. Malicious?!

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:50

Allswellthatendswelll · 30/03/2025 22:49

It really doesn't sound like it based on OPs responses.

Also friend is an adult, not a small child with limited impulse control. She should be able to control herself not to lose it with a child who isn't even her own.

Show quote history

Op sounds like she laboriously indulges him which I would find really annoying to be around(the mum in question presumably also has a short fuse from new baby exhaustion)

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:50

Scottishdreams1991 · 30/03/2025 22:45

It depends. Dd ran in front of a car when she was little ( 3ish) and the women started shouting at her ( she was in shock and upset at almost running down a small child) Dd never did it again. As I think both me and a stranger telling her off worked better then just me.

I think roads and danger is the main time that we SHOULD save shouts for to get them
To pay attention

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Allswellthatendswelll · 30/03/2025 22:49

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:46

Is it possible you were letting him run wild and this was the last straw for her?

It really doesn't sound like it based on OPs responses.

Also friend is an adult, not a small child with limited impulse control. She should be able to control herself not to lose it with a child who isn't even her own.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:49

Opine · 30/03/2025 22:45

I’ll tell anyone’s child off for hurting mine. At an age appropriate way of course but I’ve learnt over the years to never let it slide.
Only if the parent doesnt first.

If you didn’t say something then your friend was right to but her words were unsuitable for a two year old.

If you did tell him yourself and it was firm enough for the situation then she is an arsehole and you need to draw a line under that friendship.
Not all friends are right for the parenting years.

I wonder if she's thinking 'she should have shouted her boy was being really naughty and rude'

I don't think we'll get an invite back there while he's little but if we did I think I'd have to suggest just meeting up somewhere neutral it was too stressful for me the whole time worrying he might touch something he's not allowed to or move something etc

OP posts:
Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:49

To be honest if he doesn't get his malicious side in check people will do worse than shout at him down the line
I know I know he's only two but all the better to embed reactions while the stakes remain low

Opine · 30/03/2025 22:49

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:46

Is it possible you were letting him run wild and this was the last straw for her?

I considered this. I have a niece who is horrendously behaved. I’ve really never encountered such poor behaviour. Her parents do absolutely nothing about it unless they are told to and even then it’s very half hearted. It’s infuriating to watch.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:47

Sportacus17 · 30/03/2025 22:43

I have told other peoples children off quite firmly when they were standing by doing nothing about their children’s terrible behaviour… And I don’t really care what the parents think of me. However actually shouting at a two-year-old for throwing a cup of water against the wallseems unhinged

Yeah I've also said no pushing or no hitting or that's not safe type stuff sternly to children in the playground but not unhinged shouting

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:46

But also if shouting worked on him I might do it more often but it just tends to escalate, I'm more of a take things away, then teach what we should do instead later and praise practising the right thing (eg we've practiced putting food we don't want in the cup gap in his high chair tray rather than throwing it and he's got quite good at that now)
Any shouting or 'you made me sad'he usually feeds off and either laughs or tantrums more.

I guess rather than the pros and cons of shouting I'm wondering whether people would do this to another child. I'd be upset if my lovely house was intentionally damaged but I'd be more likely to say to the adult please can you stop him doing that over there than start shouting at the child himself

OP posts:
Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:46

Is it possible you were letting him run wild and this was the last straw for her?

Scottishdreams1991 · 30/03/2025 22:45

It depends. Dd ran in front of a car when she was little ( 3ish) and the women started shouting at her ( she was in shock and upset at almost running down a small child) Dd never did it again. As I think both me and a stranger telling her off worked better then just me.

Opine · 30/03/2025 22:45

I’ll tell anyone’s child off for hurting mine. At an age appropriate way of course but I’ve learnt over the years to never let it slide.
Only if the parent doesnt first.

If you didn’t say something then your friend was right to but her words were unsuitable for a two year old.

If you did tell him yourself and it was firm enough for the situation then she is an arsehole and you need to draw a line under that friendship.
Not all friends are right for the parenting years.

Sportacus17 · 30/03/2025 22:43

I have told other peoples children off quite firmly when they were standing by doing nothing about their children’s terrible behaviour… And I don’t really care what the parents think of me. However actually shouting at a two-year-old for throwing a cup of water against the wallseems unhinged

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:43

@Allswellthatendswelll yeah I didn't have time to do much!

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