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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

215 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:01

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:40

Viviennemary · 02/04/2025 06:58

Your child was naughty in somebody elses's house. And got told off. But it was your friends fault. This was quite a destructive and deliberate act.

,

That is sarcastic right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:39

Just to clarify as well, it was more of a im very upset and suddenly pushing everything in front of me off my tray (and the cup got thrown into the wall) rather than picking up a cup and aiming for the wall if that makes sense (those with toddlers will know!) to give a correct visual.
So while he was definitely tantruming her wall was more collateral damage than a deliberate victim
And it was water - I'm not a paint expect but don't think it will be lasting damage

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:36

@DonaldMacRonald I am the op! She didn't go on for 20 mins, she had the original shout and then 20 mins later when we were back in the same room she shouted and sulked at him again 'I'm not happy with you that was very naughty' etc - which seems even more bizarre as he would have forgotten what happened by then!

OP posts:
Superhansrantowindsor · 02/04/2025 07:02

She over reacted but if she’s a good friend and normally nice- perhaps she’s over tired with a baby - I’d forgive her.

Viviennemary · 02/04/2025 06:58

Your child was naughty in somebody elses's house. And got told off. But it was your friends fault. This was quite a destructive and deliberate act.

,

Toddlerteaplease · 02/04/2025 06:42

If it’s damaged the paint or wall paper, I would be very cross. So would have told him off.

DonaldMacRonald · 02/04/2025 06:35

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:54

But do you think 'telling off' and shouting and continuing with saying I'm not happy with you about twenty mins after it happens would work to 'teach' a just two year old?! A four year old maybe. I think just turn two year olds really only respond well to quick cause and effect - I did this, my things got taken away , I won't do that again if I like those things.

Show quote history

But the original post (nor subsequent posts as far as I can see) don't say she was going on shouting for 20 mins?

Magpie50 · 02/04/2025 02:41

I have shouted at other people's kids and will probably do so again! (There are some right little shits round this way!).

I wouldn't shout at a toddler though unless they were doing something that put them in imminent danger.
I would tell them off though for throwing things.

KoalaKoKo · 02/04/2025 02:10

If she gets that upset about water just wait until her baby becomes mobile and starts rubbing snot on furniture, putting its hands on gross things and then rubbing them on everything in the house. Kids are gross - she may need to relax a bit - you’d love to be a fly on the wall when her kid takes it’s first crap on the floor or flings it’s first bowl of ragu lol.

I disagree with shouting at random kids but did minorly raised my voice at a 5 year old once, he had violently pushed over my then 2 year old and as she went to get up again he charged at her screaming to get out if “his playground”. I said very firmly “no, we do not push or hit” and put my hand in front of my daughter. His mum thanked me saying she didn’t see on time to stop him, she was quite weepy and didn’t seem to know what to do as he clearly was having some issues. I have talked to kids about their behaviour on a few occasions when they’ve been violent, aggressive or vandalising things. I think it takes a village, I would have no problem with someone talking to my child about obviously bad behaviour but I would be upset if they shouted.

BoredZelda · 02/04/2025 00:21

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:46

Is it possible you were letting him run wild and this was the last straw for her?

I’d put money on it.

Neversayit · 02/04/2025 00:05

I think she was being very unreasonable OP.

LadeOde · 01/04/2025 23:57

Depends on what he was doing after 20mins of being told off? and for the hundredth time, yes, she was reasonable in shouting at your precious 2yr old child. If this is causing you and him such distress, perhaps you should keep him at home in his 'Yes environment' Hmm.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:54

DonaldMacRonald · 01/04/2025 22:24

If my 2 year old threw a cup at a wall in a friends house then she would be welcome to tell her off and raise her voice while doing so. Totally unacceptable behavior. I'd get a friends child in trouble for it and would have no problem with a friend doing it to mine.

But do you think 'telling off' and shouting and continuing with saying I'm not happy with you about twenty mins after it happens would work to 'teach' a just two year old?! A four year old maybe. I think just turn two year olds really only respond well to quick cause and effect - I did this, my things got taken away , I won't do that again if I like those things.

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Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:51

@Arraminta Montessori at home isn't about behaviour management, it's about exploring the environment and learning via touching and playing and concentrating and being busy independently.

I'm not saying I'm allowing my child to throw his cup (if you read my thread you'll see I intervened) I'm asking if my friend was reasonable for really shouting at him

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Arraminta · 01/04/2025 22:32

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:07

@LittleMonks11 probably all the Montessori at home type social media pages I follow!

Hmmmm, well that explains an awful lot. You're doing your toddler no favours by following this sort of nonsense and I speak as someone who was educated at a Steiner school (which has marked similarities to Montessori).

As a parent you have a duty to teach your child to behave in socially appropriate ways that are acceptable to the vast majority of the population. Not subscribe to a very niche philosophy that will expose your child to condemnation.

DonaldMacRonald · 01/04/2025 22:24

If my 2 year old threw a cup at a wall in a friends house then she would be welcome to tell her off and raise her voice while doing so. Totally unacceptable behavior. I'd get a friends child in trouble for it and would have no problem with a friend doing it to mine.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:07

@LittleMonks11 probably all the Montessori at home type social media pages I follow!

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LittleMonks11 · 01/04/2025 21:06

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 20:27

@LittleMonks11
He gets told no often enough when needed eg for his or others safety or health or when something he wants to do is annoying or inconvenient or I don't want to do it. Sometimes he does cry/ tantrum for a few seconds (until distracted) when he's told 'no' but that's pretty developmentally normal - all his same age friends from nursery /NCT are the same.

'Yes environment' at home (like nursery) more means he can explore things freely and safely as I am on my own with him I'd rather be able to go to the loo in peace then trust that he will obey my 'no climbing up the bookshelf when I'm gone' or 'don't open the hot oven it's on' I just remove or put locks on dangerous or breakable or mark making things so that if he does explore and touch /use things (as is normal for toddlers) it doesn't matter. Also called baby proofing.

Ah so just normal responsible parenting then. Why to you call it a living in a ‘yes environment’. Such jargon.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 20:27

@LittleMonks11
He gets told no often enough when needed eg for his or others safety or health or when something he wants to do is annoying or inconvenient or I don't want to do it. Sometimes he does cry/ tantrum for a few seconds (until distracted) when he's told 'no' but that's pretty developmentally normal - all his same age friends from nursery /NCT are the same.

'Yes environment' at home (like nursery) more means he can explore things freely and safely as I am on my own with him I'd rather be able to go to the loo in peace then trust that he will obey my 'no climbing up the bookshelf when I'm gone' or 'don't open the hot oven it's on' I just remove or put locks on dangerous or breakable or mark making things so that if he does explore and touch /use things (as is normal for toddlers) it doesn't matter. Also called baby proofing.

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LittleMonks11 · 31/03/2025 22:10

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2025 20:00

@WhereIsMyJumper he js startjng to get 'I'll do this to annoy them/exert my control as I feel that I've lost control or not getting my way' in the sense that he did do it on purpose/knows he's not allowed to throw stuff off his dinner tray and usually places rejected stuff in the little drinks bit instead (when he's in a compliant mood, which is most of the time luckily)

I wouldn't call that malicious more like a tantrumy protest

That’ll be the result of living in a ‘yes environment’. Doesn’t like the word no.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2025 20:00

@WhereIsMyJumper he js startjng to get 'I'll do this to annoy them/exert my control as I feel that I've lost control or not getting my way' in the sense that he did do it on purpose/knows he's not allowed to throw stuff off his dinner tray and usually places rejected stuff in the little drinks bit instead (when he's in a compliant mood, which is most of the time luckily)

I wouldn't call that malicious more like a tantrumy protest

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WhereIsMyJumper · 31/03/2025 19:26

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:49

To be honest if he doesn't get his malicious side in check people will do worse than shout at him down the line
I know I know he's only two but all the better to embed reactions while the stakes remain low

He isn’t malicious! He is 2!!! He doesn’t even understand the concept of being malicious!

Ddakji · 31/03/2025 19:19

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2025 19:08

@Arraminta her version is probably
'My friend has this really naughty child that purposely threw his drink everywhere! I would have been screamed at and punished if I'd done that when I was younger! he should realise that he'd upset me and I didn't want to be friends with him when he does things like that! Our friend doesn't respect our lovely home if she allowed her child to do that. Offering to pay to paint it isn't enough, we shouldn't have been put in the situation where our wall was damaged!'

Ok, you’re starting to be pretty unpleasant about your friend, despite choosing to bring up a child that’s never heard the word “no” and therefore probably shouldn’t be in other people’s houses.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2025 19:08

@Arraminta her version is probably
'My friend has this really naughty child that purposely threw his drink everywhere! I would have been screamed at and punished if I'd done that when I was younger! he should realise that he'd upset me and I didn't want to be friends with him when he does things like that! Our friend doesn't respect our lovely home if she allowed her child to do that. Offering to pay to paint it isn't enough, we shouldn't have been put in the situation where our wall was damaged!'

OP posts:
Gundogday · 31/03/2025 18:46

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2025 13:12

@Ddakji he's also away too young to have any idea what's his or other people's property etc. in my flat and at nursery things are totally baby proof so he generally can go round exploring and opening things and walking where he wants as I've made it a totally safe 'yes' environment, so when he's been in their house and I keep saying 'no' to everything he tries to touch like their tv remote their plants their bins etc it had probably all piled up hence the final tantrum about the ester

Really? You need to change this pronto. A toddler can’t go around thinking that s/he is all allowed to touch or play with everything. S/he needs the concept of ‘ no’ and that certain things are out of bounds.