We have three kids—5, 3, and almost 1. My husband works very long hours and earns well, which allows me to be a SAHM (what I’d always wanted to be). Our setup works well: I handle the kids’ schedules, education, health, as well as family visits because if we only saw family when my husband was available, it would eat into our rare family time and mean the kids saw their grandparents much less. It seems to work well with everything except MIL’s visits.
The problem is, the more kids we have, the more overbearing my MIL becomes. She has an opinion on everything. Every visit, she reminds me she doesn’t like the school our eldest goes to (she knows I was the one who researched and chose it). She constantly brings up how I “didn’t breastfeed for long enough” with my youngest, jokingly guesses if I’m pregnant and regularly jokes that it’s time for me to get pregnant again to “keep up the pattern.” When I brush it off, she’ll shake her head and say things like, “Well, you don’t want to leave an awkward gap, do you?” as if our family planning is somehow her decision. She also completely undermines my parenting whenever she visits. If I say it’s bedtime, she’ll immediately counter with, “Oh, don’t be silly! Granny’s still here, they can stay up late.”
When I was pregnant with my youngest, I had horrible morning sickness. One afternoon, MIL was over while I was struggling to get through the day, barely able to keep food down. As I’d been trying to keep 2 toddlers happy all morning, I thought now that their gran is here maybe I’ll sit and relax for a minute. She looked me up and down and said, “Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you can stay on the sofa all day - the kids will think it’s new baby’s fault their mum doesn’t play with them. Also put some make up on before DH gets home - men love with their eyes” all said in a tone as if she’s doing me a favour sharing her advice based on a lifetime of experience and knowledge. I was exhausted, nauseous, and barely holding it together, and I just burst into tears. Instead of apologizing, she just rolled her eyes and muttered, “Oh, it’s just hormones.”
Another time, she made a comment that actually reduced me to tears in front of my kids. The baby had been fussy all morning, I was dealing with a tantrum from my toddler, and my eldest was whining about something minor. I was completely overwhelmed. MIL just sighed dramatically and said, “Maybe if you gave them more time each individually, they wouldn’t act like this.” I just broke. For context, they have all my time. I rarely go anywhere without them and spend all day every day making sure they’re healthy, happy and being developed. Admittedly it’s mainly with all 3 (or now, 2 of them, as the oldest is at school) rather than 1 on 1. I started crying right there while my kids stared at me, and instead of offering any kindness, she just muttered, “Oh, don’t be so sensitive.”
For context, my husband is from a culture where grandparents are much more involved, often even living with their adult children. That’s not how we’ve structured our family, but it explains why MIL sees herself as having a bigger role than I think is appropriate.
My husband is an amazing dad, incredibly supportive, and earns more than enough to provide us with a very comfortable life. We even have a housekeeper, so it’s not like I’m drowning in housework, it’s just that every time MIL is here, I feel constantly judged, criticised, and completely dismissed.
Would I be unreasonable to start limiting contact, even if that means the kids see her less?