He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

If you like your family and support network I’d honestly not move and then pretty much immediately have a baby. My support network were so important after the birth of my kids, I’d think really really carefully before doing that OP.

And for people saying Denmark isn’t far away, it might as well be on the moon if the OP quickly needs some childcare help and she doesn’t know anyone…

Ok, but why are you the one having to give up so much for him?

Why can't you go to Denmark often to see his family? Why can't they come and see you often? It works both ways.

Why can't you have kids in Scotland, get to know Denmark/learn Danish over the next 5-10 years or so, maybe do a stint over there for a couple of years, heck - even move there permanently once you've had time to form an opinion?

Honestly, I probably sound like an embittered old crone here, but I would not be moving.

It's an awful choice to have to make.

The embittered old crone also wonders whether the poem and ring are to sweeten his announcement.

He's put you in front of a fait accompli and has given you the awful task of breaking it off, because he doesn't have the heart to.

I'm not saying he doesn't love you or see you as 'the one'. But he is putting himself first.

I feel for you, I really do.

Op, if you decide to move, you need to make sure of two things:

1. You would be happy to live in Denmark even if you split up with your partner and
2. You will be able to be financially independent and feel confident you will build a support network fairly quickly (tricky for some but I know of people who have this talent).

I am so sorry you have been, and continue to be in this position. It sounds really hard; and I hope you have found friends, your children and hobbies that make you happy.

But the question is would he split with you in order to move to Denmark? It seems you are the one being emotionally blackmailed to go with him. He’s going to go regardless of you going with him or is you decide to stay would he decide to stay with you?

Scenarios are that (i) he lied about wanting to stay in Scotland until you fell in love with him (crap), (ii) didn’t think it through and just said what would encourage you to date/stay with him (crap), or (iii) has changed his mind (fair enough).

my bet is (ii) based on the info in your posts.

It’s really sad breaking up with someone you love, but there can be good reasons to do so and love isn’t alone good reason to continue.

You have some time but not loads to decide, regarding your personal fertility.

If you split up soon the odds of meeting someone else you love are high.

Denmark is meant to be great for young families. Amazing maternity groups, childcare etc. people make fronds for life. If you are going to go, go at that stage. Maybe if you have a school-based job or a flexible or freelance role you could then have the freedom to travel home frequently. Some families do large stints in more than one country, so you could always come back in the future, but it wouldn’t be guaranteed, so you’d need to be comfortable with it being a permanent move.

I lived overseas for 3yrs and basically came home because I knew I never wanted to have DC in that country, so felt it was better to leave before I got into a long term relationship which made the decision more difficult. It's hard, OP and sounds like you are taking your time and thinking about all the options, which is great.

The point about the Hague convention has been well addressed above but I think also maybe look into the Danish healthcare system? I'm sure there was a thread on MN not too long ago from a lady having a baby in Copenhagen. It was a really interesting read - sounded quite different to here.

I'm 250miles from my parents and ever since I had my own DC, I've wished more than ever that we lived closer. I miss my DM so much. I think it would be even harder if I was a plane ride away and not just a train. As it is, as the DC have got older, we manage visits (them to us or us to them) only around every 6-8weeks, due to DC parties, hobbies, my parent's hobbies, time for DH and I to actually spend together. Yes we video call a couple of times a week but it's not the same. So don't underestimate how feelings might change once DC are in the picture.

Obviously, I can’t tell you what you should do, but as a mother of adult kids, and the daughter of once ageing parents, I have some thoughts about that side of things:

Firstly, nothing my kids could do would make me think they’d prioritised other parents/grandparents over me; they certainly prioritise their spouses and their own children, and that’s exactly how it should be.

Secondly, your parents’ experience with their parents may not be replicated at all. My mother died unexpectedly before she was the age I am now (I’m 68) and my father died in his 80s after a short illness, and hadn’t needed any care or support at all prior to that.

Thirdly, the relationship your children have with their grandparents isn’t, as PP have said, based on proximity. My children were closer to the grandparents that lived far away than to my parents, who lived a mile away for a chunk of their childhood.

And finally, I’d be furious if I thought my children were making life decisions based on my (possible) future needs. I want them to make choices about what is best for them in the here and now, to be independent, and not to be tied to me even if I do end up with care needs. It’s even in my PoA.

.it sounds like you don’t want to move. It is ok to not want to move. It is ok to say him you don’t want to move and let him decide whether he wants you more than he wants Denmark. He can make a free choice and you would need to respect is he wants to move back.

as for children I know someone who is now permanently stuck in the US as she moved there to be with her husband. They divorced but clearly she cannot now move back with her children. She has a life there but she’d move back in a heartbeat if she could.

My friend moved to Denmark with her kids and her partner. The relationship broke down. She is back in the UK and the kids are in Denmark. It's heartbreaking.

No, it's not but it's not exactly pop round to your parents after work. See them at the weekend. See your extended family at the weekend. Have your kids growing up with the grandparents.

Team Scotland here.

My opinion is no doubt biased because of my own circumstances.

You need to listen to your boyfriend. Really listen to what he's saying.

I moved to France, met someone and fell in love 30 years ago. I agreed to stay. I spoke the language fluently, had a job, did everything I could to make it my home.

Then we had kids and the reality of being so far from home and family, and awful homesickness, set in.

Then the relationship started to fall apart, and I was stuck.

I am still here, now divorced, kids are adults and I'm finally free to move back "home".

But I can't bring myself to do it because I can't bear the thought of not being there for my children the way I wasn't there for my parents, who did grow old and need my support before they died and I wasn't able to give it becausee I had two teenagers and a job and lived too far away.

So, I suppose I'm like your boyfriend in your scenario. Only I didn't realise until it was too late that I really shouldn't have stayed abroad, despite being in love.

He's telling you that he's not prepared to do what I did.

And I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my ex to leave his home and family to move to England with me. His life was in France. I knew that when I met him. And I respected that.

Your boyfriend knows that your life is in Scotland. He wants to go home. He's being honest at least.

If he's not prepared to stay in Scotland for you, a country he chose to come to, whose language he speaks fluently, and where he has a job, why should you move to his country?

So, he's being honest but, in my opinion, unfair.

And the cynic in me thinks he may well be pre-empting a possible future breakdown in the relationship with all that would mean for whoever is stuck in the country which is nit their home.

I agree with this. I live in the same country as my parents and extended family but about2hrs away.doable in a day, easy for an overnight. But Unless my children keep missing their weekend activities we don’t visit more than once every couple of months.

i wouldn’t move abroad, if I hadn’t time again I wouldn’t have settled down where I am now because I miss being ‘pop in of an evening’ close to my family.
i can’t help out with them and they can’t help me.

don’t move OP I don’t think you’ll be happy long term.

I’m an only (surviving) child OP, now in my 50s, my kids are teens and my Mum is in her 80s. Having seen the joy my Mum has had from her grandchildren , and also how much she’s depended on me in recent years, it would have been incredibly cruel of me to have moved abroad. I couldn’t have done it.

I also think British children that live rurally and in the country have a great quality of life spending their childhoods outdoors. This is certainly not confined to Denmark.
They also do not have world class universities like the U.K., and many Danes come to London to work. You need to think long term not just the early years.

I think you should go to Denmark a few more times and think about it- having lived in Copenhagen for 20 months it’s a fabulous place with kids, great and cheap childcare, lots to do - interesting and varied schooling- lots to like- we used to come back to UK every 3 weeks for business reasons - I wouldn’t dismiss it if he’s a great chap- Danish guys too that I met tended to be very good all rounders with families- very involved.