He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

You are right op. You are carrying double the risk because you are making all of the sacrifices to move to his home country, and you will be the one that is pregnant, and will take the financial and physical hit that comes with it.

If you were 25 this wouldn’t matter so much, but you have a limited window, but still plenty of time to get this right.

A few questions:

Is Denmark a place you would choose independently to live your life if it were not for him? Or have you always seen your home as a place you would have your children?

Is this decision based purely on pleasing him? Be honest about this at least with yourself.

You have travelled extensively too, I have returned having marvelled at some amazing countries truly beautiful countries, realising that home is where the heart is, and the U.K. in general is always underrated by the very people that live here! It’s a British affliction.

Sorry if this was already suggested - I only read the OPs posts. I really recommend this book OP to help you think about a potential move.

I know a couple of families who are half British / half Danish. One does summers in UK and the rest in DK and the other does it the other way round. DK is so near and so accessible. I would really put some effort into getting more experience of the country. It's beautiful with a lovely culture.

Tbh I would also want to get married if I was going to live abroad with him. If he proposed would that make you feel differently?

I agree with the post above. You will be the one that carries the risk as it is, being the one that is pregnant, vulnerable and very reliant for a while at least, caring for a newborn and all that entails. Even if everything goes perfectly with the pregnancy, delivery and there are no disabilities or issues with the baby/babies.

To have to do all of this overseas without your family is a huge ask and unreasonable when you consider he could easily stay given how settled he is. If he loved you deeply why is hr willing to put you through this I wonder?

If you had nothing to lose, then maybe it’s worth a punt but you have so much to lose and maybe signing up for an entire lifetime spent in Denmark and not just a chapter.

Be honest, and see what happens. Your relationship is about to be tested, and you are about to find out just how committed he is to a life with you. Yes it might feel daunting, but far better to know now than be saddled with dc, unable to leave a country you have no connection or real affection for and enduring a life you did not choose potentially indefinitely.

Op, he wouldn’t do this move for you if your positions were reversed . If he won’t stay for you when he speaks the language, gets on really well with your family, has a great career and isn’t going to be the one to be pregnant and give birth, look after a baby, with all the additional need for your support network that comes with that, then he certainly wouldn’t move to Denmark where he has none of that if you were the danish one saying i want to move. It’s worth realising that when you evaluate the relationship.

It would have ended the relationship if you had told him how you really felt?

Gosh op that is not ideal. Whatever is driving his change of heart is powerful enough to end your relationship then you really don’t have even the basic security of knowing the relationship will last do you?

It would be a precarious and risky situation for you hoping things will work out there, rather than feeling completely loved and safe wherever you both live in the world. What if he gets wobbly in Denmark where would that leave you? Particularly if you have had dc.

For those of us that come from loving families, in warm communities with a good quality of life spent outdoors and in nature, it’s hard to recognise the picture sometimes painted of the U.K. which feels rooted in strange stereotypes.

It’s largely irrelevant whether another county might be ‘better’ or not, it’s not a car you are buying here.

This is your life, your roots, your home, your family and you sound very very happy with your life as it is - as anyone would be in your position. It sounds like you have an incredible life where you are - that works very well for you and is very fulfilling, it is so much to give up to start again in a country that feels just okay, when you don’t really want to.

You will only be leaving to save your relationship essentially…

I can completely understand why someone who had options would prefer not to remain in the UK as it is now. Parents aside it’s not an awesome place politically and socially and it’s not set to improve any time soon. And I moved from the UK, married, had kids, divorced and remarried somewhere away from the UK but in Europe. My kids have had a quality of life & education that wouldn’t have been possible in the UK for me to give them. But having kids abroad with someone of a different nationality meant I couldn’t have moved back to the UK even if I had wanted to.

It sounds like there are two issues here.

The first one being that he seems to have rowed back from his original position of staying in Scotland. Are you saying it feels like he will only remain in the relationship if you move to Denmark? So a dealbreaker for him in many ways. Whilst it is welcome that he is sharing his reservations about staying honestly now with you, I don’t blame you for feeling angry. This changes everything. You might start to feel backed into a corner and forced into a decision to leave even though deep down you don’t want to.

Secondly, your choice to stay with him sounds rooted in insecurity. This might be your only chance position. Although I can understand there are no guarantees you will meet a wonderful Scottish msn, your chances are even less likely whilst you remain in a relationship that doesn’t have longevity. .

Are his parents or family putting pressure on him I wonder? Sensing he is very settled and in love away from home. Just a thought.

Can a compromise be reached? Your every day lives are in Scotland, and you have a small place in Denmark you spend all holidays, long weekends and summers there? Effectively experiencing both lives.

Moving to Ireland is the worst of all worlds perhaps, as neither of you will be at home. I feel like this o is being floated to avoid the deeper issues.

I’d be clear right now your life is in Scotland. If you are to get married and have children it would be here in Scotland. But you are open to discussing a move to Denmark in the future but it’s not a guarantee. Then it’s up to him to decide if he wants to stay with you or move on.

You are not young. Things become much more serious when we are in our 30s. Those that are saying just go with it are not really considering just how hard it is to make another strange country home - for life.

It might be different if you didn’t have a family that you are very close to, long standing friends, a career. A life and a community you adore. But you do. They are priceless and invaluable things in life. Irreplaceable in Denmark or anywhere else.

Its important to look at all
sides and Denmark has plenty of disadvantages too. I actually think Scotland is a warmer, kinder place to raise children myself and having children is a major challenge for any mother for the first few years, you would have to overcome many more challenges in a different country. A country is much more than lots of cheap childcare and cycling. These things are available anywhere. The Scottish humour, culture and the extensive education opportunities are not so easy to replace! Nor are your roots and sense of belonging.

You have to really love a country, its people, its culture, to speak the language fluently, to have a clear career path, to be able to fit in long term. Simply thinking it’s okay is not enough, given how much you will sacrifice.

I have been there, and found the adjustment very hard once in a serious relationship. The novelty wears off quickly, and I did one the language and I had built a life there with many friends and connections. In the end there were too many differences, and I needed security not romance. I wanted familiarity and comfort when I was pregnant not adventure and the unknown. I wanted to feel ‘at home’ and not homesick and wishing things could be different.

So I ended my relationship. it was hard but for the best.
I met the most wonderful man soon afterwards, and didn’t need to compromise on anything that was important to me. For me, it was the best thing I ever did. Painful as it was ar the time.

Whatever you do - don’t expect people to be willing or able to constantly fly out to see you, it tails off quickly.

Secondly, don’t underestimate how exhausting it is to fly regularly with babies and children. You may not have the strength for it, or the funds. Travelling away from home is reallyhard work with pre school dc. It becomes harder still to convince older children.

If you decide to go, go with your eyes wide open. You may never come back. Or be able to.

You don’t actually sound like you particularly want to do this, and you would only be doing it for him. Which are the wrong reasons to emigrate to another country in my view.

That's what makes it hard isn't it ?

To be fair I don't think you'd have any obligation to care for his family - plus you mention he has a brother. Between the two of them they should be able to manage.

I like the idea of Copenhagen because you get to live in a capital city while feeling like you live in a small town. Easy to access most places with public transport. Easy to bike to places. Great social benefits. I'd live there if I could ! This probably colours my view.

You're still young, which is why I feel like an obvious solution is to give it a shot. Maybe you'll love it, maybe you won't, but at least you won't wonder what if !

You need to visit more. I think a lot is moot until this happens.

Your non negotiable is childbirth in Denmark - utterly understandable and shouldn’t be a point of negotiation - you are putting your body on the line for that, he doesn’t get a say over that. I can’t imagine giving birth in an country I didn’t have the language skills to communicate thoroughly with.

If you moved would your Mum and Dad be ask to come out for extended periods? Wouldn’t you be able to pop over for extended periods? Danes don’t start schooling until 7 so there’s lots of time.

That sounds like youbwant to stay close to your family. Honestly, tryst this feeling
You didn't go to Denmark nd meet him.there. he came to you. You made choices to stay.
It honestly sounds very risky to me, and not nice of him to get involved qhne he has a clear desire to have kids in his home country and near his own family.
Not nice. Find someone you can plan a future with on equal terms.
Let him go..painful as it is. It would be more painful to have kids and be stuck in Denmark with young kids , no partner, and your beloved family out of reach.
He's the one who left his home..not you.

On that basis I think it’s really hard for him to ask you to decide. If you’ve only visited for a week, you really can’t make an informed decision and it would be unfair of him to ask you to. Not for something that is meant to be a permanent decision.

Is there anyway to have a sabbatical from work to go and stay there for 3m, explore the area, rent a place short term and get a real feel for life there? You could explore how easily/quickly you could get back to the Uk to see your parents in a crisis (in the UK, many of my friends could get back from Paris/Rome quicker than it would take them to drive to their parents - my in-laws, for instance are a 4hr drive. DH’ll be at the office in Germany tomorrow in less time than it would take me to get to their house?)

You could go and speak to an employment agency there about your job prospects, have a nose around the schools etc. I think as a PP says above, you need to sit down and state that its a huge ask on his part and that you’d need much more information before you could make that leap of faith - bit I’d also be cautious about a blanket no. You love this man, you may never meet anyone else that you like as much and you’ve stated having children is important, so I wouldn’t dismiss it out of hand?

I was going to say this. You are trapped if u have kids in his home country. And him bringing this up soinds like he has done serious thinking, alone.
He may want to go back to Denmark. Its his home. Thibk,twice before you do.
He's met you on your territory..It sounds cruel to me that he's saying he wants you to have children in his country, when he's the one who moved away and met you in your home country. I dont like the sound of it really.

Silly question - but have you even been to Denmark yet? I think to make a decision you need to have spent some time there first.

Alarm bells for me.

1. You don’t sound like you’d want to move to another country and leave your parents behind.
2. If you have kids with him and your kids live in Denmark for a year then if your relationship broke up there’s an international law that says the kids should stay in Denmark unless he agrees to let you bring them to England. Which he’d be unlikely to do since he’s see less of them. Google ‘Hague Convention’.