He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

But it sounds like she wants to be near her parents not just an obligation. I chose not to move away with work because I wanted to be near my mum when the kids were little. It was a great opportunity but I don’t regret it. I spent a lot of time with my mum when the children were babies and toddlers. I still see her regularly. She still fit and healthy thankfully. I just wanted to be near my mum. I made that clear to my DH and he accepted that.

You mention suggesting ttc (in Scotland) before finalising your respective decisions. That seems a bad idea. You and he would have the same challenge and uncertainty but with a DC involved. Sort out first what you’re each prepared to do (or not).

I would be telling him the absolute truth. He is someone who you say feels like home. If he is truly a committed life partner then he should be able to explore how you feel without the relationship falling apart.

To be fair to him, perhaps he was cool with a future in Scotland but homesickness crept in, the heart wants what it wants. Don't be angry at him for this, after all, the same could happen to you after a few years in Denmark.

You seem close to your family and happy with your life. You have no guarantees how it will be in Denmark for you in terms of fitting in, friendships, work, language, missing home and family. He has a really good idea of how Scotland is. He gets the informed choice, you get the gamble.

So, perhaps it's this. Tell him you love him and you want to make your life with him. You are uncertain about Denmark. To be sure you would maybe need to have had the same chance to experience it as he had in the UK - many years of living there. You have a strong feeling you want to have your kids in Scotland as it is home - with all of your friends and family around you instead of a bunch of people you only just met and your parents on a visit. You cannot guarantee that you will want to move to Denmark or live there long term although you are not closed to the idea and could explore it more but with no guarantees. Don't be afraid of the break up if it happens. What is meant to be is meant to be, but decide now if you do want kids as you will still have time.

If you didn't want kids, I'd say go for it (if you wanted to), but children make this so much more complicated. You could end up completely trapped there.

So he has everything here but wants to move back. Some of it could be the pressure he feels to be near family when he has children. No grandparent wants to live in another country and not see grandchildren grow up. As people age travelling becomes more tiring. He may feel an internal or even have an external pressure because of this.

My friend worked in the USA and met someone. Got divorced after 10 years but had to remain due to her child being an American. She returned at the end of 2019 having stayed for at least 15 years more than she would have. Her Father had died by then.

How very difficult for both of you.

There is I am sure a good life to be made in either country, but I would wish to have the chidlren here first so that they have UK passports and more options if the relationship were to break down. Waiting till after children also gives him more time to embed in the UK and put down roots and he might then feel more inclined to stay.

I would not emigrate and have my children over there, even if I decided to move there later. The place of birth of the children would be my bottom line.

Is he clear about what makes him want to move there? Are they similar to the reasoning that is making you want to be here?

I just want to say I feel you. I'm in a similar position. There are thing that are objectively or logisticslly smarter choisea. Then there is the emotional side that also matters. Location does matter.

I enjoy my life, my sports team, my friends, my hobbies. I enjoy my family traditions. I like the familiarity of home. I always imagined having kids and just posing over to my parents and grandparents' sleepovers. Me and my friends having play dates. Going with my partner to family events and having a nice extended family around. I've always envisioned raising kids a certain way and the other option seems so foreign. But i also love my bf. Of course he brings me a lot of joy but the life is just so different from what I envisioned. Moving would bring a lot of good. It is just hard sometimes.

It seems to me that you are both at this critical point in your lives where you're contemplating the future and neither of you want to be away from family etc. In fact you're actually both kind of the same really, but just the home = a different country.
If he's feeling strongly, and well he might, that he wants to go back to Denmark at some point and he doesn't want the rest of his life to be in Scotland. Then you do need to find a compromise. So could it be a holiday home and you go there every summer and school hols? Or is it that he wants the kids raised in the Danish system?
Everyone has deep rooted things they dont want to compromise. But they do. I wanted my kids to have a different education than the one they have (IB not A levels) but in the end it turned out not to be as important as I thought when they were born. I also dont live in the country of my birth or the country I was raised in. I live in the UK kind of randomly but it does feel like home now after all these years. But neither of my parents live here. And I don't know what I'll do if and when they need me but I'll figure it out.
I guess as the life you both have is in Scotland, it's for him to declare his hands now which he's doing and you have to take it at face value and it seems to be that you feel it's too much of an ask, which is fair enough. So id probably split up then unfortunately

Oh OP.

You’ve not been together that long. You’re still early days really. I’d insist on having the children here.

I really would take a long time to consider this. I say this because my brother has done the same as you and he’s now suicidal because he’s trapped abroad by having children there.

You’ll be 43 in ten years time, his timeline; so surely you’d have had your children here by that point.

Only you can decide OP but I think Denmark is one of the best countries in the world to live. I wouldn’t have children unless actually married. And I wouldn’t move until I had talked everything through with him - all the worst case scenarios.

I agree with other posters about being near parents. I would not want my daughter to base her life around being near me. She needs to live her own life, not worry about caring for old people.

From an outsiders perspective with no emotional ties to either place it completely makes sense to move to Denmark and raise kids there. The quality of life, especially for kids, is just not at all comparable to the UK. He will always win from a logical point of view.

However, life doesn't work like that because we do have emotions and ties and sometimes the most logical choice isn't the best one. It's kind of like choosing between two jobs. Job 1 pays 200K a year, you get to travel the world, live in a swanky apartment but you don't get time to see your loved ones or spend the money you are earning. Job 2 pays 40K and you live in a small 1 bed apartment around the corner from your best friend and although you have no acute money worries you also don't have substantial savings and the little you have is spent on having fun with your loved ones.

The 200K job is Denmark and the 40K job is Scotland.

It's a tough one. He may be very homesick for whatever reason at the moment, but it sounded like he's considered this before telling you. The message is that he'll be leaving at some point with or without you. I'd say it's not fair on you because he met you when you were settled in your home country. He's the one who made the choice to come to the UK and build a life here and this 'choice' he's making you face is always harder on the partner who hasn't made the decision to emigrate. Effectively, that's what he's asking you to do. Not relocate together for a bit to enable a career opportunity; he's asking you to permanently emigrate if you want a long term future with him. I personally don't think that's a fair request. It will end up in resentment for one of you at some point. Unfortunately, this does bring your compatibility into question. There is a romanticised view of cross-national relationships (I blame TV and film for that!) that it's nothing much really and if two people are essentially compatible they find a way. It's more complicated than that. Feelings of belonging are important and people are more than their marriage/relationships. They have to be or it would be stifling and unhealthy! So the question is: would YOU want to build a life in Denmark for yourself completely independently of him? If the answer is no, that's your answer... You will have to be completely honest with yourself first and foremost or it won't stand a chance.

Sorry, I'm banging on here, but this question of equality is so important.

I think we can be blinded by our emotions and how happily in love we are when we are young and in love. But the things that really matter when you're in it for the long-haul are mutual respect, open and honest communication, and true equality.

And if you do agree to go, as a pp pointed out, and as I am now doing, you have to accept that by doing so you will need to ready to stay there until your future children are adults, potentially forever, whether you stay together or not.

That's a huge commitment, and one your boyfriend has realised he's not willing to make for you, it would seem.

I think this is the crux of it.

Your line in the sand is your children are born in Scotland, where you have your support network around you, with a view to maybe moving to Denmark once you've had time to make an informed decision.

You are not willing to commit to a move just because he wants to go back:

1)Because the long-term implications for you are so monumental.
2)Because he has said he doesn't see himself long-term in Scotland, a country he knows, loves, speaks the language of and has a job in, so why is he expecting you to commit to a country you don't even know?!
3)Because it is all so sudden and one-sided, and sounds like you're being given an ultimatum. And this suggests that the relationship is not truly equal.

It doesn’t matter where they’re born, if they ordinarily reside in another country, you won’t be able to bring them back without his consent.

There are millions of men and you only have one family. You can fall in love again and you're young enough to find someone else to have children with. I wouldn't uproot my whole life for the sake of a man if it meant that my relationships with my family would suffer.

He seems quite selfish to be honest. He's not listening to you about how you'd feel about having a baby in his country.

I don't see this relationship lasting long term. He doesn't appear to want to compromise so you're going to be the one making all the changes.

And I am ‘Meh’ about the ring, sorry. Anyone can go to a jeweller. A proposal would have been more significant.

He is telling you clearly what he wants and intends to do. Really listen to that, otherwise I think you are opening yourself up to heartache.

There are a lot of men in the UK and quite a few of them are in Scotland!

Do you speak any Danish at all? Have you met and spent time with his family and friends, male and female, who are going to be a big part of his life again. You are going to feel isolated listening to them chatter in Danish unless you speak it or learn it ASAP.

Do you like the same hobbies, like sailing? How does he like to spend his time in Denmark?

Your kids would be brought up as Danish. Danish schools. Danish homework. Danish doctors.

All the above for him, where you are. He has already told you he is going home, with or without you.
You sound to me that you don't want to. For very good reasons, probably the same as his!

But we can't see into the future. Do both of you feel you'll never meet and love anyone else?

@Stanwyck I had exactly the same dilemma and I chose to move. But I already spoke the language pretty well (and am now completely bilingual), had visited lots of times, knew a lot of people there, and had a good job offer.

For what it's worth I have no regrets about choosing to have my children here, and with a bit of effort on both sides we manage to see my family a lot.

I don't feel my long term friendships have really suffered, even though it's harder to see each other face to face. We talk every day on WhatsApp, and now we have children I don't think we would be going for dinner after work that regularly even if we were all in London.

But I am working on the assumption that I will stay here permanently, or at least until my children are grown up, whether my marriage lasts or not.

Men are sooooo incredibly good at looking after their own needs and wants.
How long have you know him?
You say he's great , but it doesn't sound it from here. He's done some rhinking, alone. He's given you a ring ro pull you in. And he's saying, out of nowhere, he wants you to move somewhere you don't speak the language and have children somewhere that you don't love, don't call home and couldn't leave if the relationship ended. Fccc that.
I feel angry on your behalf. He seems to know what the situation is by making this request to have kids in Denmark. He isn't as lovely as you think. He is not thinking of you at all.

It appears he is only willing to agree on his own terms. Maybe there is a compromise somewhere he is willing to make? You don’t know until you level with him.

It sounds like you are a person that really knows yourself at a very deep level, with plenty of awareness and you have created a really full life. I am sorry you are having to now make such a difficult decision. Be true you yourself and you won’t go far wrong.

As an only child I would really struggle to leave, as much as parents will say they want you to be happy etc. As they age it’s privilege to help them.
My BIL lives in Europe and as much as we try to see them regularly and speak on face time etc it’s just not the same. I know you love him and feel you won’t meet anyone who compares but you might…. yet your parents will always be your parents, you can’t replace to history and relationships you have with your friends.