He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

I still don't think anyone is to blame here. It's really important to have these kinds of conversations and be willing to follow through. So if it's a non-starter to even consider immigrating, then it's really good to know that now as that sounds really important to him. My husband and I got together as teenagers, but there were a couple things we talked about really early on as it was a non-starter for us - I knew I wanted children (agreed) and was absolutely sure I wanted to raise them Jewish (trickier as he was raised Catholic). He really wanted me to take his name when we got married (tricky for me but I did in the end as it was more important to him than me). We both really wanted to move to another country (and did!)... all these things can be dealbreakers without anyone being right or wrong.

I think this is a level of compromise neither of you want to make so you should say fond goodbyes and find someone who wants to build the life you want. You have quite a lot of time to find someone else but just due to biology, there is a limit to how long it's wise to string this out if you definitely want children.

You need to talk to your parents about this. Obviously you don't need to decide right away, but we're talking about three people moving to satisfy one. He also offered to support you iirc, which would leave you jobless in a foreign country. Obviously you could still work there, but if he honestly is worried about childcare costs why isn't he worried about the cost of you giving up your job? Is he just caught up in feeling homesick that's he's not being 100 percent objective? More conversations are required.

Yes and in my first comment which you may be missed I said that it's his approach that concerns me. It's absolutely normal to have conversations about where you are going to live/work/start a family but when it's positioned as I'm moving and I want you to come but essentially I'm going either way that's very different and to me shows a prioritizing that I don't think works in the long run.

there is no way I’d risk being trapped in another country unable to get my kids out. No man is worth that.

Sorry but this just gets worse.

He only feels the need to go home once a year, but now wants you to uproot your entire life to move there permanently.

And suggesting a trailing spouse role means beyond writing any other work or career you may have had to support this is null and void. And how many female comedians are offered work in Saudi or the ME etc?

It’s a shocking disregard for your career, financial independence and passions in life.

He throws you a breadcrumb that he will let you continue to write! How generous of him.

Jesus op, no wonder you feel like you will lose your entire identity - that’s exactly what will happen. What about your pension? Savings? Family? life? Friendships?

How can he be the one if he can’t see what these things mean to you?

I would either stay with him, and never have children.

Or trust that someone far more suitable will come along. Even if they don’t your life sounds very happy as it is.

But neither of them wants to live in the other person's country, it's not just him. As a PP said, being single and childfree in a foreign country is a whole different thing to having kids and a family in a foreign country. They are in a fairly new relationship, they are not engaged or married, this is exactly the time to bring this up to see if they are compatible long term and they have discovered that they aren't.

Sorry I don't mean it necessarily makes him a bad parent more like if it was me I'd be worried that he either would be selfish in terms of who's opinions are more important and therefore sick days or annual leave might be unequal and similarly what would happen if he met someone that he would put first regardless of what country they are in. Op has given a bit more information which shows there's some room for talk but the pace and level of expectations feels like he's saying come or stay but he's going either way and even beyond my feelings on that, I watched a podcast with a pastor recently talking to a caller with a very similar expectation from their husband they agreed with my thoughts.

That's the crux of it. If you are going to be together one of you have to get what they want whilst the other one won't. There is no happy medium and you can't do this in a fair way because you want such different things and the one who is compromising will just start to feel resentment. Even if you say you will live in Scotland and spend summers in Denmark it won't be enough for him because he wants his kids to actually grow up in Denmark and have a childhood similar to his, and the same goes in reverse because you want your kids to have your parents nearby in their every day life, not just for a few weeks a year.

I wouldn't say she hasn't made the effort, or that he's not the love of her life, they haven't been together all that long and she's been to visit once.

I would visit again op, and ask your parents what they think, as he's talking about them visiting regularly. I think you said they could stay at his parents home? I wonder how they'd feel about that.

Giving birth there would be a very bad move as you'd be stuck. I'm also not sure about his cost of childcare worry, you said he has a great job, and you work, so surely you could afford childcare in Scotland?

There is one last thought.

The future father of your children must put you first, it’s a non negotiable, because being a mother is huge, bigger than you can possibly imagine and unless you have a rock solid advocate that is going to have your back and put you (and by default your joint babies) first regardless of where you both live, the wheels will quickly come off.

Best case you will be back here a single mother, worst case you will be marooned there indefinitely on your own as a single mother with very few options.

At the moment it doesn’t sound like he is willing to do that. To put you first, to understand your needs, to ensure your long term happiness. Everything seems to be about him. Has he considered your poor parents that he is so close to? Or your challenges fitting in. He has already been accepted wholeheartedly in Scotland but nothing guarantees you the same welcome op.

Unless you have 100% commitment in either country you may as well stop wasting your most fertile years on a man that may not measure up in any capacity.

I’d tread carefully. This has all come out of the blue. He has very little connection if he only goes back once a year. Until now he was making lots of promises but now he’s completely changed his mind.

also what BS is this promise ring? He hasn’t made you any promises. Instead he’s threatening you with leaving then writing a poem and a ring (without explaining what the ring is). I agree it does seem like he wants to call your bluff.

How long are you with him? He’s the one who wants this sudden massive change but he has not given you any understanding of whether he’ll marry you and how kids will be factored in.

I'm afraid this has all the hallmarks of him dragging you over there only for this to break down in a year or two, with or without children. And he probably knows you’ll be trapped there if you have children.

if he loved you, he would be forcing your hand but instead having an open and frank discussion.

Is he afraid of commitment? He is not behaving like an equal partner who wants to make it work with the love of his life.

These are my exact thoughts. We might be from the same place. Being young and single abroad and being married with kids abroad are very different.

It works both ways! He's essentially making the same choice as the OP whereas before both options were on the table. And as for her not making an effort to get to know Denmark, it appears he only goes there once a year himself! Give the girl a chance!

One thing I do agree with, though, if you stay together and regardless of where you live, is that the one who gets to stay in their country needs to be very mindful of what their other half has given up, and do as much as possible to maintain the links to the other country, culture and language. Not only for the children's sake.

So even if you both decide to stay in Scotland I would really encourage you to learn Danish, learn about Denmark, and not just expect your DP to do things the Scottish way. I found that the older I got the more attached to my roots I became.

And I was very hurt by the fact that my ex didn't make more of an effort in that regard. It was expected that I would just fit in and adapt. We'd also talked in the early years (I was ten years younger than you when we met and I decided to stay in France) about living between both countries when we retired. When we got to our forties and financially could have started planning for that, it had suddenly disappeared as an option.

At the end of the day my marriage didn't work out for a myriad of reasons, but this was one of them.

@cheezuz I agree, OP sounds like a decent person. It just makes me so cross to see "advice" like this 😒

I think that's a bit unfair to him. He hasn't said she has to decide right now and she isn't allowed to explore the country and make an informed decision. Their futures are not compatible but neither is wrong. He is telling her that he doesn't see himself raising children in Scotland anymore which is fair enough, and she is saying she doesn't see herself raising kids anywhere but Scotland, also fair. It tells you nothing at all about how he would be as a parent, but most of us envision our kids having childhoods similar to our own childhoods, especially if they were good childhoods.

I know I've said it before but at this stage I don't think it really matters how much you love him, it matters how much he loves you and someone who is unwilling to compromise or even discuss it, who will leave the relationship of you don't meet their demands and expects you to move your entire life to a new country you've only spent a week in without giving time to explore it first is not someone who is showing great potential as a partner and parent. And what if you do move and hate it, is he just going to say you can like it or lump it?

I don't think you should make any plans based on your parents watching your child(ren) for days out of the week. Things change and mumsnet is filled with posters whose parents either reneged on this, had complicated schedules as they had their own lives or just couldn't actually cope with full days with babies and toddlers when they were at retirement age. So lovely if it works out, but I wouldn't put that sort of expectation on your parents or yourself.

There's no way to make this a logical decision as you're both right. First step is absolutely going to Denmark for an extended stay. Look at where you might live, maybe even look at a school/nursery. See how it might work.

I'm obviously biased as DH and I don't have any family here and would never live where any of our parents are so that wasn't a consideration. I did however veto a plan of his some time ago to move again to New Zealand - that was just too far away and I couldn't picture that in my head. I live 27 hours door to door from my mother via 3 flights so anything less than that feels super manageable! Am aware this isn't typical but Denmark-Scotland really isn't very far at all and you could have wonderful support around school holidays when your parents retire.

She won’t. OP sounds like a decent person.