He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

Also OP sounds like she is thriving: she has a job and two creative side interests, a community she enjoys being a part of, friends and family. What are the actual odds that she'll be able to rebuild that one to one in Denmark? Let's be real. Presumably, her DP knows that and must love that for her, however he is willing to consider being responsible for her giving all of that up to start from zero. It would be worse for her than it was for him because I bet his level of English was good when he moved to the UK whereas she'd have to learn his language from scratch (and it's not an easy one either). The best reason he can come up with is some impersonal stat about child poverty. If that bothers him, he should get involved with charities and/or politics rather than throw figures at OP's head and prompt her to be miserable because the relationship she thought was safe is now all up in the air. I think it's also very revealing that she was immediately worried about hurting and losing him whereas he didn't hesitate to put her into this horrible emotional state. I don't know him and I might be unfair but this is a red flag; he might be one of those 'fake nice' people: lovely on the surface but scratch a little and you find an opinionated & selfish core.

I think you'll end up resenting him if you move. Moving country is always going to bring challenges and if you're doing it for someone else not yourself you're going to struggle to settle and be happy there.

If he's only been back home for holidays then perhaps he has an unrealistic view of what things would be like to actually live there again. I think this is pretty common in the expat community.

I'm any case, it seems to essentially come down to this situation:
You got into a relationship with someone who was based in the same country and seemed happy there.
He now thinks he wants to move abroad.
You're considering sacrificing a lot to keep the relationship - giving him the thing he says he wants, without any certainty that it'll suit you.
He's considering going alone if you don't go with him?
And then what if it's not all he expected and he wants to uproot you again?

You could tell him to look into it himself - he needs to do this on his own - find a job, home, work out the finances. Maybe go there for a set period to see if he actually enjoys it. Once he's done that and can show you that the sums work, you'll consider it.

Some people want to live abroad and some do not and those who do not, never "get used to it". This is something most of us (I gather some do) cannot rationalize. The fact that another country may be offering better quality of life does not mean you would not long for your family, parents, friends, language and culture. It simply does not work that way.

I never wanted to leave my home-country (not UK), but had to flee because of the war. I have lived abroad for 30 years now, got married, had three kids but never stopped longing for home. The scenery, the scents, the sounds of home always make me cry. Also, I missed my parents so much and will never forgive myself for not being there when they needed me the most. And it is not just about me caring for them, but me and my kids spending time with them. These things are priceless... to me, but I realize it is not same for everyone.

They aren’t per se but when you move to another country and meet someone local to that country, I do think the onus is on you to be 100% clear from the very start if you think you will stay or you eventually want to go back. The OP has never given any indication to him she wanted to move and by all accounts until very recently he has made it clear he was staying. He has, quite abruptly, changed his mind, which I accept he’s allowed to do but she is now collateral damage as she’s potentially wasted her time on a relationship which now might not go anywhere unless she uproots her life. I think that is quite unfair and put her in the most awful of predicaments.

@cheezuz and @Sofiewoo no, I do not agree. They are not in the same position. OP met her bf in Scotland and he made her believe that he did not want to move back home. Now, out of the blue he practically gives her an ultimatum. How is that the same?

Absolutely ridiculous. It goes both ways then, don’t you think?

Neither of them are wrong.

I don't think talking about this is an issue. Sounds like a good time to have this conversation before they get married and have kids. I'm not saying that trailing spouses life is easy or something op should do. I'm saying that I don't really see anything wrong with him asking about it if he's career is the type of career that it is common.

When you speak to him, you need to foreground this. He may not have taken on board the fact that you truly love him that deeply, which may be why he is dithering about commitment to Scotland. I know it seems daft, but sometimes you have to be very explicit with men as to how you feel - my DH has to be told because in the daily grind of kids, work etc, he sometimes feels forgotten or low priority. I have to make the point of telling him - not in passing, but as a conscious, focused act - how much I and the kids love him, as he really doesn’t ‘absorb’ that from general day to day activity.

This is ridiculous, if he was her soulmate he wouldn’t want to move home? Surely the reverse is true for the OP? If he was her soulmate she would move for him.

The reality is neither is right and neither is wrong. He has got to an age where he’s considering his future and what he wants from life. Every reason OP has for staying is equally his pull to move home. One is not more valid than the other.

I know you love him and he looks like a good prospect, but honestly, is he? You met in Scotland, he told you he would consider staying there for good, and now when you were probably expecting a proposal, he comes to you and out of the blue tells you that he wants to move back home, and it does not look like it is negotiable. Now you are here deliberating whether or not you should do something you never even though about doing, you never wanted to do, so that you can be with a man who you believe is your soul mate. Well, how about this, if he was your soulmate, he would not put you in this impossible situation in the first place. I strong believe that leaving is not a good idea OP.

Live for yourself. Not for your parents. They've had their life.

I live in a different country to my very old mother. She encouraged me to go as she wanted me to live my life.

I was guilt tripped by some of my aunties. Who told me that I should be at home looking after my mum. However I stood up to the pressure and I moved abroad. And I'm very happy that I did.

My mum is old (78) and lives alone. She is fine. When she needs more care she'll go into a nursing home. I go home and visit her

Live your life for you.

@Sweetleftfood I would agree about the friendships aspect having lived in Copenhagen- also far more Danes tend to stay in the big cities and suburbs if they grew up there from what I could see - lots still had most of their relatives in Copenhagen, plus old school friends and Uni friends.

I guess as you know from your list, it's about more than the job though. Some kind of compromise could be a few years there and then move again.

My DH is Norwegian, and we'll be moving to live there within the next two years. Been together 11 years, two kids.

The decision was made to move back to Norway by both of us once I'd visited many, many times. Like 5 years in. He'd always wanted to go back, I knew that, but he was equally happy to stay in the UK if that's what it would have taken. As it happens, I love Norway and we've been spending huge chunks of the year there for the past ten years so it's a comfortable thing for me. I don't think I'd have just wanted to leave early in the relationship, though.

It also won't impact my job in any way. I WFH and don't need to be in the office. Can easily travel for monthly meetings which I do now anyway. Back then, I was early in my career and it was a joint decision to remain in the UK until I was senior and flexible.

I think you need to consider this really deeply. It could be wonderful but it could also be the complete opposite.

I'm also an author outside of my day job. Hi! 😁

I think it's easy for people with no experience to say 'Go for it! The UK is rubbish/elsewhere is much better.'

But the kind of life you lead when you marry someone from the country is not usually led in an expat bubble. If you end up in their home town, far from the opportunities a capital or very large city can offer, I imagine it can be a lonely life if you don't speak the language.

Even when you do it's hard to have to keep making new friends and facilitating house moves as a trailing spouse. This has been my experience, albeit within one country. And I was fortunate to have diplomas and a career. I put it on a back burner for several years but I'm doing well now. It's what has allowed me to leave my marriage and stay here independently. I dread to think what my life woukd have looked like had I not had that, or a near native proficiency in the language.

Also I would say many women lose their identity to some extent throughout the child-rearing years, even when they stay in their own country. When you're far from home it's compounded.

Trust your gut instinct on this, OP. I was young and naive when I made the choice I did. And I'd had quite an unhappy childhood, so I made the decision to stay quite willingly.

You are older and wiser. You have a full and happy life. A strong sense of self. The way you're questioning all this shows that you have good boundaries.

I'm not saying leave him, but you and your dreams and aspirations are equal to his. You have to be able to make it work for both of you.

I think it’s this forum that has really opened my eyes to this, and my own experiences of ex pat life to some degree. I think for it to work most have to have very little here in the U.K. to begin with, as it can be very tough in the long term.

We have seen them for years on this forum. In dire straits overseas with no right to return without leaving their dc behind, it’s utterly heartbreaking. They don’t have a legal leg to stand on either.

It’s even worse if you are unable to work. You are then really dependent too. I can’t imagine a more difficult scenario than being charged with kidnapping because you really can’t bear the life you have anymore in a foreign country or having your children forcibly removed.

I think your last paragraph is definitely your answer, because if a child isn't worth uprooting for then he won't be either. I don't think moving means you give up your entire identity, but if that is how you feel then it definitely needs to be a hard no from you on this relationship. He might agree to stay with you in Scotland, but it won't be without resentment and then it's just not worth it. You need to find someone who wants the same life you do, you still have time and you sound like a sensible and likeable person.

Yeah, there are a lot of women trapped abroad because their children's father won't let them move back home with the children, who can't earn their own money because their qualifications aren't recognised/they don't speak the language/they aren't allowed to work.

You don’t see op losing her financial independence and her identity by becoming a trailing spouse to support his aspirations as an issue or giving up anything?

As a trailing spouse it’s often impossible to work at all, and you don’t see that op might lose so much of what she has worked all of her life for as a problem?
Least of all her ability to earn and save should the relationship not go the distance?

I don't think anyone is wrong here. I don't see him doing a bait and switch and I don't see him really demanding anything. I think a lot of these comments could be said about either of them. They've been together for a bit over a year so this is the point to have these discussions. I don't really see threats, ultimatums or demands. Two people have preferences that might be delayed breakers and they're talking about them and asking questions.

I'm really struggling to see some of his comments about being prepared to be the breadwinner to give you time to write as him demanding anything?

Go. Don't be tied to your parents.

I don't see why you would be shocked that he brought the conversation up, he is not from the UK and of course he is going to think of his future if he is prepared to sacrifice (as you put it) his family.

I was him and I chose UK, I have regretted not being able to move back 'home' now and again but all in all I am happy here and would never leave my kids and move. But it is a big deal both for him and you, you only seem to see your side in this. He hasn't given you an ultimatum but it may come. This is something you need to talk about before kids and maybe be open to try it. Arguably it is easier for him to stay here as he has the language and the experience. As a Scandinavian I don't think it would be easy to move as an adult to a scandi country. We tend to be quite closed off so that friendship groups etc are difficult to penetrate especially if you don't work.

Good luck with any decisions you make