He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

What an odd thing to say, the power is with him. Your sister is an adult who decided to move to another country herself. If it is a power thing, maybe rethink the relationship, or as an adult woman decide to take back the power by learning the language of the country she is in. Especially if she has children. It’s rude not to, and instead expect everyone else to fit in with you.

I think in your situation I might be tempted to call his bluff. Say you would like to start trying for a child as soon as possible - like this year. Than guage his reaction. If he comes back to the 2-3 year discussion, ‘maybe but see how it goes’, or ‘l need to be in Denmark’, what is he waiting for? He said himself he can’t move back within the next 2-3 years. Tell him your biological clock won’t wait forever and if you then have issues in 3 years you run the risk of possibly never having children. Don’t let him run down your clock by default. Either he sees you as his life partner, children and all, irrespective of geography, or he does not. Better to know now if it is the latter.

Your points has nothing to do with Denmark specifically though. That's just what it's like when you relocate and it is going to be much harder to feel integrated if you don't speak the language.

Maybe your sister should learn the language. It’s what people moving to the UK have to do. I had to. My DH had to learn my language when we moved here. No problems fitting in then.

If you lived abroad and came back because of family, then don't go to Denmark. I left my home country 20 years ago, never wanted to go back and don't miss it. Some people miss home and family, and it sounds like that's your case.

Why don’t you start learning at least some Danish? Phrases and words. Before you have children. It may also show him in some way that his culture won’t be lost in the future if you decide to have kids and stay in Scotland.

You will need to learn the language anyway if you have children, so might as well start now when it’s easier.

I haven't said a word against him, nor would i. But it is OP who is posting from a womans point of view and it is women who give birth to children! So my view as a woman is firmly from a womans point of view.

No way would I do it. I met a lovely local man that I was absolutely weak for at 25 and it was with this in mind that stopped me getting serious with him. I didn't want to permanently live there with the complication of children.

Great if it works out, unfortunately for many, despite loving their partner it is a huge sounce of private regret.

At the very very least OP should live there a couple of years, building a life to see if she likes it, before having children.

I loved when I lived, but still didn't want to have a family there.

I think I was very lucky to have had those women be so frank in their conversation with me as it was hugely impactful to me and kept me from being led by my heart, instead of my head.

@Stanwyck do you actually mean that you would consider moving to Denmark after a few years of having children? Because you saying that will sound like a promise in his ears because he is so keen on the idea and if you are actually very, very unlikely to ever want to move to Denmark with the kids then you should tell him that. It's not really fair to give him a half-promise that you have no intention of keeping.

Perhaps you need to push further and ask him how he thinks having kids in the next 2-3 years fits in with having them in Denmark, which he says he wants to do, if he also says he plans to stay in the UK for the next ten years for his career. Only two of these things can both happen if you remain together as a couple, not three.

The options are:

• You have kids in the next 2-3 years whilst living in the UK and maybe move to Denmark later. (Having kids in Denmark falls by the wayside.)

• You move to Denmark and have kids there 2-3 years from now. (Staying in London for the next 10 years for his career falls by the wayside.)

• He stays in London for the next 10 years and then moves to Denmark before having kids. (Having kids in the next 2-3 years falls by the wayside, and having kids with you at all probably does.)

If you put it like that, which of the three ideas would he drop? Living in London for 10 more years? Moving back to Denmark before having kids? Or having kids with you in the next 2-3 years?

If it's the last option then the relationship doesn't work for you and you need to break up.

If it's the first option then you're back to the dilemma in your OP, which is that you don't know if you're willing to move to Denmark.

When you lay it all out like this, it looks very much like he either commits to having kids in the UK in the next 2-3 years and puts the idea of Denmark on the back burner and accepts that it might never happen, or you go your separate ways.

I find it odd that he talks about wanting kids and has such fixed ideas about how they should be raised that he particularly wants to be in Denmark and not the UK, but also talks about wanting to be in London for the next ten years. Even if he knows in his heart that he's not going to do any of this stuff with you and is just future faking, you'd think he'd want to get back to Denmark sooner than that so he can meet the Danish mother of his future children rather than leave it until he's in his mid 40s. Something doesn't add up.

Your first priority needs to be to establish whether he is future faking or not.

I do find it slightly odd you don’t go back regularly so would already know the country well and have a good idea if you would like the culture or not. It is a very short flight as it isn’t like they live in Australia.

my DH’s family live 3 hours from us and before we had children we went back at least once a month to see them. Less so as kids got older due to weekend activities but I’d say I know his hometown as well as my own at this point.

Huh? Does he understand that staying in the UK for the next ten years, and moving back to Denmark to have children, and having children with you, are not compatible? You'll be 43 in ten years' time. Nobody who is serious about wanting children starts TTC when the woman is 43.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about whether he actually wants to have a future with you at all. Because this sounds like not only is he set on moving back to Denmark eventually, he's in absolutely no rush to have children with you. But at 33 you need to start moving in that direction pretty soon.

Take Denmark out of the equation for a minute. What is his timeline for having kids, and what is yours?

If your timelines don't match up then the question of Denmark is irrelevant because you should be looking to move on and meet someone else anyway.

Ah, I really feel for you — I’m also in an international couple and an only child, so I totally get where you’re coming from. I had a similar situation early on with my now-husband. About six months into the relationship, I told him I couldn’t see myself living in his country (where we met) forever, and that long term, I’d want to move back home to be closer to my parents.

Thankfully, he completely understood and was on board. We’ve since moved to my home country and are really happy here. It wasn’t an easy thing to bring up, but I’m so glad we had that conversation early — it saved a lot of stress and “what ifs” later down the line.

As hard as it is, it is great that you’re having these big conversations now. I know how hard it is to even think about being far from ageing parents, especially as an only child. You’re definitely not alone in feeling torn.

Sending lots of love — these decisions are so hard, but being honest with yourself and each other is the best place to start.

@kersh33 you're spot on. He got to the point of proposing and realised he couldn't face never moving back.
OP conversely just presumed he'd stay in the UK which is maybe a lack of foresight.

I would say as one half of an international couple that this kind of thing is quite common. It’s very hard for lots of people to permanently move to another country and in international couples at least one has to make the sacrifice. Having children often concentrates people’s minds as often you want your children to have the same upbringing you did as well as the same cultural touchpoints etc….

There’s no getting around it and someone - either you or DP - is going to have to give something up if you want to stay together long term. It’s an unfortunate fact of life with international couples and I’ve seen it be the source of friction for so many couples. In reality there is unlikely to be a middle ground that makes you both happy, so you will need to decide what to do. My take based on the length of your relationship and your complete unfamiliarity with Denmark is that it’s a big ask for you to move but I also think your DP sounds like he will not be happy to stay in Scotland long term so this may be a dealbreaker for you both.

Yes this is very true but you also have plenty of people (like OP's partner) who move here and meet someone British and then feel equally stuck. This is the situation OP's partner is in and this is the situation my DH is in. Everything you say about women who've moved abroad, regret their decision and feel like outsiders applies to the people who move here and fall in love.
It's easy to say "Well they shouldn't get involved with a British person if they don't want to stay here!" but feelings aren't black and white like that. Life is messy and complicated, especially when you fall in love.
My DH came here as a student and fully intended to return to his country after he'd finished his studies. However, he met me and fell in love and I've always refused to move. So it's DH who's stuck here, feeling like an outsider (especially in recent years as the UK has become more xenophobic and racism has increased. He now feels pretty uncomfortable here at times).
He is not wrong to feel like this. He's not a bad person for falling in love with me. I'm not wrong for wanting to stay here and raise our family here. It's just a sad situation. My brother's have both married Europeans too and their partners have an equally strong yearning to return to their countries and my brothers are determined to stay here.
What I'm saying is that no one is wrong to feel how they feel. Anyone who gets involved with a foreign person should be aware that these issues and feelings will inevitably arise. You will very often end up with one person who's deeply unhappy about where they're living - and that's shit.

I lived in mainland Europe for 12 years and met so many women who had children with locals and all regretted settling there.
They got on with life, cared for their husbands but without exception all said they would not do it again.
They have good lives there, comfortable MC lives and have friends, work etc.

But they said the longer it goes on the stronger they feel it, being an outsider.

Obviously their children don't feel that and their husbands have family, relatives, life long friends around them.

None of the husbands will move, so they remain stuck.

Not a chance in hell I would do it.

Move for a year if you want to try it out, but get stuck their with a child unable to leave? Madness

You are handing over control of your life to someone else by having children with them in a foreign country.
Madness IMO.

As for which country is 'better' - look at the US, look at all the countries being thrown into disarray once dickheads get into power, look at pandemics, wars etc. No one knows what's around the corner. A country that's thriving one minute might end up under attack of various kinds the next. Who knows who might be in power in either country in 10-20 years time? Who knows what prosperity will look like? There are so many unknowns in this day and age that going by the better 'prospects' right now feels a tad naive.