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Original poster

He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

315 replies

Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 16:05

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:35

To be honest, I just don’t know what I want to do. I might love Denmark but what if I don’t? What if I hate living near his family and miss my own so much I realise it wasn’t worth it?

Alternatively I might love it. It’s meant to be a great place to raise children.

I do keep thinking about what happens in say, 20 years, when my parents need help. My mother needed to be there for her own mother regularly. I’d have to accept not being able to do that.

OP posts:
Almostwelsh · 30/03/2025 17:33

If you don't want to move don't do it. You will resent him and nothing kills a relationship faster than resentment. You could end up stuck over there if you have kids, as you won't be able to bring them to live in the UK without his permission.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:33

For the record, I will have dual citizenship by the end of this year hopefully, as I will also have Irish citizenship, providing more options.

He stated he hasn’t closed the door to living in Scotland when I made it clear this needs to be an option for me if we remain together.He also said he’s open to Ireland depending on work possibilities. But it’s clear his country is the preference.

OP posts:
MrsCastle · 30/03/2025 17:32

Denmark is not far away!

annoyedandbored · 30/03/2025 17:30

Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:21

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand another concern I have is children.

He is keen for us to have children in Denmark whereas I’d rather have them here even if we do move there in the end. Part of the reason is that apparently it would be hard to ever bring kids back here if relationship broke down due ti Hague convention.

I’d need to look into it more. I also have only been to Denmark once so far. I don’t feel I can make a decision without more time there anyway.

You'd need to never move if you have children regardless of if they're born in the UK as once they're classed as living in Denmark it'll be impossible to move back when you split up

YourChicShark · 30/03/2025 17:29

Do you have an EU passport? If not, be aware that post-Brexit it’s incredibly difficult for British people to move to Denmark unless your occupation is on the priority recruitment list. Being married isn’t a guarantee either. There’s a really helpful Facebook group British in Denmark which has lots of lovely helpful people. Denmark is a really child-friendly country and the work-life balance is great, there’s lots to like. You should definitely visit again before making a decision. Happy to answer questions.

Loopytiles · 30/03/2025 17:29

So I’d be laying cards on the table like @cheezncrackers and prepared to walk away.

Loopytiles · 30/03/2025 17:28

The ring thing is weird and seems a kind of ultimatum, saying he’s unwilling to marry, have DC etc with you in the UK but asking you to move to his country to do so.

At 33 and wanting DC you have other options but possibly not loads of time.

presumably you don’t speak the language so your job options there could be limited.

It’s likely that if you had DC there and later broke up you wouldn’t be able to return to the UK to live with the DC without his agreement.

Those and your wanting to be near family would be reasons to end the relationship, for me.

Nameftgigb · 30/03/2025 17:24

The first thing I was going to say is do you want children. Some of the posts on here are horrendous where women have been trapped abroad, or even lost their children due to being in a country with no women’s rights

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:21

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand another concern I have is children.

He is keen for us to have children in Denmark whereas I’d rather have them here even if we do move there in the end. Part of the reason is that apparently it would be hard to ever bring kids back here if relationship broke down due ti Hague convention.

I’d need to look into it more. I also have only been to Denmark once so far. I don’t feel I can make a decision without more time there anyway.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 30/03/2025 17:11

Scotland isn't that far away from Denmark. If you had to, you could fly to Scotland to see your parents or they could visit you. If you give it a go, you can always change your mind. I think you should look into it. Ask him to tell you all the good things about living in Denmark. How would it affect your work? Leave your parents to one side. Focus on pros and cons of each country.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 16:44

@Sunnydays25 thanks.

I actually lived abroad for years and partly came back to be with family. We are close and I see them regularly - in an ideal world, I’d prefer to have children here. I live in Scotland and did have a good upbringing.

I do also worry about regretting leaving my
whole life behind. I know I’d be starting a new one. Just not sure how to decide.

Clearly I might close him forever if m not up for doing this.

OP posts:
Sunnydays25 · 30/03/2025 16:28

I'm a single parent and I wouldn't want my DS to feel that he had live near me to look after me in the future, I would want him to live his life the way he wanted to.

Denmark isn't too far from the UK, good quality of life, and I imagine a great place to bring up kids.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 16:27

@cheezncrackers thank you. 1 1/2 years.

it was a bit of a shock to hear but he’s been thinking about it for a few weeks.

The main sticking point for me is my parents. The thought of not being there for them if/when they are sick and old. Having children and them not being close to their grandparents.

Ive been in other relationships but this is I’m the only I’ve been in where I’ve been able to imagine a life with kids. He’d make a great father and we love each other. At 33 there is no guarantee I’d meet someone else either. I’m sure in Denmark they’d have a better quality of life.

Another smaller part of me does acknowledge what if I did meet something else here. There are no guarantees…

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 30/03/2025 16:17

Take your time to think about this OP. My DH and I are also from different countries and right from the start I told him that I didn't want to live long-term in his country (it's not an European country) and that if he wanted to return in the future for good, then that was okay, but we should go our separate ways. 20-odd years down the line I'm very glad that I laid my cards on the table at the start, because it got that conversation out of the way - a conversation that every international couple must have at some point.

How long have you been with your bf? You say his comments came out of the blue, so I'm assuming quite a while. People can and do change their minds about things and maybe this is something that he's only just realised that he's sure about, but remember that this is your choice too. I know at least three couples who broke up over which country to live in. Two were before they had kids, the other ones had three kids when the woman realised how desperately homesick and miserable she was and that she just couldn't do it any more. Don't rush making your decision. Love is not enough on its own.