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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband getting married

663 replies

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 15:53

Separated 13 years, no contact since children came of age, separated as a result of dv. I was informed today that he is getting Married next week .
Should i inform someone in authority?
Aibu if i report him, i was delighted when he moved on so not upset he is getting married,but im astounded because we are not divorced!

OP posts:
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5
JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 01/04/2025 12:20

I don’t think it would have made the slightest difference if you had put you were from Ireland. You put the DV in the opening post and people are quite happy ignoring that.

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 01/04/2025 12:20

RampantIvy · 01/04/2025 12:13

No need to apologise. I'm sorry you have had so many lazy posters replying on here.

Just do what is best for you. Will your DC go to the wedding?

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I am not sure in all honesty i cannot involve myself in conversations as they are all adults .
1 i have to protect myself
2 i do not want to influence them, they will have to learn from there own mistakes or not.
3 the whole marriage ending was very traumatic i cannot and do not want to even think about him ever again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 01/04/2025 12:14

RampantIvy · 01/04/2025 09:46

Although, I think we might have avoided all the "cancel the cheque" posts if the OP had stated in her first post that she is in Ireland.

This is a mainly British site and I think it is important to state that you aren't in Britain when asking for any kind of advice that requires the input of outside agencies.

I agree that not reading updates is lazy though.

I have addressed this , my bad!

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 01/04/2025 12:13

Grassisalotgreener · 01/04/2025 12:11

RampantIvy
My bad, first timer poster, i should have stated which country BUT that does not account for readers who cannot be arsed to read all my posts before replying.

Jeez i am a real person with feelings and would never suggest that a woman put herself in the firing line of an abusive man.
I also wouldnt be offering my opinions on a public forum if i hadnt been bothered to read the "facts".

No need to apologise. I'm sorry you have had so many lazy posters replying on here.

Just do what is best for you. Will your DC go to the wedding?

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 01/04/2025 12:11

RampantIvy
My bad, first timer poster, i should have stated which country BUT that does not account for readers who cannot be arsed to read all my posts before replying.

Jeez i am a real person with feelings and would never suggest that a woman put herself in the firing line of an abusive man.
I also wouldnt be offering my opinions on a public forum if i hadnt been bothered to read the "facts".

OP posts:
Cactusmad · 01/04/2025 12:10

So sorry this has landed at your door. You seem certain you don’t want to him in your life and his actions have stirred up emotions from the past . You said he was violent and left you penniless. The wedding is his doing and that you are having to face the past again .His actions are that his not yours . You sound like you have lots of things in place already and due to financial difficulties you can’t divorce yet . You have been proactive and built a life after domestic violence. That takes strength and resilience. This is his mess .

pollymere · 01/04/2025 11:59

Best of luck OP... Hopefully for the sake of the bride someone will stand up when they ask about legal impediments.

Psychoticbreak · 01/04/2025 11:50

Discombobble · 01/04/2025 11:33

There seem to be an awful lot of people on this thread who a) can’t read and b) have no understanding of DV!

Or geography. Or history in fact.

Neversayit · 01/04/2025 11:40

MikeRafone · 01/04/2025 11:28

because the thread had more posts added whilst I was writing my reply

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From OP? Saying she was in Ireland? No.

Discombobble · 01/04/2025 11:33

There seem to be an awful lot of people on this thread who a) can’t read and b) have no understanding of DV!

MikeRafone · 01/04/2025 11:28

Neversayit · 01/04/2025 09:45

But why not read all OP’s posts before first replying? I don’t understand why people don’t do that, as it really doesn’t make sense not to.

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because the thread had more posts added whilst I was writing my reply

GertieET · 01/04/2025 11:18

Regretsmorethanafew · 01/04/2025 11:16

Yes, you've said it three times that she needs to report him. Even though, quite clearly, she does not have to do any such thing.
Which part are you struggling with?

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well then why is she asking the question? In the first post she asked if she should report it and to whom? So I have given my opinion. If she has now backtracked on her first post then fine but I missed that 😬

Regretsmorethanafew · 01/04/2025 11:16

GertieET · 01/04/2025 10:28

And again neither did I but I found a way. I did it all myself no solicitors. He is also partly responsible. Forgetting the divorce then...he is spending money getting married even for a basic marriage in a county office it's going to cost similar amount to a divorce application.
He can therefore afford to get divorced if he can afford to get married. She needs to report him. I have said this three times and yet everyone is just highlighting everything else and not the real issue at hand. That HE is breaking the law.

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Yes, you've said it three times that she needs to report him. Even though, quite clearly, she does not have to do any such thing.
Which part are you struggling with?

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 01/04/2025 11:13

llizzie · 01/04/2025 01:42

Well we shall just have to wait and see, won't we?

Either she tells the authorities, or she doesn't.

Does it matter anyway?

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It matters if the OP decides she wants to remarry at some point.

Psychoticbreak · 01/04/2025 11:00

@GertieET they arent the same no. It took me 7 years to get my own divorce. Both needed solicitors and took so long cos he simply did not want to comply. In the end he caved but it had to go to court. Cost him a lot too in the end just for saying no all them times. Asshole.

GertieET · 01/04/2025 10:58

Psychoticbreak · 01/04/2025 10:34

@GertieET everyone including the OP knows he is the one breaking the law however she has said she cannot afford a divorce. This is Ireland where divorces cost thousands and you cannot get a diy divorce without his agreement which means she has to contact her abuser to ask for it and he will not give it. He is willing to commit bigamy so clearly not one to be talked around. The laws are different in Ireland. It really is not as simple as you seem to think.

Well, I don't know the law there so that's fair enough but usually women who are victim to DV will be protected.
As I say my ex didn't agree. I didn't need to ask him for a divorce. I just applied to the court and they sent a bailiff. He still refused to sign the papers. That is why it took over two years. I had to show that he was aware of the application but refused to sign. After that they granted the divorce anyway and didn't need his signature at all.
But I appreciate they may not do things the same there.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/04/2025 10:57

GertieET · 01/04/2025 10:54

He isn't going to know she is the one who reported it.

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She's unwilling to take that risk.

There's every chance that the truth will come out at the wedding ceremony, however, given that he's had the audacity to invite his children.

GertieET · 01/04/2025 10:54

WearyAuldWumman · 01/04/2025 10:36

Yes, he is breaking the law - and the OP is scared to report him because he is a violent man.

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He isn't going to know she is the one who reported it.

2JFDIYOLO · 01/04/2025 10:41

Depends if you feel his fiancée has a right to know.

I would hope someone would warn me before I married a soon to be bigamist who is dangerous.

But your own safety matters. Are your children independent confident adults? Might they be able to warn her? Or simply remind him there's an admin step he needs to take? Keep it casual?

WearyAuldWumman · 01/04/2025 10:36

GertieET · 01/04/2025 10:28

And again neither did I but I found a way. I did it all myself no solicitors. He is also partly responsible. Forgetting the divorce then...he is spending money getting married even for a basic marriage in a county office it's going to cost similar amount to a divorce application.
He can therefore afford to get divorced if he can afford to get married. She needs to report him. I have said this three times and yet everyone is just highlighting everything else and not the real issue at hand. That HE is breaking the law.

Show quote history

Yes, he is breaking the law - and the OP is scared to report him because he is a violent man.

Psychoticbreak · 01/04/2025 10:34

@GertieET everyone including the OP knows he is the one breaking the law however she has said she cannot afford a divorce. This is Ireland where divorces cost thousands and you cannot get a diy divorce without his agreement which means she has to contact her abuser to ask for it and he will not give it. He is willing to commit bigamy so clearly not one to be talked around. The laws are different in Ireland. It really is not as simple as you seem to think.

GertieET · 01/04/2025 10:28

WearyAuldWumman · 01/04/2025 10:23

The OP has explained several times: she does not have the required funds.

Show quote history

And again neither did I but I found a way. I did it all myself no solicitors. He is also partly responsible. Forgetting the divorce then...he is spending money getting married even for a basic marriage in a county office it's going to cost similar amount to a divorce application.
He can therefore afford to get divorced if he can afford to get married. She needs to report him. I have said this three times and yet everyone is just highlighting everything else and not the real issue at hand. That HE is breaking the law.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/04/2025 10:23

GertieET · 01/04/2025 10:21

It took me a while to but it isn't a reason not to get divorced. Either way in the majority of 1st world countries what he is doing is illegal. She needs to address that given its just a week away.
She can then file for divorce alongside that. Why stay married to someone when he is moving on? It took me 14 years but at least it's done.

Show quote history

The OP has explained several times: she does not have the required funds.

GertieET · 01/04/2025 10:21

Psychoticbreak · 01/04/2025 10:14

Because she is in Ireland where it can take years, sometimes decades to get divorced and the process is vastly different to the UK.

Show quote history

It took me a while to but it isn't a reason not to get divorced. Either way in the majority of 1st world countries what he is doing is illegal. She needs to address that given its just a week away.
She can then file for divorce alongside that. Why stay married to someone when he is moving on? It took me 14 years but at least it's done.

Psychoticbreak · 01/04/2025 10:14

GertieET · 01/04/2025 09:55

Report it definitely! I separated from my abusive ex in 2008. Due to my circumstances I couldn't afford a divorce until 2020. Then with Covid there were delays and it took a further 2 years until it was finalised. My current partner and I want to get married and I knew I had to get a divorce first.
It is 100% illegal and highly unlikely you will be divorced in a week before the wedding! The average divorce is about 6 months.

Why don't you apply to the courts to get divorced? You can request on the form that he pays half. I am assuming your kids are older and therefore it should be pretty straight forward. Meanwhile speak to the county where he will be getting married as they can advise on who to report it to.

Because she is in Ireland where it can take years, sometimes decades to get divorced and the process is vastly different to the UK.

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