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Original poster

Husband getting married

663 replies

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 15:53

Separated 13 years, no contact since children came of age, separated as a result of dv. I was informed today that he is getting Married next week .
Should i inform someone in authority?
Aibu if i report him, i was delighted when he moved on so not upset he is getting married,but im astounded because we are not divorced!

OP posts:
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5
ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 30/03/2025 18:17

If you fear hassle/violence/harassment etc I’d be tempted to keep quiet. Look after yourself here.

To everyone here - what would happen to OP legally if she did nothing? Would she be in trouble?

Talkinpeace · 30/03/2025 18:14

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:07

Ok too many to reply singular.
Im feeling confused and wee bit fragile today, so go easy on me.
Im in Irish Republic, he left me homeless and penniless with young children, took no responsibilty for his actions. I concentrated on my children and rebuilding our home, i worked my arse off to "fix" everything he broke including our children.
I am in family home he knows the address , no divorce papers have been delivered, no confusion as to whether he thinks he is divorced. A drunken phone call/ texts last year about divorce that went on / off for 5 hours, threatened to call guards.
NO divorce papers arrived
I am lucky i survived his assault and i am not in any haste to upset him, i am a strong independant woman and i know how to survive, so not in a hurry to kick up any shit.

I do wish more people would read what you have actually said.

If you wanted to be brutal, have a quick chat to a solicitor and get the divorce papers served on him at the 'wedding'

That way you are releasing him
while also not dragging him back into your life
while also making a point

BUT
the key thing is to get your divorce finalised ASAP so that you can no longer be dragged into his orbit.
A few hundred pounds on a solicitor invested now
will pay good returns

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:10

Kitchensinktoday · 30/03/2025 18:06

Assuming that you are both British nationals and were married in the UK…
Going by my own experience, I had to provide my decree absolute from my first marriage when booking the registrar for my second marriage.

Same here. In which case I wonder if it’s a commitment ceremony, although what’s the point of that?!

Republic of Ireland

OP posts:
Washingupdone · 30/03/2025 18:08

Go to a solicitor, in the free half hour they give, to see where you stand. Or phone the citizens advice bureau, if it is a different country. He wouldn’t know unless you or the DCs told him,

If he wants a legal marriage he will want a divorce, therefore he will pay at no cost to you, as he will not want any upset.

His future wife probably wouldn’t want to marry him if it wasn’t a real commitment, to be fair to her she is probably innocent.

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:07

Ok too many to reply singular.
Im feeling confused and wee bit fragile today, so go easy on me.
Im in Irish Republic, he left me homeless and penniless with young children, took no responsibilty for his actions. I concentrated on my children and rebuilding our home, i worked my arse off to "fix" everything he broke including our children.
I am in family home he knows the address , no divorce papers have been delivered, no confusion as to whether he thinks he is divorced. A drunken phone call/ texts last year about divorce that went on / off for 5 hours, threatened to call guards.
NO divorce papers arrived
I am lucky i survived his assault and i am not in any haste to upset him, i am a strong independant woman and i know how to survive, so not in a hurry to kick up any shit.

OP posts:
Kitchensinktoday · 30/03/2025 18:06

Assuming that you are both British nationals and were married in the UK…
Going by my own experience, I had to provide my decree absolute from my first marriage when booking the registrar for my second marriage.

Same here. In which case I wonder if it’s a commitment ceremony, although what’s the point of that?!

KIlliePieMyOhMy · 30/03/2025 18:06

you phone 101, it's a police matter.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/03/2025 18:00

Rightsraptor · 30/03/2025 17:13

OP - look after yourself first and foremost. If this man will threaten you or be violent towards you if you make it known that he's still married to you then keep quiet.

If he attempts to contract a legal marriage with another person while still married, he'll be committing (attempted) bigamy. That's on him. If they're just having some non-legal commitment ceremony, it's not a marriage.

My thoughts exactly.

UndermyShoeJoe · 30/03/2025 17:59

Is it bad that I’d of just kept my mouth shut and my will safe tight…

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 30/03/2025 17:58

Honestly I would do nothing.

I know that sounds crass because there are other people involved here, but if the risk to your safety is there if he finds out you told then it’s not a risk worth taking, even if it does mean he’s committed bigamy. It’s not your problem to resolve.

Ooorhead · 30/03/2025 17:53

What financial control does he have over you?

Ooorhead · 30/03/2025 17:52

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 30/03/2025 17:42

They probably assume he is divorced. it has been 13 years.

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And you don’t think they would be the slightest bit curious

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 17:51

Talkinpeace · 30/03/2025 17:13

This is a KEY point.

OP has stated DV and financial control.
He is out of her life.
Stirring up about the wedding will bring him back into her life
which is A BAD THING

If you are in Northern Ireland, phone 101 and leave the authorities to deal.
If you are in the Republic, contact the Gardai and see what they suggest

Show quote history

Hallelujah, this exactly.

OP posts:
IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 17:46

Justcoffee · 30/03/2025 17:41

Just seen you said you were in Ireland... I wonder is it a handfasting ceremony? I know someone else who did this because she was still legally married.

Show quote history

Secular ceremonies are legal in the Republic of Ireland. The OP hasn't specified if she's in NI or the Republic but both recognise humanist ceremonies as long as the celebrant is officially permitted to conduct marriages.

Religious and secular marriage ceremonies

Description of religious and secular marriage ceremonies and the rules that apply to all marriage ceremonies in Ireland.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/getting-married/religious-and-secular-marriage-ceremonies/

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 30/03/2025 17:45

Inform the registrar?

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 30/03/2025 17:42

Ooorhead · 30/03/2025 16:00

Ok
and so he’s obviously not least bit ashamed
what’s their response?

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They probably assume he is divorced. it has been 13 years.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 17:41

Wouldn't that depend on the ceremony and/or status of the registrar/celebrant?

The celebrant has to be officially licenced as a celebrant- not all are, even in Scotland, but if the celebrant is licenced and in Scotland or NI the marriage is legal.

Justcoffee · 30/03/2025 17:41

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 16:47

We are in Ireland, its been a bit of a shock today and havent had time to digest and fact find.

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Just seen you said you were in Ireland... I wonder is it a handfasting ceremony? I know someone else who did this because she was still legally married.

PrettyPickle · 30/03/2025 17:40

In Northern Ireland, it is not possible to get divorced entirely without the other party knowing. The divorce process requires that the respondent (the other spouse) is served with the divorce petition. If the respondent cannot be located, the petitioner can apply to the court for alternative methods of service, such as substituted service or dispensing with service, but the court must be satisfied that reasonable efforts have been made to notify the other party.
To check if you are divorced, you can request a copy of the decree absolute from the court where the divorce was granted. If you do not know the court or case details, you can contact the Royal Courts of Justice in Belfast or the relevant court office to conduct a search. You may need to provide personal details and pay a fee for the search.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/03/2025 17:38

ApolloandDaphne · 30/03/2025 16:42

A humanist ceremony is still a legal marriage.

As others have said, not in England and Wales. Ex and I had to have a register office ceremony alongside our humanist ceremony.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/03/2025 17:34

@Grassisalotgreener I am petty and I wouldnt say anything just yet. I would wait until he was married and then report him for bigamy but my ex was an abusive violent bastard too so I have no guilt in serving up a nice big dollop of "fuck you" if I can.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/03/2025 17:32

SoInLuv · 30/03/2025 17:17

Yeah, I thought after 6 years but there is some sort of paperwork to do, still. Not sure!

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So the old rules meant that you could divorce after 2 years seperation if both parties agree. If not then after 5 years seperation one party can divorce the other without their consent. That my be what you are thinking of.

But a divorce with decrees Nisi and Absolute does still need to be done and will usually take several months even without property, finances or kids to wrangle over.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/03/2025 17:31

gottakeeponmoving · 30/03/2025 16:25

No crime has been committed yet. If the marriage goes ahead and it is ‘real marriage’ with an official registrar present as opposed to a making promises under a flowery arch in a field type thing then yes you should absolutely report it.

Your children can find out more on the day.
Until then there is nothing to report.

Really? Don't they have to do the bans or something? Wouldn't there be a question about being free to marry when arranging the wedding?

anothernameanotherplanet · 30/03/2025 17:28

ApolloandDaphne · 30/03/2025 16:42

A humanist ceremony is still a legal marriage.

Wouldn't that depend on the ceremony and/or status of the registrar/celebrant?

To be divorced through lack of contact? I'm not sure if it's as simple as that - no Christmas cards for 7 years sort of thing.

The assumption is that the other partner is dead and that's why there's been no contact? don't you have to do searches/swear oaths etc.

But he knows you are still around - he's in contact with your/his children.

Ooorhead · 30/03/2025 17:28

CaramelVanilla · 30/03/2025 17:27

What is this "archaic rule" that ties you to him?

Spousal maintenance I reckon that he continues to have to pay to the op