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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mothers’ Day is not ‘nothing to do with husbands’.

91 replies

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:18

I don’t agree Mothers’ Day is for DC to take full responsibility, and nothing to do with husbands.
When our firstborn was an infant, I asked DH what he’d do if I fell under a bus (overthinker!). DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him! Needless to say I firmly pointed out there were lots of alternatives to that, moving back in with his parents for help, getting a nanny etc.

However it’s pretty clear he only has DC (which he wanted) because I enabled that. I carried them. I jiggled work around them. I kept them
Physically alive, to the detriment of my own body. I prioritised them. Alone, he wouldn’t have coped.

I feel he should recognise that on mother's day. All the posts that say dads aren’t responsible for celebrating the mum of their dc are a bit stingy, honestly. AIBU?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 30/03/2025 14:47

I would assume your DH is joking!! Or was he deadly serious?

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 14:47

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 30/03/2025 14:45

This was 30 years ago, men as single parents were invisible.

Do you mean men as lone parents? What do you mean invisible? Do you think it was standard for fathers to put their children into care if their mother died? Because that’s nonsense.

Of course it's nonsense.

There were plenty of widowers raising their own children.

Perhaps they were 'invisible' because they weren't making a song and dance about it.

Megifer · 30/03/2025 14:47

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:38

He simply couldn’t imagine what to do if he was on his own.

He’s actually been a great dad, apart from a couple of blind spots over the years that I’ve needed to keep an eye on and plug the gaps.

He's not a great dad if he'd say that awful thing he did. He's a top class shit. How your mothering instincts didn't kick in making you metaphorically tear him apart in rage then get rid of his useless arse i have no idea.

inappropriateraspberry · 30/03/2025 14:47

Does he not love his own child to take full responsibility for him? He is disgusting.

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 14:46

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:44

He wouldn’t have. He just needed me to tell him, that first time, that he was an idiot and of course he was not to do that. I spelled out his alternatives and he could see it would work.

This is a man who would go hungry at lunch time if the cheese and peanut butter sandwich makings were not available. He has had the same lunch every day for about 35 years, unless we are on holiday. That’s different, apparently.

Show quote history

He wouldn’t have. He just needed me to tell him, that first time, that he was an idiot and of course he was not to do that. I spelled out his alternatives and he could see it would work.

A so called father had to be told not to put his kids up for adoption if you died?

Righto.

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 30/03/2025 14:45

This was 30 years ago, men as single parents were invisible.

Do you mean men as lone parents? What do you mean invisible? Do you think it was standard for fathers to put their children into care if their mother died? Because that’s nonsense.

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 14:44

Megifer · 30/03/2025 14:42

"DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him!"

The fuck have I just read?? Sorry op I stopped reading your post after that gem. He must have a solid gold dick for you to stay with him.

Oh there was another gem that blamed undiagnosed autism 🙄

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:44

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 14:42

And yet you had more than one with him, knowing if you died and they were grieving you, he (I can't bring myself to call him their dad) would put them up for adoption?

Mind blowing.

Show quote history

He wouldn’t have. He just needed me to tell him, that first time, that he was an idiot and of course he was not to do that. I spelled out his alternatives and he could see it would work.

This is a man who would go hungry at lunch time if the cheese and peanut butter sandwich makings were not available. He has had the same lunch every day for about 35 years, unless we are on holiday. That’s different, apparently.

OP posts:
Megifer · 30/03/2025 14:42

"DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him!"

The fuck have I just read?? Sorry op I stopped reading your post after that gem. He must have a solid gold dick for you to stay with him.

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 14:42

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:35

Honestly, I felt the same way, but there we are, I had a baby to think about.

Show quote history

And yet you had more than one with him, knowing if you died and they were grieving you, he (I can't bring myself to call him their dad) would put them up for adoption?

Mind blowing.

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:42

Slackbladder22 · 30/03/2025 14:40

Sorry your husband is an absolute waster. This happened to me, my wife died when our daughter was three. She’s now nearly 8 and is thriving with me!

I’ve got a great support network around me but still adoption?? FFS so your child would have lost a mum and dad in one go. Kick him up the bloody arse.

I’m really sorry- I can only imagine how tough that was. I believe our extended family would have stepped up and reassured him it was possible. He just couldn’t imagine how it would be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:40

Ok Obviously that sentence- which was a shock when he said it- has out weighed everything else.

That doesn’t erase his having been a great, fully present Dad, and our two lovely young adult sons.

OP posts:
Slackbladder22 · 30/03/2025 14:40

Sorry your husband is an absolute waster. This happened to me, my wife died when our daughter was three. She’s now nearly 8 and is thriving with me!

I’ve got a great support network around me but still adoption?? FFS so your child would have lost a mum and dad in one go. Kick him up the bloody arse.

faerietales · 30/03/2025 14:39

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:38

He simply couldn’t imagine what to do if he was on his own.

He’s actually been a great dad, apart from a couple of blind spots over the years that I’ve needed to keep an eye on and plug the gaps.

You're deluding yourself.

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:38

He simply couldn’t imagine what to do if he was on his own.

He’s actually been a great dad, apart from a couple of blind spots over the years that I’ve needed to keep an eye on and plug the gaps.

OP posts:
RatedDoingMagic · 30/03/2025 14:37

Someone with your DHs attitude is too shit a father to still be in your child's life at all. What a pathetic excuse for a human.

EnglishSausages · 30/03/2025 14:37

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:35

Honestly, I felt the same way, but there we are, I had a baby to think about.

Show quote history

He said this after you had your first baby and you went on to have more children with him?

faerietales · 30/03/2025 14:37

I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck?

Please don't blame his horrendous attitude on autism - it's incredibly offensive.

HuffleMyPuffle · 30/03/2025 14:36

You had another child (or more) with a man who said he'd put his child up for adoption if you died?

Mother's Day is not the issue here

Cavello · 30/03/2025 14:36

I can't believe that he in all seriousness would put his kids up for adoption of you died. Not the point of your thread, I know, but I'm genuinely shocked.

My DH is now the SAHD, due to an accident at work, but he's always been a hands in father from the very beginning and has always been as capable as looking after them as me. We did it that way in case anything happened to me, and vice versa, I can financially take care of us if anything happened to him, and now its been a necessary.

I'm not sure if I could get passed that.

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:35

He really wanted kids, @Cynic17 Not just to keep me happy. He’s from a big family.

OP posts:
Alllll · 30/03/2025 14:35

I honestly don’t think I could stay with a man who said he would put a traumatised, motherless child - his own child - up for adoption. All respect and love for him would evaporate.

Original poster
myplace · 30/03/2025 14:35

MyKingdomForACat · 30/03/2025 14:33

He’d put the kid up for adoption? I’ve lived many many years and that’s the first time I’ve come across something as bizarre as that

Honestly, I felt the same way, but there we are, I had a baby to think about.

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 30/03/2025 14:34

I suspect that a lot of people (mainly men, due to the biology of it all) have children just to conform, or because it's expected or because it's what their partner really wants. Yes, it would be more honest to just say "no kids", but not everyone is strong enough to do that. So I rather admire the OP's partner for at least being honest enough to acknowledge that he only had a child because of her.
And none of it alters the fact that Mothers Day is not about the husbands, because it absolutely isn't.

KatzenRatzen · 30/03/2025 14:34

Good grief.