Mothers’ Day is not ‘nothing to do with husbands’.

myplace · 2025-03-30T13:18:36+00:00

I don’t agree Mothers’ Day is for DC to take full responsibility, and nothing to do with husbands. When our firstborn was an infant, I asked DH what he’d do if I fell under a bus (overthinker!). DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him! Needless to say I firmly pointed out there were lots of alternatives to that, moving back in with his parents for help, getting a nanny etc. However it’s pretty clear he only has DC (which he wanted) because I enabled that. I carried them. I jiggled work around them. I kept them Physically alive, to the detriment of my own body. I prioritised them. Alone, he wouldn’t have coped. I feel he should recognise that on mother's day. All the posts that say dads aren’t responsible for celebrating the mum of their dc are a bit stingy, honestly. AIBU?

Cornishclio · 30/03/2025 17:44

Ok well clearly your husband is Neurodiverse which means certain things don’t come easily to him so the comment about not coping with his DC if you weren’t around needs to be taken in context. As you now have 2 adult sons surely they should acknowledge Mother’s Day rather than your husband?

Original poster

myplace · 30/03/2025 17:00

AllTheChaos · 30/03/2025 16:36

Ok so in this sense he sounds a lot like my AuDHD self!

Edited

Show quote history

You know they talk about children having a ‘spiky profile’? Some great strengths and some massive weakness? That’s him. Many fabulous qualities and some eye watering deficiencies.

I hesitate to say it, but 4yr old DS worried about having to give up his baby brother, too. Apples and trees. A cat moved in with us and had kittens, and he didn’t want any of them to be rehomed. I said we could only keep one of the three. ‘Kittens are very expensive to look after you know, and the other two will make another family very happy’. He then fretted we might not be able to afford to keep DS2. 🙈

DS2 is now a high earning accountant type, so he’s earned his keep 🤣.

OP posts:

NoKnit · 30/03/2025 16:41

Goodness me.

I'm confident even though I reckon he tries to be clueless in purpose and the kids whinge he makes sandwiches wrong if I dropped dead tomorrow he'd make it work. Yes they might go to school with the wrong stuff to start but he would get around it. Do men really think they'd have to put their kids up for adoption?

AllTheChaos · 30/03/2025 16:36

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:57

God no.
He earns pretty well. Saves even better.
Does more house work than me. Buys all his family’s gifts, and ours if I don’t get in quickly. I wish I could damn well stop him shopping as he overbuys, hoards cereal and cheese and cheap cake. Beige crap.

As long as there’s a system or a pattern to follow he’s fine. But the unexpected is completely unmanageable. He hasn’t managed to learn to drive despite years of trying.

Show quote history

Ok so in this sense he sounds a lot like my AuDHD self!

Beryl23 · 30/03/2025 16:28

If my DP said that to me, I wouldn’t be having any more children with him. What a horrible, selfish comment to make!

beAsensible1 · 30/03/2025 15:42

myplace · 30/03/2025 15:40

I’m not at all talking about the revoltingly named ‘push gifts’.
The 20plus years after carrying and pushing them are pretty intense too.

Show quote history

ok then your adult children should spoil you.

thats what the day is for.

Original poster

myplace · 30/03/2025 15:40

beAsensible1 · 30/03/2025 15:21

what are you on about.

that would be a push gift, which is a present from your partners to thank you for giving birth / being pregnant.

if thats your thing.

if you want you husband to celebrate you for being a mother, just ask him. but you didn't do it as an altruistic act, having a child and giving birth is entirely a woman's choice unless somewhere where abortion is illegal.

Show quote history

I’m not at all talking about the revoltingly named ‘push gifts’.
The 20plus years after carrying and pushing them are pretty intense too.

OP posts:

Megifer · 30/03/2025 15:36

myplace · 30/03/2025 15:31

They really don’t need much parenting these days. They still live at home, at the moment- left and come back due to work relocation. Like their dad, they are perfectly competent around the house. Unlike their dad, they are mainly emotionally and socially competent too. And earn well.

They go to him for financial advice, me for practical or social advice. Both of us for career advice.

Show quote history

Sounds like they've grown up fairly well adjusted against the odds.

Original poster

myplace · 30/03/2025 15:34

Cranberryjaffacakes · 30/03/2025 15:30

This probably hasn’t gone as you wanted OP! But I agree with the basic question that it should be partly about fathers recognising and thanking the mother of their children for their contribution to family life too.

On Father’s Day I want to express my gratitude to my husband for being a good dad to our child and for the happy times that he gives me (as well as them) in doing that.

Exactly that. It’s downright lazy to outsource Mother’s Day to the kids. Parents support each other’s parenting, and we should be appreciative of the commitment to the joint enterprise of bringing up kids.
My 26yr old husband had a moment of idiocy and mentioning has deflected from the thread’s point, which is that parents should appreciate each other on fathers and Mother’s Day.

OP posts:

Original poster

myplace · 30/03/2025 15:31

Megifer · 30/03/2025 15:27

I imagine he would die for them, less effort than parenting them solo for sure.

Show quote history

They really don’t need much parenting these days. They still live at home, at the moment- left and come back due to work relocation. Like their dad, they are perfectly competent around the house. Unlike their dad, they are mainly emotionally and socially competent too. And earn well.

They go to him for financial advice, me for practical or social advice. Both of us for career advice.

OP posts:

Cranberryjaffacakes · 30/03/2025 15:30

This probably hasn’t gone as you wanted OP! But I agree with the basic question that it should be partly about fathers recognising and thanking the mother of their children for their contribution to family life too.

On Father’s Day I want to express my gratitude to my husband for being a good dad to our child and for the happy times that he gives me (as well as them) in doing that.

Megifer · 30/03/2025 15:27

myplace · 30/03/2025 15:12

Not at all like Paddington- though I’ve never watched it, only read the books. More like Martin from Friday Night Dinners. Desperately like him.

And yes, he loves his kids and would die for them- as long as he wasn’t surprised by the requirement. He could no more react appropriately in the moment than he could wrestle a bear.

I imagine he would die for them, less effort than parenting them solo for sure.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/03/2025 15:22

myplace · 30/03/2025 15:12

Not at all like Paddington- though I’ve never watched it, only read the books. More like Martin from Friday Night Dinners. Desperately like him.

And yes, he loves his kids and would die for them- as long as he wasn’t surprised by the requirement. He could no more react appropriately in the moment than he could wrestle a bear.

Sorry OP but your posts are as excusing as his behaviour is disgusting. You dare to post about this lousy excuse for a man and proffer ridiculous, simpering platitudes.

He doesn't love his children. Wake up. He wouldn't die for them either but if you died, that's the end of life as they know it. He and you are behaving pathetically and your children deserve better than this for a family.

beAsensible1 · 30/03/2025 15:21

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:33

My point is, that everyone saying mothers’s day is for kids to celebrate their mother disregards the women who enable their partners to be dads.

what are you on about.

that would be a push gift, which is a present from your partners to thank you for giving birth / being pregnant.

if thats your thing.

if you want you husband to celebrate you for being a mother, just ask him. but you didn't do it as an altruistic act, having a child and giving birth is entirely a woman's choice unless somewhere where abortion is illegal.

DefinitelyNotMaybe · 30/03/2025 15:19

Replying to this OP is like trying to have a meaningful conversation with stoned people. Fucking cheese indeed.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/03/2025 15:19

Snorlaxo · 30/03/2025 14:23

I think that many men would also go looking for a stepmother to the kids and have another child then delegate all of the childcare to her rather than put the kids in care.

This, to the power of ten.

That's what men do.

Iloveyoubut · 30/03/2025 15:18

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/03/2025 15:04

There's not a mother's day gift or card that could ever make up for that, OP. Your husband is shameful and doesn't deserve children at all.

What is it with all these 'shit father' threads lately? Always posted by someone who has no intention of bringing that to a grinding halt. I really hope they aren't real.

I think new can safely say they’re not. Which makes a mockery of the people who really Are going through hell.

Andreser · 30/03/2025 15:17

Snorlaxo · 30/03/2025 14:25

However it’s pretty clear he only has DC (which he wanted) because I enabled that.

It sounds like he had kids because you wanted them and agreed to do the child rearing.

So fucking what. He's still their father. He may be an idiot who got himself in a positon he didn't want to be in, but he's now an idiot with obligations.

beAsensible1 · 30/03/2025 15:17

it doesn't sound like your husband wanted children....

Chester23 · 30/03/2025 15:16

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:31

He did want DC
He was really good with the DC particularly when they were babies and toddlers.

He was unable to imagine parenting and working full time, being a single parent. This was 30 years ago, men as single parents were invisible.

So we later realised after loads of odd situations, he’s entirely inflexible and unable to deal with the unexpected.

He hasn’t been diagnosed but autism is as plain as the nose on your face, once you think about looking for it, his family is thoroughly ND.

My dad was widowed and became a single parent 28 years ago to a 6 and 8 year old. Worked full time with the help from my grandparents. So I dont think the excuse of 30 years ago is a valid excuse for your husband to say he would put your children up for adoption.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 30/03/2025 15:15

When our firstborn was an infant, I asked DH what he’d do if I fell under a bus (overthinker!). DH said he’d be sad to have to put him up for adoption, but he’d not be able to keep him!

I'd have ended the relationship on the spot, especially since he was the one that wanted DCs. Wants to pass on his genes but not lift a finger or let his own life change or career suffer? That's what that says.

What on earth do you see in him?

Hwi · 30/03/2025 15:14

I hear you 100%, but I still think it is dc-dm day, it is all fake when dh try to insinuate themselves into this celebration.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 30/03/2025 15:13

I mean, you must have known people would react to that tidbit of information.

Original poster

myplace · 30/03/2025 15:12

Not at all like Paddington- though I’ve never watched it, only read the books. More like Martin from Friday Night Dinners. Desperately like him.

And yes, he loves his kids and would die for them- as long as he wasn’t surprised by the requirement. He could no more react appropriately in the moment than he could wrestle a bear.

OP posts:

Onlyvisiting · 30/03/2025 15:11

myplace · 30/03/2025 14:33

My point is, that everyone saying mothers’s day is for kids to celebrate their mother disregards the women who enable their partners to be dads.

I disagree. Your DH should care about, support and respect you as his wife and mother of his children yes. But that should be an ongoing part if your relationship, not linked to mothers day.
Did your dad do things for your mum on MD? Mine didn't and I don't know anyone who did. I don't know if it's a newer idea or just my circles, but mothers day in my book is purely for children to mothers. And mainly actual children. I think my mum used to send hers a card as an adult, but nothing more than that.