To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

The statistics are based on a small sample of families self reporting how many hours they think they spend on household duties. This is an highly unreliable way of gathering data.

It also combines and averages all family types so Single mums who are more common are in with single dads, and SAHM families are clumped in with dual FT working parent households and families where an adult is a FT unpaid carer.

The statistics are not good for any useful generalisation.

Agree! I’ve read threads where the mother has posted she doesn’t trust her DH to dress the children in coordinated clothes or buy presents for the DC’s friends birthdays. Words fail me!

There is no reason why it cannot be both a relationship dynamic issue AND a gendered struggle. There's enough of it going on for it to be more than merely "definite cases".It would be disingenous to pretend that although gender roles have evolved over time, they still don't trend toward traditional and stereotypical notions. There are academic studies on this you can easily look up. Mental load refers to behind the scenes emotional and cognitive work to meet the needs of every family member. which largely falls on women. And as for "then why don't just you leave you partner, teach your kids etc.," life isn't as easy as all that.

I'm a single parent to two teens. I work FT. They both do a couple of activities that require me to drive them around. One has ADHD and has required a fair bit of extra stuff relating to CAMHS. Over the years it's always been me who has to juggle work, their illnesses, appointments etc. Anything / everything on the home front is down to me, though they will do tasks if asked, I have to organise the resources. This week my fridge broke and the car needs to go back into the garage. The weather turning means the garden needs sorting from it's winter state to make it presentable. The kids' tech is tied to Google family and Microsoft family so I get pinged for permission for this and that. It's a million tiny things that I have to juggle and I'm pretty good at it but yes I think it deserves a bit of recognition.

Why were you doing 99% of it, though?

Tbf many women refuse to delegate or relinquish control over these things.

It is just life admin that you’d have to do anyway until you have children. Then it’s a lot more work and admin to manage their lives and it shouldn’t fall on one parent if the other is present.

Before we had the DC I was doing 99% of the life admin for our household (me and DH). It didn’t feel like a burden because it wasn’t double the work and I like organising things. I still would have paid the rent, bills and done the shopping if I was single. When DC1 was a baby I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I forgot to renew our house insurance. That’s when DH realised that it was getting too much for one person to manage and picked up the slack. It’s close to 50-50 now as it should be.

I see things like this and just think there’s no way this was written by a mum🤣

This is as bad as the you disagree so must be a man. Some women just can’t accept they have agency and doesn’t have to be so difficult.

I am a mother. Yes it’s not that hard to do a weekly shop either way. And I’ve done them with one in the trolley seat and an infant in a baby bjorn strapped to my chest. Yes it’s easy to occupy kids for two hours at the dentist, I never had any problems with it. Sick days, we mostly erred on keep them home so much easier than agonising over and risking being called to pick them up. Taking time off work when the DC are sick doesn’t fall under “mental load” it’s more of a parenting responsibility. Coordinating who stayed off work to care for them we discussed the evening before or morning of sick child.

Today it’s even easier than when mine were small. You can have the weekly shop delivered any morning before work/school or evening after work or weekend.

Of course it's systemic. And there's no shortage of statistics showing that women still do the lion's share of the domestic load (oops, sorry - the normal adult tasks) even when both partners work full time.

It’s not just an uneven split, though, @ByNimbleCrow - too many men completely opt out of these responsibilities.

Mental load = calendar, spreadsheets, post-its and a monthly visit to Card Factory. It's well within my intellectual and organisational capacities

I'll take mental load over bins and lawnmowing any day.

Twenty years ago I would have thought the same as you. You have shit to do, you do the shit, bingo, a life.
What's changed is partly societal. We are wasting a lot of time with smartphones and chat rooms and Messenger...There is less time because we fritter it and we kind of see that as our right, somehow? Because it's relaxing? I'm not sure I felt that I had a right to leisure time (ie an hour with my phone in my hand) back then and even if I did it would have been reading a book.
Partly as well there is a lot more talk about the mental health effects of peri menopause so women reaching 45-50 and finding they are burned out domestically is something we are sharing.
Also let's face it men are still a pain

I think it's this - and it's the ages usually once they start school to late primary when they are too young to sort stuff.

The endless dress-up days - school trip funding - after school activites - doesn't help I find that who ever you put first they rang me about stuff - and fun project work x 3 every half term often needing supplies.

Is used to they and get the kids to check before leaving house for stuff - but if they forgot refrain from school was all well Mummy forgot and attitude if I wasnlt picking up phone immedaitely. Mummy being busy despite many of the teachers and staff being working Mums seemed not to compute.

Oh not this goady nonsense again. It's simply a phrase to describe being the default parent/domestic person in the home. It's about feeling you've got a lot of things you're responsible for (often when your partner should be sharing some of it). The fact that it's common and consists of normal, everyday things does not mean people aren't allowed to have a phrase to describe it . Oh and the phrase may be fairly new, but having a moan about the daily grind (while also 'just getting on with it') is not.

It isn’t particularly taxing at all. By school age (5 or 6) my DC were packing their own bags for holidays and I’d do a quick check to ensure nothing obvious missing. Me and DH always pack our own bags. Everything being booked required DH and I to compare schedules and discuss, the act of pushing buttons to book a time doesn’t take long.

I see things like this and just think there’s no way this was written by a mum🤣

You’ll never be able to convince me that it’s as easy doing a weekly shop for just yourself, by yourself, as it is to do a shop for a family with kids in tow.

It’s also not just about the scheduled appointments (although again, riddle me how you think it’s super easy to occupy multiple young kids for 2 fucking hours in a dentist office😂), it’s about the sick days, are they poorly enough to be off nursery/school? Do I send them in? Call to say they need to be collected, who’s going? Can I take a day off? When can I catch the work up? The other one is then off 2 days later, so there’s another day sorted. Fab!

He’s got it easy - putting the bins out - 10 minutes once a week. Mowing the lawn - doesn’t need doing in the winter and then (dependant upon the size of your garden) a hour or so every fortnight. How often do things need fixing - hopefully only occasionally.

Dressing the DC’s is an every day job whilst they are little - does he at least go and buy their clothes? I don’t understand what school mum friendships are or why that would be a mental load? Surely any father would want to be taking responsibility for their DC’s birthday parties and presents?

@gannett I’m the same. As for the household stuff - how much “household management” really is there? Everything can be automated online. Direct debits for all bills/rent/mortgage/insurance/subscriptions, repeat food deliveries. Cleaning and laundry should be split between adults obviously and if one partner didn’t do it I simply wouldn’t wash their clothes. I agree on the “traditional masculine” man and useless misogynist partner Venn diagram being a circle, too - that’s a huge red flag in my book, not the kind of man to aspire to be with.

edited forgot to quote post

When my dc were small 30 years ago no one ever mentioned the mental load.
There wasn’t any online shopping or communication so dealing with schools, meals and groceries, insurance, appointments etc always involved being present or using the phone.
I worked pt but had friends who worked full time.
I can honestly say it was no big deal and when pp’s list the mental load as one of their chores I roll my eyes.
As for weaponised incompetence that only exists for as long as you put up with it.

Also nobody was triggered 30 years ago either.

There would be no "mental load" to speak of if every adult carried the load equally. They don't though. Not in my household or any household I know. Some men do try to make an effort, but I don't think I've ever see a household where its genuinely 50/50. I see women who work longer hours in more demanding jobs, and they still end up doing the majority of the housework, admin, childcare etc. while the men just go out and do their "hobby".

Sloppy dressed kid- I gave zero fucks what people think. My DC dressed themselves from age 2 anyway

Sick child- yes even though DH was listed as primary, they still called me as the mum. I simply told them DH was the contact and to keep trying to contact him and hung up. Not my problem.

Boiler break- that’s a man thing so DH would have to take off work to be there so a tradesman wouldn’t get tempted to faff about and overcharge.

I guess there is a default expectation, but I was never pressured by it. We just forged our own way because many of societies “rules” we think are batshit and sexist.

Well that's just a normal "mental load" for your lifestyle though. Everyone has one (including your husband).

"Mental load" becomes a problem when one partner has to take it on disproportionately. And the problem there is the partner.

@takealettermsjones I x-posted with you about your DH working away.

I agree that it's a society-wide issue but I also don't think that's an excuse for tolerating poor behaviour within your own home and family. Change will never happen unless we force it.