To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

I’d say if she can afford lots of takeaways and to give money to friends she doesn’t need as much as you’re giving her

I would check she’s feeding herself ok, and that the takeaways are not because she forgets to buy food or is too tired/otherwise unable to shop and cook
perhaps I’d give less money but organise a shop or prep some food for her if I was worried about that
and id check that she’s not being groomed by these ‘friends’

but if neither of these are concerns I’d cut back. You could offer to look at her finances with her if you wanted, and she’d allow it to help her manage better. But I’d rather have a takeaway myself or save for my own pension than give someone else money so they can give it to strangers.

I honestly wouldn’t give her anything. She will have enough to live on - all pensioners are in the same boat. She’s playing you both for mugs. If you feel you can’t cut off completely, then just tell her you are now struggling as prices of everything has shot up, so instead of giving her cash, you’ll buy her shopping or a takeaway as and when you can afford it.

Is she lonely?
Older people not going to work everyday
Living alone can become isolated.
Going out to buy things gives a reason to make an effort for some social interaction.
I do this myself.
People in shops are often friendly both staff and other customers.
It's a limited interaction therefore safer. No ongoing expectations.
Likewise her lending money.
Being useful makes a link.
It's hard to understand each stage of life. How others cope and why.

If you paid £200 of bills that frees up the £200 she was paying bills with to continue doing what you’re not happy with.

It’s just she’s don’t with “her” money not “yours”

Not sure there’s any easy answer here

Exactly this! All of you saying pay the bills directly, that will make no difference at all, she’ll just spend the money she would’ve been spending on that bill on the gadgets and money for friends!

Bottom line is, if she can afford to do that then she’s not struggling, she just needs to learn to budget and OP needs to put her children and her own immediate family before her MIL.

It’s difficult, because some people never learn good money management skills and it’s hard to shift certain habits once they are established.

i also agree with the person who said that it’s easier to fritter away money that someone else has earned. I have recently noticed that my teen dd has become a lot more careful with money now that she is earning some of it!

ultimately I would continue to help your mum but maybe try to have a conversation about it with her.

Also she could be telling friends that she is being gifted regular money and being takrn advantage of by "friends".

Time to say that things are tighter and you need to pull back.
No way my children would be missing out for MIL to be blowing money.

YOU need to take control. Children are expensive and you need to spell it out.

Take a specific bill and pay it if you must, but pull back and certainly no cash.
Let her use her own.

I would pay the bills directly.

If the amount you currently give her is more than the bills cost, I would then add on a few bits for her onto my shopping if she needs it. I would not be giving her any cash at all.

The mindset should be that you are supporting her with basics not ‘gifting’ her cash for treats. Then if she complains she has no money, you know she’s not going to starve.

At the end of the day, she’s either a competent adult who should live within their budget. Or she hasn’t got capacity & needs more direct help with budgeting even if that feels intrusive.

A lot also depends on why she has ended up in this position financially.

Do you know the background to this as well as your DH? I agree with those who say that your children come first

I think it's unreasonable to give someone cash and then try and micromanage how they spend it. If you want it to go on bills offer to pay the council tax. Its the only bill she can go to jail for not paying. Maybe she's getting takeaways for a reason. May be she doesnt want to cook for 1. Maybe she doesnt see the point. Maybe making her a few meals for the freezer or getting her to some decent microwave meals from Marks will help her out.

I have a relative who lives in the moment, is totally incapable of seeing actions have consequences, especially with finance. How do you respond if in one breath she’s saying she’s skint, and the next, by the way I had to give Joan 20 quid?

We had to do this…we give mil and fil an amount every month, because mil has spanked every last penny they’ve ever earned on keeping up with the Joneses/ having ‘nice’ things. A few months ago, the final straw came when we went round there and she’d spent the monthly amount we give them on 2 fancy John Lewis garden chairs because these were the only ones she likes, and a Dyson hairdryer. Meanwhile they are skipping meals and keeping the house cold. We now pay their phone and electric bills instead. Fil is a bit of an enabler and she’s a shopaholic, but I can’t bear to think of them cold.

OP, stop this.
You might feel that you can afford to support her spending but in a very few short years your DC will likely be heading off for uni or saving for house deposits.

I guarantee that you will so wish that you'd put that money into ISAs for them instead of giving it away to MILs friends.

And please don't be banking on an inheritance from her, if she needs nursing care at some point, there may not be anything left to inherit.

Could you fudge the truth a little? Perhaps with the rising costs of day to day life, the children getting older etc things need reassessed financially? School trips, after school activities, tutors etc have all gone up alongside the weekly food shop, your bills, holiday etc.

Sit her down and offer to go through her budget too. Figure out what she can afford and either offer to take on a set bill or two like council tax/water or pay for her weekly food shop, perhaps online and it’s delivered?

If OP pays a specific bill it doesn’t solve the problem. Giving MIL (eg) £100 pcm cash vs paying a £100 pcm gas bill is exactly the same, OP is down (and MIL is up) £100 pcm.

The issue is if MIL can afford to give money away then she cannot receive money from OP to do this, it must now come out of her pension that she budgets for.

Giving MIL money via the food shop or via the gas bill is exactly the same as handing her cash.

Just pay the bills directly, frame it that you're taking the admin hassle away from her

Well, she must have always had this same attitude to money, that's why she has no savings, low pension etc, and you are helping facilitate that with your donations. So she has no need to change her "easy come, easy go" financial dealings.
Did you expect her to suddenly become more financially astute when she had more money to play with?

I can understand why you are feeling aggrieved that she is frittering away money that you've worked hard to earn, especially when your DH seems to condone his Mother's behaviour.

I'd say that you and your DH need to discuss why and how you will be supporting his mother, as it will cause resentment to build between you, especially with the COL rapidly rising.

Paying directly for essentials such as lighting and heating might make you feel better, leaving MIL to spend her own money however she wants, but in reality that's just juggling with numbers.

You and your DH have to find emotional and practical agreement as to why you are donating your own income to his mother (and her friends!), and perhaps limit your contributions, because MIL isn't going to change.

On reflection, could this be financial abuse by these 'friends'?

Step aside from your resentment and start thinking about her welfare.

There are other ways to help her out than throw cash at her which then gets sniffed out by opportunists.

How old is she? I often forget some people's MILs are young enough to be my daughter while others might be older than my mum (85). Could there be something deteriorating there?

Just STOP bank rolling her completely! If her pension is low she should qualify for pension credit surely. And if you pay bills directly she will continue to spend on crap because the cash is spare.
Also, why not encourage her to save some for a 'rainy day'........ white goods that need replacing, new shoes, perhaps a day trip

Difficuly one. There is a school of thought that says if you are prepared to give/lend money, you don't have a right to dictate what it is spen on. However, it is very hard not to be tetvhy when money that doesn't come easily to you, the giver, is seemingly 'frittered'.
I'd pay a couple of bills for her (quietly) and give her a reduced amount of 'spending money'.

Difficult one OP! 3 takeaways a week and lending money to friends doesn’t exactly match up with someone who has to be subsidised by her son to be able to afford to live.

I think offering to pay for some of her bills instead is a better option. Gas/ electricity? Or maybe council tax as then she can’t sit in tropical temperatures with you footing the bill? Grocery shopping is a harder one as I wouldn’t necessarily want someone else choosing my shopping for me. I suppose you could do the basics and she can then top up any extras she wants.

Only you and your DH know if changing from just giving cash will cause major drama. And will anything change? Because she’ll just have extra cash in the bank now if you pay her bills directly instead!

Could those 'friends' have been pressuring her to buy them takeaways and give them money, which was why she was struggling in the first place?

Simply put you and dh are mugs..

She's seeing it as a teen sees unearned pocket money.

I think paying a bill or two directly would be helpful and wouldn't feel like extra free money for splurging.

It might also be wise to get that sorted in case she needs help managing admin etc later in - get in practice.

You could give her Tesco vouchers for the big food shop?

Or just give her a bit less especially FOR splurging!

I’m struggling to answer because the three examples in the OP are all so different and yet OP has called them all “absolute rubbish”.

Takeaways seem like a nice thing for someone who might struggle to cook. They could be expensive, but not “rubbish”. Could she replace them with more economical better class of ready meals?

Gadgets are borderline but if she struggles to open jars I can see her thinking the gadget will help her keep her independence.

Lending money to friends from gifted money is not on. Why does she do this? To be seen as lady bountiful or are her friends taking advantage.

I think it’s a lot more complicated than MIL buys rubbish and it concerns me that’s how OP characterises it.