To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

Maybe she’s struggling cuz she can’t budget? Could you help her to make a budget and see where the money is going to judge if the struggling is genuine or though poor management

We had something similar with MIL (in a relationship with a financially and emotionally abusive partner for the last 20 odd years and won't leave him). She is terrible with money and the financial control started after she racked up lots of credit card debt that her "DH" "kindly" paid off for her and hangs it over her head to this day for any minor "infringement". She was constantly asking DH and BIL for money but then seemed to be blowing it all on treats and clothes, she was also taking out multiple credit cards (some with ridiculous interest rates) and paying for things on them but due to her "DPs" financial control she was not able to pay them off.

As her "DP" is financially abusive he was not allowing her to buy any treat things or clothes, only food (and then only from a list he gave her) and things that benefitted him. She is allowed to go out with certain friends for lunch and he gives her an allowance to spend each month so he can't be "accused of been abusive as he's not isolating or denying her any money". He also buys her treats if she is "good" and doesn't argue with him or do things that annoy him -like not been available when he wants her to be and picking up extra shifts at work.

Both us and BIL have families and homes to support and money is tight at times so her asking for money and then blowing it on coffees, cakes, lunches, unnecessary pet accessories, handbags ect got very grating (especially in tight months). She also made quite a few ill timer comments to both DH and BIL about how she would have to move in with either us or BIL if her DP died (he is in I'll health) as she has little money and how we would have to support and pay for the 4 horses, 2 dogs and chickens. How she is planning to retire in 2 years when she is 60 (but won't qualify for pension until 66).

In the end DH and BIL have agreed to pay her personal bills that her "DH' won't pay because they don't benefit him and we're the main expensive things been put on the credit cards (phone bill, fuel for her car, mot, car insurance, car tax, car repairs). When she comes out for the day or a meal with one of us we cover her costs. We have also helped move any credit card debt over to those 0% cards and try and help her keep on top of credit cards.

Her own DM and DF also give her some money for "treats" out of their pensions. But no-one can afford to support her lifestyle.

Stop giving her money.
Let her be skint and appreciate her need for help. Or not.

Definitely op. She’s not about to suddenly get good at budgeting now, and all you are doing is enabling her to spend on daft stuff whilst having to scrimp yourself. Spend that money in your children instead, or put it in a pension for when you are old and may be struggling yourselves!

If you pay the bill, she will have the equivalent amount of money to spend anyway… and why not?

The friends taking cash off her sounds like she is vulnerable and being taken advantage of. So it’s right to be concerned about that

Some people are just awful with money, my dad has had wholes in his flooring but eats out at a very expensive cafe every single day because it's his only connection to people really outside of working with family. I've tried to help and talk about this with him but it's a choice, he just cant plan ahead and doesnt see certain things as a necessity he just lives day to day.

I agree. For MIL “living comfortably” could well mean the disposable income to spend on things she enjoys. Take aways and gadgets are not wastes of money like betting on the horses or drinking gin all day.

Does she have a POA in place?

Whatever you decide to do about the money now, if she does loose capacity in the future, given how enmeshed you are in supporting her financially, it will get so much worse for you and DH. You'll end up throwing money at her that she'll be basically setting fire to.

If your DH is going to continue financial support, you both need the security of him being able to take the reins if she looses capacity

This is the bit that jumped out at me. It’s not normal for friends to repeatedly borrow cash. OP, why do her friends think your mum is flush? Does she tell them you give her money? I’m not sure how old she is but I’d be a bit worried about her judgement and mental faculties failing, which could be making her vulnerable to others taking advantage.

When my Mum was in early stages of Alzheimer’s, she started doing a lot of impulse buying: expensive accessories and gadgets, etc, and was susceptible to upselling whenever she went shopping. This rings a few alarm bells that go beyond just being rash with money.

How did you get to the point where you were subsidising her? It’s madness that you’re scrimping to do so when she clearly doesn’t need it. It would be a big no from me I’m afraid. ‘Hey MIL, I’m afraid we can’t give you any money from next month as we’re really struggling to make ends meet’.

My MIL complains about money, she has just lent SIL 5K and won’t shop anywhere but Waitrose and eats almost everything 100% organic.

If you are assisting with money I feel you both have every right to look through statements. This is the only time it’s acceptable.

Has she claimed Pension Credit and Council Tax rebate?
gov.uk

Paying a bill directly IS different to paying her cash so she can pay her bills. If I understand correctly she is spending money on wants and then not having enough for essential bills/needs and asking for more. If OP and her DH pay the bill on her behalf then she can't ask for more money because she has overspent and can't afford the bills.
Council tax is the obvious one to pay, but check she isn't entitled to benefit for this if she is on a low income.
Takeaways several times a week suggests she struggles with forward planning and or the effort of cooking for one. If you live near could you take her shopping once every few weeks for store cupboard essentials, fresh and frozen ready meals, fruit and veg. Then you know she is eating ok and doesn't need takeaways.

Surely you would only support another adult who isn't your husband or your child if they were short of money and unable to pay bills through no fault of their own? If she could buy takeaways and still pay for all her necessities, that would be OK but to keep coming back to OP and her DH for more money isn't reasonable.

If you give money as a gift, it is up to the recipient to spend it how they wish. I wouldn't begrudge someone getting a takeaway.

Having said that if you have clearly said "this is to help you with your bills," and she's getting into arrears and spending it elsewhere that is not great.

How certain are you about her financial situation? My FIL is always lamenting about how he can't afford things and how tight money is and expensive bills are. I swallowed it hook, line and sinker, but DH who helps him with his finances says this is absolutely not the case.

She doesn't care what she does with it because it's not hers. I'd honestly stop sending her money. I'd send her a weekly shop, so she doesn't struggle for food. I wouldn't be happy with her giving my earned money away either, very disrespectful.

If your own children are going without in order for you to support MIL, then you are going to have to be honest with her and risk upsetting her. She’s effectively giving away your children’s money to her friends.

Not sure how much you’re giving her- is she paying rent or a mortgage? If housing is covered, I would look at paying gas/electric bill directly and/or £50 per week supermarket card, and then you know she’s housed, warm and fed, but cash spending comes from her pension.

Your DH might have to start facing some harsh facts though - it’s possible that shes losing track of spending due to cognitive decline.

We have similar with MIL. Her boiler broke and she had a quote to replace it which she couldn't afford. We gave her the money. She took SIL on holiday with it and has been boiling kettles and using fan heaters since autumn (and wailing about the cost of the electric). Some sort of crazy level of dissonance. It was a final straw for us. Tried buying a food shop, but that seems to end up at SIL's house as well. So now we give nothing but moral support.

I think you both are missing the point. The OP and her husband are giving her money to help her each month. This is to assist in paying bills and allow her to have a reasonable standard of living. The MIL is being frivolous with money and lending it to others etc and spending beyond her means and then coming back to the OP for more money. I know how frustrating this can be because I have a brother who does it. I give him money each month to help (buying food and heating his flat), he spends it on weed, fags and booze then scrounges for more.

Sorry if someone else has mentioned this already, but has she applied for all the benefits / pension credit she is entitled to? Does she own her own home?

How do you know she's actually struggling? Is it just because she says so / she's stressed??

Do you or your DH have one of those employer benefits schemes where you can buy gift cards etc at a discount? If so, buy / frame it like that for a supermarket.

But first of all I would want to check she's maximising her income, incl due benefits etc and also checking to make sure she's not got any unnecessary payments going out.

How old is she btw?

If you give someone money you can't expect to tell them what to spend it on. I wouldn't then give her more if she ran out though

"MIL, you can't afford to lend people money because we are already supporting you. When you lend money to people who then don't pay it back, you are literally taking our money away from your grandchildren and giving it to your friends."

This. I don't think you can pull her up on the takeaways, but she's basically giving your money away at the expense of her grandchildren. She really can't argue with that one.

My dad was appalling with money and it was a non stop stress for his entire life. If you accept that your MIL is never ever going to be sensible with money or do what you think she should, things get easier.

If you pay for treats, she's not suddenly going to get better at paying the basic bills. She'll book a holiday or something instead.

If you want to pay her gas bill, do so, but she's not going to stop lending money to freeloaders, because she likes feeling like a rich generous person.

Tbh if I were you, I would just stop. I did eventually stop giving my Dad money when my partner pointed out I was going overdrawn to do it. He muddled along until he found a richer girlfriend and moved in with her and persuaded her to invest thousands in a scam We offered various forms of other help which he didn't want and why should he?

Talking to your h about prioritising your children and your own future would be my priority.