To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

You give her money to make her more comfortable.

so
maybe getting takeaways and shopping for gadgets is what makes her happy and comfortable?

How much are you talking about in terms of discretionary spends and loans? Is your MIL coming to you looking for more money after she has spent it / loaned it?

it would piss me off too if I was having to tighten my belt and go without to then see someone spend frivolously or give it away.

If your DH hates confrontation, simply make yourself a bigger problem than his mother. Have the argument.

Hang on you said you’re scrimping and saving? If that’s the case then you can’t afford to bankroll your MIL and should stop. She’s taking the piss. Don’t make excuses for her about decline in cognitive function etc. Clearly she’s bad with money period otherwise she wouldn’t have got to the stage of life where she expects handout from you!

DH just hates confrontation and would rather keep the peace

It's funny how so many people who hate confrontation are nonetheless happy to piss of their spouses/partners and even let it affect their children.

The money MIL is spending so freely could be going towards a pension so that OP and her DH aren't scrimping and scraping in their retirement. It could be giving the DCs chances that they now can't afford. Instead the DH is giving his family's money to the local takeaway and to his mother's friends.

It's time to put your foot down OP.

Well, she clearly doesn't need it. So, don't give it. To continue to do so and then moan she uses it on whatever is on them. Especially if it's to the detriment of their own family.

absolutely this

They are giving her the money because she says she needs it to live on, not as a nice gift to make her happy. If she's spending it on things like that she clearly doesn't need it to live on.

This is not "controlling her spending". She can spend money on whatever she likes. But if she wants to spend all her money on her friends and stupid shit, then she can't keep going to them and saying she needs their money for essentials. Well, she can, but anyone with any sense would say no, fuck off.

Yes, it's the fact that she's getting money but then coming back and saying she needs even more. I would tackle getting DH to agree that you give her whatever amount each month, possibly making direct bill payments so you know they're covered, but then if she asks for more, then you say 'no, can't manage that, you'll have to do what everyone else does and make what's left last till the end of the month'.

In similar circumstances, I've opted to pay for something specific. For a LP Neice, I paid for a monthly travel pass, soft play vouchers and did a shop for packed lunch stuff. It meant that she could access all the children centre activities and visit family. It was up to her to then learn to budget and have independence over what she spent money on. In your MILs case I would gave covered heating, or car insurance, to keep her warm/mobile. Then she budgets the rest. It stops any resentment. I think take-aways in your 70's is allowed tbf.

This is not on she is wasting your money which you work hard for.Does she have savings, is she entitled to pension credit? Your DH needs to find out exactly what’s going on with her money as you say she hasn’t been the best when younger.I would be furious if my MIL had been like this there really is no need.She now relies on this hand out that is what it is and giving to friends is awful.Maybe pay for a small weekly shop and stop the rest.She needs to sort herself out.Good luck your DHneeds to step up pretty fast.

I’d be sitting down with her and looking at all her bills / income / outgoings and work out how much she actually NEEDS. Who came up with what? Did she just say she needs x amount? I’d be pretty unhappy too ! DH needs to prioritise his future and family.

Id cut the amount in half to start with

So she is buying a takeaway and that's not spending the money in the current way? A gadget that may seem daft to you might bring her great pleasure. Remember it isn't all your money there is some of hers as well.
You could of course just pay her bills instead them she is allowed to spend her money as she wishes

If she can afford to treat herself to 3 takeaways a week and give money to friends then she doesn’t need your financial help.

id sit down with her and look at her incomings and outgoings, work out exactly how much she has left over and go from there.

my mum would be mortified if I had to help her out with money each month,

Personally, I would pick two bills ( electric / gas/ rent whatever) and set up a direct auto payment out of your account to pay those. Pay a month or so in advance so she never receives a bill, except one saying she is in credit, and then forget about it. Tell her that those bills are now covered but you won't be giving her cash anymore, as she now has extra pension money that she is free to spend as she pleases ( assuming this is financially viable for your family).

Your DH is as much of an issue here as your MIL. This is his mother and he needs to be the one who’s holding her accountable and having talks with her. You’re being kind enough to give her money which could be going towards bettering your own lives and she’s basically pissing it up the walls.

If she can afford to be biting countless takeaways and lending money to people obviously she doesn’t need your money.

Absolutely this. Don't give her the money if you think it entitles you to control her spending. That's not fair.

I would be irritated too, paying the bills directly won't change much.

Ask DH to have a chat with her about setting boundaries around lending, she seems like an easy target for friends to borrow from.

@StablePtarmigan how much money are you talking about and how long has this been going on for?? i dont see the point of making her financially carefree and your family with kids going without!

This.

Also, not sure if this is the same in the UK, but in Oz some banks or credit card companies have reward schemes where if you buy a gift card or do online shopping with their linked account, you get a % discount or a cash back option, so if you give her a gift card or an online order for her groceries it could actually save you money, too.

I'd concentrate on the concern this raises about capacity. I appreciate she is a grown woman and entitled to spend it (takeaways are great!) but lending to friends who have no intention of returning it would cause me to be alarmed. I would sit down with your husband and discuss the reality in the future that she may need care and assistance on many other levels.
That will cost you in money and time; money that is being wasted now. Good luck with it all.

Your DH needs to have an honest chat.
"Mum, the kids are growing and eating more. I'm going to give you a little less cash for a few years. Don't jump to loan any money to your friends, and buying a few less take aways might see you better off."

In the mean time it's clear that your MIL doesn't like cooking for herself so research a source of healthy frozen meals for older folk. Help her also to order just a few very basic foods to be delivered weekly - milk, bread, yoghurt, cereal, fruit etc.

Help her claim all benefits to which she is entitled.
Your DH should seriously examine his mother's budget and help his Mum plan for bills while still having spending money to enjoy.

Buy MIL a woollen snuggy wearable blanket to help reduce heating.

Give MIL the money in cash. She can see it go, and budget more accurately.

I’m pretty sure the OP means the MIL comes back for ever more. And yeah that would be a problem for me.
if I was giving x amount and they were spending it stupidly and expecting me to then give more to cover their shortfall, I would put stipulations on it just say no. Because that sort of mentality means there will never be enough. It’s not an incoming money problem. It’s an out going money problem. And I would not allow that to be MY problem

How did your husband know how much to give her? Did he just guess or did he make her sit down and review her finances? Perhaps he now needs to do the latter, see if she is short or not. But the fact that he prioritises his mother over his children is all kinds of wrong in my opinion. He perhaps needs to unpick what that's all about.