To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

Someone should start a new thread on what gift money should be spent on.

There used to be a charity in the small town I lived in, (before such things as food banks)and each year they picked a few elderly people to give a grocery voucher to.

The conditions were that they were not to spend it on alcohol or tobacco. I considered that wrong, and would have refused. I don't know how many takers there were, but it seemed daft, because they could spend the vouchers on legitimate food items, then go back the next day to buy their booze and fags with the money they saved from the voucher!

The OP doesn't know for sure that their money is being given away or spent recklessly, so they? She could be spending their money legitimately, according to their wishes, and blowing her own!!

Perhaps she is 'buying' friends?

It's not a gift. It's monthly financial support. Like an allowance. And it was to support her to pay her bills. Not for her to give to her friends.

Then don't give her the money!

A gift should come with NO strings attached!

It seems like you’re giving her much more than she needs. How about reducing it a bit and see how you go or as others say, just pay a bill.

Can you give a present with conditions? If you think she is unwise in what she buys - and who to judge that? - give her gift vouchers instead.

If she buys takeaways she may see them as a treat, or may want to experience a new taste to keep her mind alert.

With a voucher she can buy food, or send her a meals catalogue and pay for 7 meals a week, but let her choose.

Pay her energy bill, or pay for a home help, or garden help.

Then she can spend what is left of her own money on what SHE likes.

This

I don't think you can give someone something and then put conditions on it. Once she has the money it's hers.

And tbh do you really begrudge her a take away or two? Although I do think lending money she can't afford to "friends" not getting it back and then asking you for more is uncool.

If it were me and I felt like you do I'd probably just say to hubby I don't mind us contributing what we do but you need to talk to her about us not being able to offer more when she's "skint". That you've your own bills and responsibilities and cant afford more but would be happy to help her with her budgetting to stick within her means

Just tell her you have to cut back on the allowance that you give her, for whatever reason.

OP is annoyed because after her MIL has spent the money that they have generously given her on takeaways and giving money to her friends, she comes back to ask for more money.

That is the unreasonable bit. And by giving her more money, OP and her DH are unable to afford the sort of luxuries like takeaways that her MIL is enjoying on their money.

She’ll say she’s skint, but then she’s ordering takeaways three nights a week or buying random stuff she doesn’t need @StablePtarmigan

Could you order in enough ready meals for the week? My DM always wants quick and easy meals now she's older so I either batch cook for her and put them in her freezer or top up her ready meals.

The impulse buying could be boredom or even depression. Or she genuinely thinks she needs the items- what sort of things are they, I know they're tat to you but they're obviously not to her.

Having said all this, if you're scrimping and saving yourselves as you've said, then it's a no brainer.
Your DH needs to be realistic and as nice as it is to support your parents if you can't afford it then you need to find a way to help her budget without your support.

The best thing you can do is not lent her cash, then buy her a food shop.

buying a voucher for her can be more economical for you if you’re able to find money off

I would not give her the money directly, I’d take over her bills by direct debit and if there was anything left out of what you usually give her I’d take her in some food.

I understand OP. I do similar for a family member and it does more damage than help. The money ends up being wasted on pointless stuff, which would have never been bought with own money, then they still have no money and seem to be no better off. It’s really frustrating when you work hard to help then they fritter it away. I’ve cut down on what I give now and they seem to be doing ok.
Before people come at me, they are not left starving, cold or in darkness. Just terrible with money and impulsive buying, bills always been paid.

You’re bankrolling her at the expense of your own DC and now she spends freely knowing you’ll top up her account every month. I think she is taking advantage and you need to reign it in a little.
Perhaps you could stay your mortgage has increased so instead of sending money, you can pay some of her bills/ order an online shop?
You haven’t said her age but look into any benefits like Pension Credit she may be entitled to.

Exactly! If you want to give, give freely and without conditions. You shouldn't expect your generous and kind contribution to mean that you have some control over her life.

OP, please ignore this absolutely ridiculous nonsense.

The OP is scrimping and unable to save for her dc.
If course she’ll be pissed off at her DH giving his mother money that she is then being handed out to her friends Willy nilly and spent on things the OP can’t afford due to her dh giving their money away.

I would cut right back, tell her that your bills are going up.

Just give her a 1/4.

How old is your DH's mum? He's her son. He wants to do this for her. She's older, clearly on her own. Give it to her, say nothing, let her do whatever she does with it. That's the nature of a gift.

Just back off, don't interfere in a son's love for his mum. One day it might be you, and even though you might be way more sensible and careful with the money, who knows. Maybe you'll slip up too.

It's mother's day today. Have respect for who she is, without her you wouldn't have a husband! I'm sorry as I don't usually get as direct as this, but I really feel that you should just leave well alone.

As you've probably thought, she won't be here forever. None of us will. So just be nice and leave it alone, let him be a kind non-judgemental son. It's his mum.

They gave money to help her cope. Not to facilitate her giving away money and buying unnecessary things. The OP is scrimping and struggling to save for her dc.

The OP up until now has assumed "happy and comfortable" means bills paid, heating on and food in the cupboard.

If the OP finds out that the money they are giving to make her "happy and comfortable" is to pay for expensive takeaways and give to her friends then the OP has every right to reassess the subsidy with that new information. And decide that she has absolutely no obligation to support that level of happiness and comfort in her mother in law at her and her family's expense.

To those saying paying bills is the same as giving cash - no it isn’t.

If OP & DH know that the bills have been paid & MIL has bread & milk in the house, then it doesn’t matter if she runs out of money. They can feel ok refusing to hand over more without worrying that DH’s mum is going hungry or will be made homeless.