He bought me flowers.. with my own money

A spoilt 5 year old to not want to play bank to your adult partner? That's one hell of a take. Surely the spoilt 5 year old is the man who can't manage his money and then goes running to OP with his hand out feeling fully entitled to a sub from her? Oh wait no, he doesn't even ask, he just takes.

You definitely need to raise the issue but not in relation to Mothers’ day. He is stuck in a cycle of owing you as he has the money when he was paid, he pays you back for the previous month, runs out then needs to borrow it again. Maybe you could come to an agreement where you could partially clear the debt to you and he also has a saving target for the month by cutting back a reasonable amount on his personal spending. Then the following month he should be able to budget and have enough to last without borrowing from you.

I don’t work. So every gift I buy for dh, he technically pays for. It’s the thought isn’t it?

Strange he bought you flowers. You're not his mother. He could have paid for a present from the children. If he pays you back then you won't have paid for your present.

We are another couple with pooled money so you could say we both pay for our own presents. Also when they were little we each took the children to buy a present for mummy or daddy at Christmas or birthdays, mother's day etc. So we paid for our own presents from the kids. It's not a biggie it's family life for us.

The thing is if he can continually borrow from you he's never going to budget. Stop doing it. If he runs out of money that's tough.

He's had all years to prioritise a little money to get you a bunch of flowers. That would upset me.

But he will pay you back!

what is it with mothers behaving like spoilt 5 year olds

you need to find out why he has running out of money and stop that

Hey, I'd just be happy he made the effort. I paid for the mother in laws flowers yesterday and am still waiting for my husband or son to even acknowledge me today.

There’s much more going on here than flowers.

A full and frank discussion is required asap about your financial situation as a couple. The biggest problem you have is a partner who is crap with money. You can’t carry on like this, having to bail him out every month.

Full disclosure of your finances is needed with a sensible plan in place going forward.

I think for persons who have joint finances, it's natural that everything is bought from the joint account and not with monopoly money.

Those saying 'at least he did', have barrel bottom standards.

Mother's Day didn't just creep up out of nowhere- he knew it was coming. He isn't having a bad month - he's habitually broke.

They have separate finances and he knows he has no self-control, so he should've bought the card/gift when he was last paid and put it away. All it would have meant, is a few less stops at the corner shop this month.
It's what grown-ups do.

If he's routinely paying you back for whatever he's charged on your card (or his share if it's an expense for the household/children) then he probably didn't think twice about charging the flowers. He should learn to budget and his current habits seem really childish and aggravating, but you're giving him a safety net so it's super easy for him to use it and he's unlikely to challenge himself to do anything harder while that's there.

I'm not sure a joint pot with someone terrible with money is the answer. That way he will just spend all of hers too! OP, how about getting him to transfer more for bills (eg. Food) at the start of the month so that you can set it aside? It's not ideal but it may be the only way.

Gosh, you may be able to plod along now but are you concerned about your future/preparing for retirement?

If you were both being sensible with money you may be able to save or at least be a bit more secure. He is draining your abllity to prepare for a rainy day which is a scary thing, especially with kids.

I would start thinking long term OP, not just getting through the next month.

This is my question . What is he spending it on?

But why tho? It's completely unrealistic if he has never behaved this way before.

It's like him waking up and deciding that you would be a completely different person from the night before. It makes zero sense

@Aftuwbdkaneuqbdmow
Will he return the money for them next week?
that’s the first thing

Then it’s sit and talk next week about the fact he is always rubbish with money and you don’t want him using your card now.
Explain that when he used your card on mothers day day you were already low ( would he have knew this )
Also say it felt poor as he should have saved some money for a special day.

I wouldn’t say anything today but have a proper financial talk next week.

I was in my very early 20's when we got together (he's 10 years older) and overlooked a lot of things on account of the good parts.

That's sad.

So does he transfer just enough to pay bills & the rest is his?

Tbh I couldn't be with someone who can't manage money.

Of course he has, OP isn't a bank providing him with an overdraft facility, it's HER money. Why exactly do you think he's entitled to take her money whenever he wants?

I'm staggered with the amount of women posting to suggest the problem is with your standards and that you just need to lower them.

All our finances are joint so technically I’ve been paying for half of every Mother’s Day, Christmas, birthday and adhoc present for myself for the last 27 years

💐💐.

Yep! Becoming a mother and being responsible for small humans that need you changes perspective!

But you didn't have children then. It's easy to overlook stuff when you're only responsible for yourself.

Living together for the first year was stressful as hell because he would be running out of money and not say anything about it until it had already ran out, then I'd be put in a difficult position and have to juggle everything myself.
He isn't a high earner but neither am I, I just budget accordingly.
The irony is I have quite severe inattentive ADHD.. and I'm the one shouldered with all of the budgeting, admin etc.
He is just no good with things like this.
I believe it was a similar situation with his previous partner.
I was in my very early 20's when we got together (he's 10 years older) and overlooked a lot of things on account of the good parts.

Sorry for you @Aftuwbdkaneuqbdmow - are the 'good parts' still worth it? Only you can decide that.

He hasn't used your money though if he's paying it back like usual. Yabu

So he’s nearer 40 than 30?

you do over look things until that one day when the hormone goggles wear off and you realise you’re saddled with another child only this one won’t grow up

I agree with @Woollypullie that he is stuck in a loop of using next months pay to repay his prior month ‘loan’ and so having less for the month ahead. Is the amount he borrows each month broadly the same or is it increasing ?

In reality, he only needs to break this for one month, to tighten his belt and not overspend for him to break this cycle and not be reliant on you.

That said, it sounds from your messages that you aren’t particularly happy to be honest, so perhaps there is more to think about than just finances ?

You would be better off without this man in your life. Not just financially.