He bought me flowers.. with my own money

@FroggyJBSI so agree! And as a pp said, men will happily go on doing exactly what they like until there's a big, uncomfortable boulder in the way. Someone else said to be the stone in his shoe. I say be the boulder in his favourite chair. Men can be like big, unattractive children.

Hi

l am sorry but l think yiur husband is well out of order. Is he taking the piss?

I do agree that If he had any thought for you he would have kept back even five or ten pounds back, for a nice bunch of flowers and a from somewhere like ALDI

This running out of money mullarkey is very questionable and has now become a regular thing for you. He sounds a bit of a shyster, chancer snd user to be honest.

Why does he run out of money? What is he really spending it on?

Does he have a secret drink or gambling problem? As Addicts behave often like your husband in some ways

You need to sort your budget and finaces out asap with him

I hope this post does not sound really mean

You sound like a good kind person snddeserve to be treated with love and respect.

Hope you can get things sortedvsoon

Best Regards

😻🤞👍

X

As long as he pays you back that’s fine but he needs to something to get out of the cycle. Part time job to clear the debt / build a buffer.

I expected this to be a post about a son and mother, not a partner!

OP does he have some sort of neurodivergence or something, which means he can’t handle money? (I know several people with ADHD who struggle). Otherwise what on earth is he doing with his money? You have children and he ‘runs out’ a week before he gets paid?

This is not about Mother’s Day but a bigger issue. It’s merely highlighted the ridiculousness of the situation.

But if you have never ever raised it with him on a decade…. Perhaps he assumed not important to you

either way, I don’t this that him spending £3 of his own money on some cut price flowers for you would have meant anything to either of you

Come on, that’s a ridiculous suggestion, very childish.

OP, you need to just change you financial “arrangement” with him, don’t bring up the flowers. Would you prefer he didn’t think of you on Mother’s Day?

Well they do say it's the thought that counts.

I can sympathise.

I am paying for the mother's day meal for everyone due to similar reasons.

It's just how it makes us feel isn't it.

When the kids are out of earshot, tell him you’re low on funds and need him to give you the flowers money.

but he gives it back and end of month is tomorrow

You’ve done the right thing by not upsetting your children. Sounds like he no choice but to get them from the children as he has run out of money. However, I can see how this would upset you and a conversation needs to be had about how to avoid this in the future.

Personally I find it weird when people with children have seperate finances. In answer to your post, if he transfers you the money back, then what difference does it make. I think the bigger issue is that this is a regular thing and perhaps you both need to sit down and do a budget

I think that his intentions in buying the flowers were good and it's unsurprising that he would borrow from you in these circumstances as this is the habit you have established together.
Some people are rubbish with money and it's hard for them to change or even understand what changing would involve, though those of us who don't have this problem can't see why they don't just budget and spend less if necessary.
You could suggest that he goes on some kind of course or looks into a StepChange programme, and/or that he gives you all of his money at the beginning of the month and you feed his personal spending money back to him week by week so he doesn't run out.

Stop funding him, it's just enabling him.

@Aftuwbdkaneuqbdmow when you first got together it didn't matter if he spent £20 in the shop, now you've got dc it does. Every £1 he spends on juice or snacks or whatever is another £1 that you can't spend as a family (same goes for vaping to be fair).

Are there things you'd like to do as a family that aren't possible because he runs out of money and you have to sub him? Could you plan together at the start of the month for a family treat - nothing extravagant, cinema and a pizza - that both of you contribute equally towards at the end of the month, using the money you both have left. If he's got no money the treat doesn't happen. You don't sub him his share. Obviously you woudn't have told dc about the potential treat to avoid their disappointment. That way his random spending has real consequences, not for your mothers day flowers, but for his dc.

Every time it happens he is prioritising his instant gratification over something nice for your dc. Is he really that selfish?

I would find it a real turn-off if I had to sub my partner at the end of each month - literally running out of money because he wastes money on crap all month is not acceptable.

As a grown adult he needs to build up a buffer of money for emergencies - what happens if an unexpected bill comes in? Well I guess we know what happens - you would have to loan him the money for that too.

You need to have a frank conversation with him - it’s not just about the flowers - it sounds like this arrangement is just not working for you anymore and I don’t blame you.

Same in our household except I'm the one that pays for everything. According to this thread generally (although not OP to be fair!) anyone earning less than their partner, nevermind not working at all, is scrounging from them.

He is bad with money and uses you as his own personal cash point.

You knew he was bad with money so much so you have to have separate finances.

He’s never needed to prioritise anything financially because you weren’t so bothered before. One could argue you should have been but it’s moot really.

Are you going to change anything about your current arrangement ?

Treat him like the child he is and refuse him any more “advances” ? I assume it is spare money for him and you both after income is already split and bills paid ? That you just manage your charge better ?

Don’t put a downer on the day.

He’s just used the system you have set up, and will pay you back.

If you didn’t want him to spend on your card this month you needed to be clear about that in advance.

He was potentially in a no-win situation.

Unfortunately some people never learn to handle money , they just constantly find new people to pick up after them and/or get into debt. There's a high chance your partner is like this.

What a loser.
Unfortunately he showed you exactly how big z loser he was and you okayed it by staying.

You need to make it clear that it is no longer ok.
You need to take a much bigger slice of his money and you need to stop giving over your card to him. Fxxk that.

I have 3 kids with part time jobs that manage their money better.

You need to get out of this relationship.
Start planning.

I understand why you need to keep finances separate but your money is still shared.

Even if he used his own card, I assume he pays half of the bills and so his money is still shared.

I think this is a red herring (and something you should let go of) and focus on the real issue of your relationship.

Why doesn’t he transfer ALL his salary to you when he gets paid, then you transfer him a weekly amount that he can spend on stuff for him and if he runs out, he has to cope until the next week.

I’d hate to have to baby a man like that as it would give me the complete ick, but at least that way he’d always be covering his share of the bills etc and only spending what he has left over on fun stuff 🤷‍♀️

Well I could say the same thing since we have a joint account and my DH doesn't work, but I don't think about it like that.