Was I wrong to ask this?

Does it always need to be casual and breezy, though? This is something that has been going on for a while and is understandably bothering OP a fair bit.

OP I think you're fine - didn't surprise me one bit when you said your sister has a hard time saying "no" to your niece!

Is your niece's sleepover that you and your child wanted, or something that your sister and your niece wanted? Your sister saying no more playdates would be a win for me as I wouldn't want your niece to come over as she ignores your request to not talk about your child's speech delay and neither she nor your sister care about your child being upset.

I'd take a break from both of them tbh.

My mum told me years ago that your loyalty must be to your own child, no-one else's. It really is as simple as that.

My sister can be hard work too. Any sign of me pushing back is met with hostility. I used to think having a bond between our children would help. It really didn't, in fact she picked up pretty quickly this meant I'd have playdates and sleepovers at the drop of a hat so took full advantage.

Someone is discussing your DS, her reaction tells you that as well as DN's behaviour. If she wants to use her DN as a toy and snatch her back let her get on with it and she can find someone else to entertain her.

My response would simply be. OK sorry you feel like that. Then step away. It sounds like you're far more useful to her than she is you, she'll be back.

Two of my DSs have had speech delays, I've never actually had a single child ask about or discuss their speech at any age. The kids at preschool and kindy just accepted it, in fact they often interpreted to the teacher for DS2 especially who was really hard to understand until he was 6. Unless there is some sort of cognitive delay there is no reason a 7 year old won't understand what you're saying and why. What you asked was completely reasonable. I do wonder if your sister has spoken about DS speech issues in front of her DD as its really not behaviour I've come across from a child.

My youngest especially had to be taught how to make the sounds, they both had a lot of speech therapy from baout 4.5. Sometimes they start younger but learning to speak sounds correctly does take a lot of practice and concentration and requires them to follow very specific instructions on placement and movement of tounge and teeth and lips. At your DS age what they recommend was recasting, so saying the words he got wrong back to him, in your own words not repeating, just so he can hear them correctly pronounced. Have you had his hearing checked? That's usually the first point or call, if they can't hear the sounds properly like with glue ear then you end up with mispronunciations.

I think your message was too long and a bit ott. I think you might have been better to say you are worried that your ds is upset by people commenting on his speech and could she explain this to niece.

No you are right. Your sister has overreacted. I think for the future if your niece brings it up say firmly that you have already explained this and that you don't want to talk about it at the moment. Your sister should be having a word with her daughter who is old enough to understand a simple conversation about how it might hurt her cousins feelings.

I would also step back from your your sister and her family, just don’t contact her.

I think cut back on how often you see your sister for a while. She does not sound like a kind or supportive person and DNiece has not been spoken to about manners sufficiently.

My DD is on the autistic spectrum and absolutely could have been told (and would have been!) "do not comment on X about Y" at that age and would have done what I asked, even if she didn't get what was rude about it.

She's picking this up from adults around her. Your sister is angry because she's embarrased.
Most 7 year olds wouldn't think twice about a young child not talking well, she's got this from somewhere.

Your sister is selfish and I would take a step back from seeing her. Why was her dd staying over? I wouldn’t have her to stay and if you see her at your parents, whisk your ds away when your niece starts.

This says it all really. This is her problem not yours. Niece needs to stop and if your sister isn’t going to ensure she does then I don’t see what choices you have really.
you could politely tell DN every time she brings it up that we’ve already talked about it and we don’t need to talk about it anymore. Your sister probably won’t like that either tbh though.
it seems like a bit of a loosing battle and I think you have to put yourself and your son first.

I'd roll my eyes if I got that text, tbh. There's too much detail in it for it to ever sound casual or breezy.

YANBU and also LOL at questioning George's qualifications. Maybe that's the bit that offended your sis, I mean how very dare you 🤣

Seriously though sounds best tbh if you don't see them for a while. I suspect your sister is angry because this has exposed that she is talking about it a lot in front of DNeice, who has picked up on that. Very much the same as with the comments about being rich.

You weren't wrong to raise the subject but it should have been done face to face. It's too easy for messages to be read in a tone that is different to what was intended.

at 7, unless SHE has developmental delays she should be able to understand and follow a simple request “please stop asking about his speech”

I’d be knocking all the free childcare for your DSis on the head tbh…

I might be an outlier but I think it probably matters more to your son how you react to these questions. If he is different, other kids are going to be curious about that and make comments/ask questions about it, and if you react like it's something shameful that shouldn't be talked about then that's what he'll internalise. My mum had a severe disability and always answered my friends' questions about her condition honestly and without shame, and I think it helped me to see that she wasn't upset by it. I think if you make a big deal about his cousin asking questions you're indirectly indicating to him that it's something you're worried by. By all means tell her it's rude to make personal comments about other people, but I think being breezy and answering her questions honestly shows him it doesn't bother you

I think you can be firmer with the 7 year old. My son is 6 and he would understand if, once I told him not to do or say something, he wasn't to do it again, and if he did it would be the end of being asked nicely. Adopt your firm voice and say "We're not talking about that anymore." I would also make a fuss of your 3 year old and check that he's OK after what niece said, that might help her get the message as well.

You did the right think asking your sister to have a word. The fact she is 7 is irrelevant, she is old enough to know that if someone asks her to stop she stops. The issue probably is her never being told no

2 options, she comes again and if she starts you tell her firmly to stop, that you have repeatedly, asked her to stop and that at 7 she is old enough to know that her behaviour is upsetting to her cousiN.if she continues I would simply send her home

the other options is not to have her over

You were totally right in asking your sister to parent her child on this issue - at 7 your niece is old enough to understand why she needs to stop doing this and stop it. Maybe you could try talking about her in front of her (without being unkind about her of course) and see whether she starts to get it. Your sister has been a dickhead.

Your sister is unhinged and you need to keep her child the hell away from your child.

She is 7, old enough.
Sounds like she has fixated on this.
Stop visits completely.

With a sister like that there is always going to be drama.
Do not respond and avoid her.

Not good for your son to be listening to this.
Not normal at all for her to be going on about it.

Your message is fine. Some people react badly to long messages, they feel like it is an attack.

I am an over explainer and anxious so I have always sent absolute novels, but I have learnt that people often prefer a breezy

"Hey, we are trying a new thing where we don't mention DS's speech in front of him, we are letting everyone know and so would you mind giving your DD a heads up for next play date? We loved having her BTW, she was great with the pancakes".

Your sister sounds like she may still take issue with it regardless of how it is phrased, but I have noticed my interactions improving since I changed the way I message :)

No you were absolutely not being unreasonable. Personally I would have had the chat with my niece myself and said “no more asking about that anymore, it’s really not very nice for you to keep asking, it’s private”. Or words to that effect. The likelihood of her grassing you up is pretty low and if she did then you could tell your sister why. Don’t back down or apologise, you did the right thing x