To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

I think it's rude. It's no different from pointing out that someone has a big nose or a bald head.
I'm convinced that some people think it's a choice. Of course it's not.
I'm not shy but I am quiet and I have had people try to "bring me out", which is patronising.

If someone tells ypu that you are quiet, say it is better than being a loud mouth, and STARE at them. They won't comment on your shyness again. It seems people can give it but they can't take it!!!!

I can only speak for myself, but I can say, hand on heart, my being quiet is certainly not due to me thinking I'm sensitive, cerebral or special. Very far from it. And if I'm being perhaps quieter than others in a work or social setting, it's because I'm just doing what feels natural to me. Focusing on what I am doing. Listening to other people's stories and enjoying them and chipping in when I am comfortable. I am absolutely NOT sitting in silent judgement of others. I have never done this. The only time I might judge others is if they decide to point out my relative quietness in a rude way. Some people are just naturally quiet, nothing to do with thinking they're special whatsoever. People should just be allowed to be who they are without getting judged and receiving snide comments for it.

And yet, look at you equating ‘loud’ with ‘obnoxious’.

Had this all through school and college. I hate how the louder and more obnoxious you are, the more confident you supposedly are. Quiet confidence is a thing and shy people bring so many positive, yet overlooked, values to society. We are truly a balance and an offset and an oasis of calm in the western world where people are actually taught to shout their way through life from a very young age.

This annoys me too.

I’m an introvert. I was well into my 30s when I realised I’m not shy, I’m an introvert and that is absolutely fine. I’m a teacher. My pupils would never ever describe me as shy. Because I’m not! In fact I was telling one class the other day how hard I’d found speaking to groups as a teenager. They couldn’t believe it.

The only time I’ve ever been “that parent” was when dd2’s school report included lines and lines about how shy she was. She was 9 at the time and I went mad. I pointed out that being introverted - not fucking shy - wasn’t a problem. She’s at secondary now and thriving because she’s not deemed shy. Sure, they’d like her to have more confidence in her abilities but they aren’t hard of thinking like her terrible, terrible Year 4 teacher who wrote off any academic success due to “shyness”.

Or it’s just different people living their lives in a way that they’re comfortable. Being naturally quiet is not opting out and it certainly isn’t some attempt at taking a moral high ground or something that should be reprimanded like queue jumping.

Your views seem a bit bizarre and like you’re taking it personally that some people are quiet and are pointing out that being naturally loud and outgoing shouldn’t be the bar everyone is compared to.

Have you read Quiet by Susan Cain? It talks about introverts and I know being shy, quiet or introvert aren't necessarily the same thing but it is very validating for all of the above!

I think there is a misunderstanding that everyone else in the world is supremely confident and ‘loud gobshites’ and that shy and quiet people are somehow more sensitive and more cerebral and more special.

That’s why there are always sneering and pass agg comments on these threads about ‘empty vessels’ and loud ‘shrieking’ ‘braying’ extroverts. Whenever ‘shy’ people start threads like these you could write the bingo card of insults.

The reality is that many people fear speaking publicly and even the most confident looking people are often insecure and anxious about small talk, meetings, presentations and new situations. Unfortunately the world runs on communication and if we all sat opting out in the corner then fuck all would get done.

That’s why shyness is commented on in public. It’s a societal nudge in the same way that queue jumpers and inconsiderate parking is commented on. It’s a cop out. It’s being unfair. It’s sitting in silent judgement of the ‘loud’ ones and thinking yourself special whilst contributing nothing.

One of my extravert friends would say "sorry she's shy" if I was being quiet in the pub. I don't go out with her any more. I obviously made her uncomfortable and she felt the need to apologize for me. I imagine it would make her feel good but it made me feel 10 times worse.

She was a bit of a narcissist to be honest. I obviously didn't play the friend role she had assigned me properly. Not my friend any more.

One of our team members is very, very quiet. A couple of workmates tried to encourage her to feel more comfortable with us by talking to her but just got monosyllabic answers back.

Everyone just ignores her at work now because she never talks. She never says anything in Teams meetings other than yes or no if asked a direct question.

I don't think she is just a shy introvert because even shy introverts are quite happy to have a conversation now and then.

@Wobblysausage we have a very loud person in our office who always shouts when he is on the phone. It is very distracting and I am so tempted to ask him to stop shouting.

It’s always used negatively as well like we’re abnormal. Imagine if we told loud people they were too loud and needed to stop talking in the way they tell us we’re too quiet and needed to talk more. They’d find it rude.

I'm autistic and often go non verbal when I feel overwhelmed or when I don’t like someone. I used to mask it and really try to join in conversations to appear normal and be accepted but now I don’t give a shit and I just sit in silence or I just walk away. They were never going to like me anyway so why bother.

I tend to just make excuse and leave the conversation 😅

I have no idea what I am. I'm ok speaking at work, but don't share much about my life. And I struggle when people talk too much at me. Makes me want to hide away in the quiet.

I too was called shy or quiet throughout my life so I know how you feel. It was always phrased as a bad thing - never with any appreciation that it might come strengths. I definitely internalised it as a flaw. Finding out I was autistic was a turning point for me as I finally understood the 'why'.

The world needs all sorts of people and being shy or quiet isn't a failing.

They do on here. All the time.

There are a lot of extrovert vs introvert threads on MN, and in most cases posters misinterpret the real meaning of both.

The "introverts" hate people and the "extroverts" are loud snd brash. Neither of which are correct descriptions of what it means to be introvert or extrovert.

You have two options ...

1. Keep feeling hurt every time someone says it.

Or

1. Let it go. Whenever someone mentions it in future just think to yourself 'yeah I am and that's ok, so what?' and move on.

Why keep being bothered by it? It's who you are, so just accept it and that other people comment on it. It is what it is. Stop being bothered by it...

You’re completely right. There’s a weird status quo where everyone assumes that because some people are naturally outgoing and social that should be the norm and naturally introverted people should be the ones to make fundamental personality changes!

I hate being called shy too and sometimes when my manager says oh Heretobenosy is just shy to be extrovert DW, I feel like raising it with her and tell her ‘I’m not shy, I just don’t care. I don’t want to socialise and make small talk with the team, I just want to do my work and get paid. Don’t mistake my ambivalence for shyness!’ I make the effort and go to some social activities outside of work but my team are constantly having ‘shared lunches’ sorry I don’t get paid for my hour lunch and I none of your kitchens have food hygiene ratings so I’ll pass thanks! But I’m not a rude to people’s faces (Just in my head lol) so people think I’m shy!

I really want to but I'm not rude too shy .

I absolutely hate it when my DD3 doesn’t immediately respond to adult strangers and they go straight to ‘awww are you a bit shy’? - I’m probably being massively unreasonable but it does make me grit my teeth, i just find it really patronising.

I’m always tempted to say ‘she’s not shy - she just doesn’t want to talk to you’…..maybe I will one day!!

Totally agree with this. Being quiet or reserved isn't a personality failure - it's not us causing upsets and dramas!

I agree. It's annoying that being shy and or quiet is seen as being a negative trait. I have been called both of these things by people that I would consider a loud gobshite...but apparently that is a more desirable personality.

Yes. My daughter is only 3 and people are already calling her shy and commenting on how quiet she is. It annoys me so much and she's started calling herself shy because others do it.

Yes, shy and introvert are not in anyway the same.

I am definitely not shy, but I've always thought it's a rude thing to say to people. It's not even dressed up like a back handed compliment either, just openly said as a negative trait. You wouldn't go around saying "you're so loud and in your face" so why is the reverse OK?

I can imagine the worst part is, your personality means you don't feel able to say anything back - it sort of makes you even more 'shy' about being shy and makes everything worse but you don't have to change yourself to suit the loudmouths around you. I guess you could play up to it a bit and say nothing at all when a comment is made (pretending you're too shy to even respond), make the atmosphere briefly awkward, and eventually they'll get bored and move onto someone else.