To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

This is a bit of a jump. You are assuming they don't interact and respond. I have social anxiety and have struggled with this my whole life. But I always respond when I'm spoken to, and actually, I can be a very chatty person (and overtalk) when I get comfortable with someone. It's almost like I'm so self-conscious of being shy and not wanting to seem boring, that I then talk too much. In groups, I will stay quiet, but one to one, I'm more of an open book. In my appraisals at work, I'm always told I get on well with people and I make them feel relaxed. Even though I'm quiet, nobody has ever told me I'm rude. Rude to assume that really.

op, you mentioned feedback from managers.

i do think that people should choose jobs which to some extent match their personalities.

if you are shy and hate talking to people you don’t know then if you choose to go into sales you probably are going to get a lot if feedback that you need to talk more and be less shy.

because the job depends on making connections with people and persuading them to buy your product.

equally, if you don’t like talking to people and are quiet it’s a good idea to (try to) choose a job where this isn’t a key skill - although most jobs involve some level of having to talk to people.

i have social anxiety and some people did call my shy when I was younger. It does hold you back, I really struggled to communicate with adults and with colleagues at work.

Agreed. It’s not a positive or even a neutral thing. It’s an inhibition, something that potentially hampers a person’s social and/or professional life.

Interesting. It can have far reaching consequences when people tell us who we are. We start to believe them and then that mindset becomes very hard to undo.

We will have to agree to disagree here.

“nervous or timid in the company of other people.”

A definition of shy grabbed off Google, nervousness is a negative emotion, who wants to feel nervous around the company of other people? I certainly don’t want my children to feel that way.

Being quiet, reserved, introverted etc is not a negative thing, but feeling shy is. That’s why it’s not valued, and that’s why it’s rude to call people shy. If it wasn’t a negative thing, why would it be deemed rude to call someone it?

But to me, I see being loud and overly chatty as being rude, but I don't constantly ask chatty people why they're being so loud and tell them they need to change themselves so I don't perceive them as rude.

People are different, that's what makes us interesting.

It doesn't have to be negative. People are different. And I know what the thread is about, I have read it. I was adding my experience of people calling me shy.

You can be both.

sorry .. my point is- your child should be being reassured that he is good enough as he is. He doesn’t need to change to fit someone else’s idea of a good person/ student. Some teachers do not recognise this as many love
the sound of their own voice and became Teachers for a captive audience.

As a teacher I constantly advocate for shy children. I find that teachers are always wanting to ‘support them to be more confident’ but often this is just so so exhausting and they should be allowed to be interested / engaged etc without fulfilling the teachers idea of ‘showing engagement’ by constantly talking to the whole class etc.

i was always a shy child, thankfully in an age before ‘no hands up’ or ‘pose pause pounce bounce’. I was constantly on edge if I thought I’d have to speak in front of others. (The register!) I’ve become more outgoing gently, over time - I’m still reasonably shy I think. No amount of well meaning ‘support’ would have rewired my shy personality

It is a phase for many people though. Meeting new people and talking to people I didn’t know very well made me anxious and stressed as a child, and I didn’t enjoy the experience. I don’t feel like this as an adult.

I guess the underlying traits are there - I described upthread a networking situation I find very uncomfortable and stressful that other people seem to manage - but it’s so rare that this is an issue these days that I wouldn’t call myself shy. Which I have to say, is certainly a positive for me.

I agree.

Yes, I had it all through childhood and so did my DC's. Turns out both of them are autistic - shyness is a trait in many autistic people, especially girls. One of my DC has selective mutism. Really unhelpful when people say "oh you're being shy".

One thing that might be worth considering a bit is that for some people, being in the company of a shy person makes them feel deeply uncomfortable. They can go from being confident socially to being anxious, because they feel the shy persons lack of response is dislike or boredom. So they are now in a stressed state and more likely to say something dumb. It seems to me that many shy people presume everyone around them is secure because they are talking but it's not always the case, everyone has different comfort levels. I don't think anyone should be asked to change or be commented on but I think its important for people to understand each other.

Are you quiet and reserved, or are you shy? They are different things. Whilst being quiet and reserved might be a symptom of being shy, it can also just be the way someone chooses to be, or is, but not based on shyness.

This thread is about being called shy, which definition is based on nervousness, it’s a negative thing, I doubt anyone would want to be shy any more than they would want to be obnoxious.

It sounds like it's become a sensitive issue for you OP, I think most comments are just passing remarks but I agree it's not nice and they should keep their thoughts to themselves. For me if someone says ah you are too nice it gives me the rage even if it's meant to be a compliment. It goes back to work situations where I always felt criticised because I was soft spoken and hated being unaccomodating to customers (when many colleagues were). I think it's no harm to acknowledge that your reaction is probably a bit disproportionate.

I've also had this all my life. I'm not changing. If loud people are allowed to be loud and outgoing, I'm allowed to be quiet and reserved. Not sure why they've decided they're correct and everyone needs to be like that. It sounds like a nightmare to me, I value peace and quiet too much.

My father is a very shy man

He's been called (to his face and behind his back) 'ignorant','quiet','perverted' (one woman clamied he was staring at her-he wasnt,he was washing up and the sink was in front of the window)and 'thick'

He's a very intelligent man (mensa intelligent) but is just shy and doesn't do 'in your face' and somehow that's wrong

Thankfully he just ignores any idiot that thinks this but it still pisses me off that just because he's shy,it means he's wrong

I can relate completely. I was/am constantly told the same - every parents evening, etc. It's tiring and hurtful when people talk about it like it's a fault in my personality. I do think I have social anxiety. I had counselling for my quietness when I was a teen. I then wasn't able to go to a shop by myself and buy anything. My counsellor told me that talking to me was like talking to a 2 year old (hasn't met many 2 year olds obviously as my son talked a lot at that age 🙄 ) but I was (i think) understandably very hurt by this and it's stuck with me now and I'm now in my mid 30s. I don't know if her tactic was to offend me into changing but if only it were that easy!

Shy people gain more confidence with age too. If you are a shy person you are shy. It's not a phase if it's just you and the way your brain works.

If people think there is nothing wrong with being shy (I agree) that's great but comments about 'I grew out of it' dont tend to come from people who value shyness.

You can just tell people you don't like talking to other as you have no interest in their boring stories.
It quickly shuts them up.

I was called shy as child and only in my late 20s I discovered I am introverted and simply don't like chatting all day long.

🎻

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read here. Get over yourself 😂

I agree it’s rude calling someone shy, but then if it’s rude to say that I think you have to concede it’s not perceived as a positive personality trait? I don’t think thing both things can be true.

I have a couple of friends who are very shy and both are very frustrated by it and recognise the challenges it has caused them.

Shyness generally tends to come from a lack of confidence I think, not that being loud is the answer, but being selectively quiet or not needing to fill every void with noise etc is not shy.

Some people are just naturally quiet, nothing to do with thinking they're special whatsoever. People should just be allowed to be who they are without getting judged and receiving snide comments for it.

Exactly! Also quiet doesn't mean introvert either.