To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

I would also recommend this book. I have been quiet my whole life and am happy this way, but I still found her book very validating.

Surely you need to take responsibility for at least part of this? By not speaking up, and saying ‘I can do the more difficult papers’, you allowed yourself to be under-estimated.

I was underestimated all through school due to being quiet/shy. I remember in a maths end of year exam at secondary school I was given the easiest papers to do, I did so well I was given the harder papers to do - then I did so well in those i was asked to do the extension paper!
People make all sorts of incorrect judgements about quiet/shy people. That's what I find rude and annoying. I'm happy being called shy, just don't assume it also means I'm X, Y and Z too.

Wow yes this should be discussed All the time my daughter was at school teachers would say how quiet she was as though it showed low self esteem some people are naturally quiet Then in work places your seen as someone inadequate and likely bullied it's so easy to bully the quiet one

Yeah she shouldn't say you just noise that's rude!

I try my damndest not to bring unwilling reserved people "out of their shell"

I think the key is knowing whether a quiet person is too shy to strike up a conversation but would really like to have someone to talk to or whether they just don't want to engage with anyone at all.

I find that if I start a conversation with a quiet person and we end up having a conversation then that is fine. If I get monosyllabic answers I leave them alone, and that is also fine.

It's all about knowing your audience.

I was called shy and too quiet when I was younger by both school and parents as if it was a negative trait. The label has stuck and it’s part of who I am now. I’ve always lacked confidence and feel not good enough.

I have massive social anxiety and absolutely hate being with a large group of people. If a lot of people are talking, I just can’t hear and can’t process information. I get a huge urge to just run away; my heart rate goes up and I start to panic.
At work conferences, I spend a lot of time hiding in the loo! On one on one situations I tend to babble to fill awkward silences.

People make bad assumptions, like:

Reserved = shy = introvert.
Chatty = confident = extrovert.

And then apply weird value to them:

Confident = good (but not too confident, which is bad).

So they presume that reserved = not confident (and therefore bad).

Humans are stupid like that.

I speak as a chatty, confident, introvert. I try my damndest not to bring unwilling reserved people "out of their shell" 😀 sometimes I wish I were more reserved as I'd surely say fewer regrettable things.

copied and pasted from google search for shy. Not sure what should come after the sentence in bold.

Is shy positive or negative?

Shyness has generally been investigated as a negative and unpleasant emotional state, strongly related to social anxiety and loneliness. However, recent evidence has suggested that shyness may have a positive and socially adaptive form

Introvert / extrovert doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being shy / quiet, from what I've read.

What do you do when you feel drained, fatigued, out of sorts? If you are an introvert, you'll retreat and need time alone to recharge your batteries. If you are an extrovert, you'll seek out company because it picks you up and gives you energy back.

i'm a total extrovert: the time I spend in company with others (hanging out with family, chatting with colleagues, etc) gets me through the times when I need to be alone - like to focus on complicated work or admin stuff. My best friend is a total introvert: she needs time alone to get her ready for the social interaction that she needs and wants to do - working in a team, social events with friends, time with family. She's not remotely shy or quiet btw: she's one of the most assertive people I know 😂

When we hang out together, it's great - but she's always the first to say goodbye, and I know she'll head home and shut the door on the world with a sigh of relief. Whereas I'll go home and be happy to bump into another friend on the way, or to chat to DH and DC when I get in.

I have been called both of these things by people that I would consider a loud gobshite...but apparently that is a more desirable personality.

Well, no. It isn't. It's funny how only the self proclaimed "introverts" think that being loud is desirable. I dislike people being loud, yet I wouldn't describe myself as an introvert. I am happy and chatty in company, but I am never loud.

I think this is a cultural judgement. I understand that in some other cultures ( maybe Finland?) being quiet is seen as a mark you a good listener.

This annoyed me too. When people said this about my kids in front of them I would always reply, ‘No, he’s just taking time to check you out. That’s very sensible.’

DH is quiet and introverted. TBH he does come across as rather aloof, and a lot of people think he doesn't like them.

However, shy he isn't. He is just quiet and happy to let other people do the talking.

I was giving example of how being shy (which might, for example, manifest itself by not initiating conversations) does impact others. Nothing you have said changes the fact that being shy does affect others.

It's interesting that you class yourself as shy and introverted but are very quick and comfortable to label someone as bitter in order to insult them because they have a different view to you. I can only guess you aren't as timid when on an anonymous forum as you are in real life.

People tell me to shut up! Mostly my introverted friend - she says I just ‘noise’. I didn’t get upset but was a bit annoyed .

As a child I was taught that being shy was a form of arrogance - why would anybody be thinking about you at all? I was also taught that keeping the conversation going was kind of a duty, and that it was rude to opt out of it.
I am naturally introverted so I always found this difficult. I also have a huge fear of oversharing - God knows why, but I feel icky if I think I have shared something in any way personal.So I have now learned the art of keeping conversations going but keeping myself out of them.

@Dukekaboom see, this is assuming again. I am shy, and an introvert, struggle with social anxiety. But I still start conversations (I actually don't like awkward silences.. part of my social anxiety i guess!?) And I take part in workplace banter (usually one to one.. much quieter in a group). There's been many a time it's gone quiet after I've said something and I think to myself 'did I say too much?', so quiet/shy doesn't mean mute. So you can stop feeling bitter (this is how you're coming across anyway).

I think this is the issue - it actually totally does make a difference to others if someone is shy or introverted. It means the other person has to be the one making all the conversation and doing all the hard work to keep it going.
A silent meal or drink out, for example, would not be alot of fun. A totally silent workplace would also not be a productive or welcoming place to be. If we all decided not to talk or initiate conversations (based on shyness), the world would be a very isolating place. So it massively does impact others.

Yes it is rude, because it is meant as a criticism not a compliment.

Would you say to someone the opposite?
"You really are too much"...also rude.

I heard a mother reply with that when another mother said it about her child. "I'd rather she be thought of as shy, than too much".

I nearly burst out laughing at the mothers face as she tried to figure out was it a dig?🤔🤣

I was going to agree with you but then I remember about the fact that some people who are extroverted actually can have problems doing some very basic things that shy people could do- like making a telephone call, going somewhere like a cafe on their own. So it's like they are extroverted in general and outwardly but also display characteristics of shyness.

Maybe there are different sorts of shyness? I've known one or two people who I would say are extroverts, people who are happiest in others' company and recharge by being with them, but for different reasons, eg previous bad experiences/ bullying) prevents them interacting with others as much as they'd like? (Not helped by others pointing out their shyness!!) I suppose that's a temporary feeling in a lot of their cases though, rather than being naturally shy?

Yes. People really need to leave others alone and accept them for who they are, and definitely stop whingeing and complaining that others are different. It's just an adult form of bullying. I thought we were in a World of accepting diversity, if not celebrating it these days? Or is it only acceptable and congratulated when it's about people being gay, disabled or ethnic? How about we apply the same inclusivity for character traits too?? Or is that too much to ask. What I don't get is that it makes no difference to the extroverts if someone is more introverted or shy.

Shy extrovert is an oxymoron. It doesn’t make sense. An extrovert absolutely doesn’t have to be unthinking or loud, but they won’t be shy, otherwise they wouldn’t be extroverts.

Absolutely agree. We need to get away from this idea that extrovert means loud or unthinking, just as introvert, quiet and shy are all different things. I've met some talkative and obnoxious introverts, as well as shy extroverts! And the majority of extroverts I know wouldn't dream of belittling quiet people with bitchy comments.