To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

Had this all my life, from a little girl ‘oh aren’t you shy’ so mortifying, like it’s some sort of problem. I agree it’s rude, just let people be who they are.

In our son's case, it was just a matter of time, and growing self confidence which happened in the work place via nurturing colleagues. We saw him in person every month or so once he'd left home and moved to his job, and could see how he "grew" into being more confident, just by being around other adults 7 hours per day in a professional/respectful workplace.

It certainly didn't come by some random people bullying him by telling him he was too quiet!

His workplace is very open to ND people (not that son is diagnosed with anything), but ND awareness helps people who are just naturally a bit quieter/shy without a label. It's the nature of his profession really, and attracts a lot of "geeks" who are Maths geniuses. One example is them having "quiet" rooms where they can go to chill out if things are getting too much for them - no questions asked, no challenges however busy, and guaranteed no disturbances. DS has only used it once, but he said it was a massive comfort to know they were there if things got too much, so it enabled him to push his own boundaries, knowing there was a safe place if he ever needed it. Just go in, put the "do not disturb" sign on the door, and you're left in peace, and can come out when you're ready and no one bats an eyelid! That's the kind of thing to really boost self confidence - the ability to try something and take a risk - no comebacks, no questions asked, if things go wrong!

Schools have it massively wrong with the bullying of "out of the ordinary" pupils by teachers, whether it's the classroom, the sports fields, the gym, etc. Whether it's not being gobby in class, or poor co ordination in games lessons, etc. "Team work" isn't nurtured, you basically have to get on with it and are bullied by the teachers if you don't. That's the opposite of the gentle persuasion and confidence building that they should be doing and does cause more harm than good. No one is going to be a better sports person or less shy/quiet by someone telling them to be better or talk more.

They need to be encouraged, not criticised.

I find it interesting how being shy is perceived (by non-shy people) as 'not trying hard enough'.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say next in a conversation. Other times I might be slow at processing so my brain is still working through things - and then (frustratingly) when I have processed and am ready to say something, the conversation has moved on. Other people have mentioned selective mutism - sometimes when I am uncomfortable or overwhelmed I literally can't speak.

I think 'you need to talk more' is a very simplistic way of looking at it.

Totally get where you are coming from.
I remember the feeling of tearing up at parents evenings/ school reports when my quietness was constantly mentioned. I would say I have gained so much more confidence now but I will always be naturally quieter, think I'm better in 1-1 situations. .

Also understand your frustration when you feel like you've 'done well' and perhaps been more chatty/ outgoing but then somehow still labelled as the quiet one! I have had that on numerous occasions and sometimes I watch others and think well they are talking just as much as me but somehow they aren't labelled as quiet. It's strange isn't it. Also hate it when people say things like 'the quiet ones are the worst' or sarcastically 'will you stop talking you are so loud'

I am definitely making peace with it as I get older, there's nothing wrong with us and we aren't any less of a valueable person. The amount of times I have wished I could be different!

I too had this all through school as a shy introvert despite achieving very highly academically. My DS is now exactly the same.

Probably surprisingly, I've been a teacher for years as it's sort of like an act for me. I'm always a huge advocate for shy, quiet or introverted children at school. Finding ways to make them feel comfortable to share what they know and socialise with others is always achievable. Children like this always have so much to give when they are ready to do so and are often the ones that surprise me the most.

My shyness is not as obvious now as it once was but it's still there. It has never been a problem or a negative for me though, I have amazing life long friends and I can communicate and socialise with anyone when I feel comfortable with them. This would not be anyone who pointed out my shyness or quietness in a negative way though!

Yes it is rude, as most shy people are uncomfortably aware that they are shy and don’t need it pointing out, it is undermining. I really dislike the concept that shy people are ‘arrogant’ thinking that others are thinking about them. The self-consciousness and anxiety isn’t voluntary.

I’m in my 50s, and was pretty much mute as a child, from both shyness and modelling my parents, who are from a quiet culture. Over the years I’ve had countless people call me shy, though less so, the older I get. I still find it a struggle not to be self-conscious, but am always careful to hold up my end of the social bargain by chatting at work, to friends, at social events etc. I just don’t go out of my way to speak to strangers if I don’t need to, in the way I see my extrovert friends do.

Very quiet people and very loud people are both annoying. Try and show some interest in your colleagues and listen to them properly too. Don’t be rude to everybody either to rabbit on, or to sit in silence.

Recently I bumped into one of DS's nursery teachers. He's now 18, so it's been a while! She asked me if he's "come out of his shell now? Coz he was shy." 🙄

I'm an introvert and I work in a school; a loud, busy environment. At my break times I (along with others) like to sit quietly in the staffroom and regain energy. Without fail, someone will crash through the door and bellow the door and bellow that "it's like a morgue in here!" Double 🙄🙄

It's not about being an extrovert/introvert. Even though everyone on MN loves to put people neatly into one of the two camps.

Yes in a work context being "shy" causes issues. Too nervous/insecure to give a presentation, speak to people from other companies/departments, won't speak up in meetings or give an opinion, won't ask questions of managers/colleagues. Can come across as rude and standoffish.

As an extrovert, I can confirm, yes they do. I get told to be quiet all the time 😂

Mum had this, I had this, my daughter has it at school. I shut down a teacher at a parents evening recently because she said DD doesn’t want to discuss the topics in the class. I admit, doing English Literature, discussion is part of the course but it’s not an area DD is strong on and I think that’s fine. She’s turning in good work and shows understanding of the texts. This teacher is the classic, “I never hear from Little Penney” and I say, ok. The teacher tries to get me to care like she does but I really don’t. I say to her this is where our education system fails children who do not have the right personality.

We are shy but we don’t need it to be pointed out to us. It’s rude. Being shy isn’t a deficit, it’s a personality type. I have nothing against loud people, though I can’t spend too long in their company before needing an excuse to go home. I don’t need mending. There’s nothing wrong with me or anyone who I love that happens to be shy.

My sister (a psychiatrist) always told me my DD had social anxiety and I should do something about it (without telling me what).
Sure she’s nervous if she has to stand up and talk in front of people (who isn’t) and may find entering a room full of strangers a bit intimidating, but she’s an introvert and doesn’t really care about people. She has realised she needs to ‘make nice’ on occasion to get what she wants, but does not feel the need to be all smiles.
If a kids is happy and progressing what does it matter if they don’t talk much? She’s at uni now and has several positions of responsibility.
If they feel intimidated and anxious to the point of them freezing/not producing that’s a different issue.

No idea why you think I am not a shy person. Never good to make assumptions!

A shy person is able to recognise that being shy can impact on others and also be detrimental to their own careers/schooling etc (as others have themselves said).

@BurntBroccoli and @taxguru what helped your dc with growing int confident you people?

IMO There is nothing wrong with being quiet as long as you can speak up when you need to. Chief in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest always springs to my mind.

So why don't extroverts care that shy/introverted people feel exhausted and stressed when they're around extroverts who are constantly chatting etc?

It really does work both ways. Perhaps both kinds of people need to move slightly more towards a middle ground.

But it seems that you're convinced you're right and that it's the shy person who should be more like you. How about you being more like the shy person??

"It is such an inherent part of who I am and it feels so hurtful to be constantly reminded of how my quiet nature is not good enough and I need to try and be different."
I think you may be misreading. I doubt that others think you being quiet is "not good enough". I suspect that they may be concerned that you could be missing out, a very different thing.

Some of us do!

That’s brilliant about your son. Same experience here.

Yes I read Susan Cain’s book too and it opened my eyes to a lot about myself. I wish it had been available when I was 10!

I was also looking at some old school stuff of my son’s and it was full of the words ‘quiet’ ‘shy’ and needs to speak up more.
He has turned into a very confident young man though and I never labelled him as shy as a child. Just explained that some people are different than others.

If any teachers are reading this PLEASE stop calling pupils shy or “too quiet” and read the Susan Cain book.

But it's ok for the extrovert to feel pressured and uncomfortable, so long as the introvert doesn't?!

The point is both impact both. So everyone needs to be aware and conscious of that.
And this is why its completely untrue (and comes across as incredibly selfish) to say that being an introvert/shy doesn't make a difference to others. It makes a huge difference.

Actually it is really a complete no no to say in front of children about them.

Children that are labelled as shy, become shyer.
Those that are encouraged towards mingling, looking people in the eye, making an effort to play and gently encouraged can gain dxtra confidence.

There is no way I would allow that to stand. I would firmly contradict it and make it very clear I thought it very rude to speak about a child like that in front of them.

I got the same at parent's evenings. I was "quiet" in class in that I'd not shout out answers and be continually asking questions, but I did what I was asked, I'd answer questions when directly asked, and I'd ask if there was something I didn't understand, etc. I certainly wasn't "mute" but nor was I "gobby".

But so many teachers at parents evenings would spend the 5 minutes telling my parents I was too quiet and had to speak up more. Time wasted that they could have been spending discussing my actual work, marks, etc.

I'd hoped that teachers would have been more aware of different personalities these days, but we had the same at my son's parents evenings. He went through secondary in the top 5 of virtually every class, never once missed a homework, etc., yet it was the same bloody stupidity at parent's evenings. "Yes, he's doing really well, but ,,,,,,,,,". By this time, I was a lot more bolshy and challenged some of the teachers who said it, I asked them exactly how he could have improved on his 95% in the end of year tests by being louder? When challenged, they couldn't actually answer, and all admitted that he'd always answer questions when asked, and worked well enough in groups etc. I do wonder how he'd have got better than four A*s at A level by being more gobby! He also went on to get a First degree in Maths at a top 10 Uni, and got a really good job at one of the UKs biggest insurance firms, and after just 18 months there, has got a promotion. Funny how his internal appraisals at his Blue Chip employer never complain that he's shy and too quiet!!

So you want the shy person to feel pressured and uncomfortable because otherwise the extroverted person may feel pressured and uncomfortable! Proves my point really!