To not to invite MIL to everything we do?

You have to be firm with your boundaries to protect yourself and your family.

Learn to not care if she's "offended". That's it really. "We're going to be having some family time on Wednesday but we'll see you on Saturday!". Cheery, factual. And pretend not to notice the sulk.

Your dh needs to grow up and realise that you and dd are first level family and come first.
His dm is now relegated to level 2. Just ignore her and do your family stuff without her. Dmil can huff and puff but she essentially needs to learn to entertain herself now

This is crazy, I have no idea how you haven't lost it before now. Does your husband actively want his mother around this much or is he afraid to establish boundaries with her? Neither are good but you can work on the latter at least. Stop telling her your plans, stop leaving any windows open for her, see her (possibly)more than you would like but a lot less than she would like and stop alloying her to dictate terms. Clearly this woman has no common sense or empathy so I'm afraid it's up to you guys to put in place and maintain good boundaries because she never saw one she wouldn't trample over.

This is really reassuring. I found the post quite triggering too as I completely resonate. I'm probably somewhere in the middle of OP and you, where I'm in the process of trying to deal with it. My MIL definitely triggered my PPA and my husband only recognised it after I hit a wall and had a bit of a breakdown (not using that word lightly). I've had therapy and it forced me to be honest with my husband which has been helpful because I don't think he recognised it before and he has been supportive, to an extent. The main outcome though is that I'm really working on myself because I'll never change her but it's difficult to be assertive in these scenarios when it doesn't come naturally and it's not something I've ever encountered before DS was born.

My MIL cried when we said we were spending son's first birthday as a family (party arranged for the following day). The birthday plans are one of the easiest first boundaries to set because it's being discussed in advance and your husband is involved in planning - she already knows so just stick with it, you can say it's a "we" decision (so you're not carrying all the responsibility) and reassure her the party with everyone there will be lovely. We're approaching my son's second birthday and (touch wood), there haven't been any questions yet but we're doing the same this year - family day out on his birthday and visiting family in the days after. Hoping the short term awkwardness first time round has set the benchmark for this and subsequent years.

Having become somewhat of a people pleaser to my own detriment after my son was born, you should do something that you and DH will enjoy so you have a lovely memory of the day.

Why did she stay for six nights at Christmas if she is nearby? Is she on her own?
That sounds pretty excessive.

From the way you write about him it sounds like he is still in child mode around his mother and expecting you to be like a sibling albeit the naughty one who is not doing as she’s told.
Have a conversation with your husband, establish that you are both adults now and work out from all the previous excellent advice how you are going to move forward.

Your husband's family is you and your daughter, and it's this family that comes first. Not his Mum! You have included her in a lot of your plans but you are entitled to do things as a family without her. For your MIL to expect you to include her on every outing and you all to come to lunch every weekend, is too much. You need to nip this in the bud now, as if it continues you will grow resentful of her. Your husband needs to say no, and stand his ground. Including her sometimes is fine, but not all the time, and she needs to understand that. I am assuming there's no FIL or they're divorced? Does your husband have siblings?

I’d say ‘dd is my daughter and I treasure time with her, it’s limited since lm working. When your mum is around she basically takes her away from me, and I can’t handle it any more. I am going to spend much more time with dd on weekends that does not include your mum, who doesn’t make any allowances
for the fact that I am dds mum. You can do what you want, but I’m sad for you if you choose to substantially miss out on weekends with your child who is growing up so fast. We aren’t going shopping tomorrow morning, dd & I will go for a walk. Your mum is not invited, nor is she invited out for DDs birthday.

Oh dear, it sounds like she's doing a Mummy Rerun. She likes to pretend that your DD is her baby.

You need to be firm. 'This trip is just for us, MIL, we want to spend some time together.' On repeat. If she's offended, that's on her and everyone will think she's batshit to get upset about her DS and his wife and baby wanting to do things together.

Oh, and move. A couple of hours away is the best distance, I've found.

Why on earth does she stay with you for a week at Christmas when she lives nearby?

I'm 45 minutes from my kids and grandkids and there's never a reason for me to need to stay.

As for her insisting on taking your kids out on mother's Day morning...nope.

Your DH needs to recognise that you three are a separate entity. It's lovely to involve grandparents (I'm appreciative of every moment that my DDs involve me in their family life) but he's acting as though he still lives with her.

Agree with both of these.
OP learn to ignore her complaints. Invite her when it works for your family and accept no more bullying from her.
Ask her to move away when you're doing nappies etc.

What else does MIL do with her time? As well as taking the excellent advice above how about dropping in suggestions for hobbies , volunteering etc to help shift her focus? You really need to smile and do as you like here. Be very strong with DH about putting himself in your shoes. Why your dh thinks it’s ok to go out shopping at 9am leaving you alone on your first Mother’s Day is crazy. I hope you’re having a cup of tea in bed and cuddles with your little one instead. 💐

Yes! Stick to your lovely plans of a family celebration and then a family day out, just the three if you. Make sure your husband keeps to this as well. If mil is having a huff, try to laugh it off (with tinkly laugh) saying she’s having more toddler tantrums than your child… Don’t cave.

You need to be crystal clear to dh

If your mum comes it will literally ruin my day with my daughter because of your mums behaviour.
Is that acceptable? Do you want me to enjoy my own daughters bday or have it ruined.

Secondly if your mil doesn't realise this is upsetting everyone how can she change it.

Either dh or you need to gently tell her or just ignore it op.

I've got little patience for these mils who do this now because mine did it and my dd is older teen and I look back at how fleeting those days where

Tell your DH he needs to back you up or move house.

She sounds like a complete pain in the arse. You can massively cut back on the time that you see her without being mean. You have invited her to a party for your DD's birthday. She is being completely unreasonable to make a fuss because she isn't invited to your day out as well.

Why on earth does she change your DD into different clothes at her house. That is such a passive aggressive thing to do as though the outfit that you have chosen isn't good enough.

Is your DH and only child? Is there a FIL? You will need to put your foot down if your DH finds it difficult to manage his mum's ridiculous expectations of her role in your lives.

She's a grown woman, let her sulk.

@Aceofspadess if she lives so close that she can come for sunday lunch then why the hell are you allowing her to stay for 6 nights over christmas??? I would not have that. you need to tell her if your dh wont. she cannot come to everything with you. you and your family and not there to fill her social calendar!

Let her be offended.

do what you like with your weekends

Wow she sounds bossy and overbearing. Time to decide how much time you want to spend with her and stick to it. Get your dp on board so that you can create a United front with you. Why on earth did she stay with you so long at Christmas if she’s local?

Is she excluding you from the planned Mother's Day shopping trip on what is your first as a mother? This is unacceptable and would certainly raise a red flag with me. When she suggested the shopping trip, your husband should have made it very clear to her that was not happening.
What is their relationship like? Time for some very firm boundaries from both of you but especially your husband. Start today. Let him go shopping with his mother but make it clear your daughter stays home with you, her mother. Give him some clear choices. I would think about cancelling lunch today but possibly a step too far at this present time. However it would be a definite NO to the birthday plans.

Priority needs for your DH to find himself a spine op

It’s okay if she gets offended. How she reacts to you creating boundaries is up to her.

You need to stay strong and be consistent, otherwise it will get worse.

If she takes your DD while your back is turned, I would walk to your DD and take her back.
Your DH needs to understand that you also need time alone as family of 3 and he needs to be also the one communicating it to your MIL

I feel for you, OP.

In a similar situation this advice helped me - using more assertive but still polite language, ie replacing the words 'sorry' or 'please' with 'thanks'. If you have not done anything wrong, you do not have to say 'sorry' and 'please' implies there's a choice, whereas 'thanks' underlines that the decision has already been made.

Stop explaining your decisions or giving options when you don't want to - watch out for 'but' or we 'wanted to' or ' could' or 'should', instead try ' we are' or ' we will' or ' is' statements.

For example:

' Hi! DC is spending her birthday with her Mummy and Daddy, thanks so much for thinking of her. Looking forward to seeing you Friday at the special Grandparents' party.'

As for MIL repeatedly telling you how to do things, I found pleasantly saying to my MIL 'oh, yes, thanks, I remember you telling me that' stopped that fairly quickly once it became my consistent response.

The clothing changes and taking her off you is ridiculous. DH needs to step up. Hopefully baby will start to resist soon, too.