To think we should bring back shame when it comes to bad life choices?

You're on AIBU complaining that people aren't judgemental enough?! 😂

Brava, @borogovia !

Do you feel shame OP for starting such a foolish thread?

How do you propose this shame is dished out though…

Are you suggesting bringing back the tutting at single mothers or something bigger?

How about a good old fashioned lynch mob?

I do actually agree with this. Especially the last paragraph. A dislike of what people do that doesn't hurt anybody else is nothing to be judgemental about - or if you must, keep it to yourself.

Things that damage/cause harm should be taken stock of and I agree that we shouldn't benignly let those take root. Dropping litter as an example from PP, definitely, but what do people propose to actually do other than set a good example? Judge the wrong person as a member of the public and you're likely to get a smack or at least a volley of abuse.

Nobody is perfect, and that includes you op.

You are not wrong OP. But have you seen how entitled people are on some of the threads. Apparently there is no such thing as a bad choice. It’s always someone else’s fault. Society, you neighbours, the school, even your pets, why not?

If all else fails, you can diagnose yourself with some kind of mental health disorder. I mean why take any responsibility for anything. Everyone else owes you a living, self validation, emotional support, you name it.

You're not serious? This board, in particular, is chock-full of people who live for impotently judging other people. The only good thing is that whilst they're frothing away in judgement here, they're leaving real life people alone.

This is such a bizarre post. Do you mean, oh I should have taken maths, physics and chemistry at A level not English, History and Art, what a shame? Or do you mean, I shouldn't have punched the bus driver in the face, shame on me!

I honestly don't think shame always helps. I don't really think the hand on hip judgemental attitude gets anyone very far either. But being remorseful and reflecting is a thing , I suppose.

Yes - it’s the immigrants fault! All that is negative and bad in society is all down to the immigrants!

🙄

(It’s especially hilarious that “not respecting one’s elders” is seen as The Immigrants fault. LOL!)

Shame is such an unhelpful emotion.

Have you not read any Brene Brown?

Guilt can be helpful as it can be a driver for change, shame does not lead to good outcomes.

Anyway, I am not seeing this non-judgmental world you live in. Most people I know feel accountable for their own decisions. I am not sure what world you are in.

@CountryMumof4 I have sort of disassociated from what happened. There's not a big age gap between him and me and we are very close.

I was in a relationship for years with dd s dad but it didn't work out. I think what will be will be.

I m now working in education helping young people so sort of feel like I got there in the end. Financially secure drive a nice car etc.

I don't feel I m anything like that girl from the 80s but I do feel sad for her and I have brought dd up to stand up for herself.

I completely agree. Sometimes people haven't been in control of their circumstances and people don't know/don't bother to understand the whole picture.

So sorry you went through that - it must've been incredibly tough and I have huge respect for you making things work. Your dad sounds like he was a wonderful man and support.

If I was born in another time I d be a fallen woman. Raped as a teenager and kept the baby. I had been drinking true but actually was wearing modest clothing (my school skirt). Should I be marched to the magdelene laundry and incarcerated?

No because it was the late 80s. I have never told anyone the truth except my ds when he became an adult and then my dd. I was ashamed but I m not now.

I m a survivor and my ds is a lovely man who had a brilliant role model in my late dad.

Don't shame anyone that you don't know the story of.

I am always interested to hear more about this pre-multicultural utopia I hear of - where people were decent and shame was plentiful…

Quick question - what was life like for young working class women during this period of high standards and politeness?

I wish we could. People lambast stigma but I thing stigma as a controller of behaviour can be a good thing (and far more effective than the law).

But we have so venerated “no judgment” that I think the horse has long bolted and will never be locked up again in the stable.

I think also the issue is people tend to want to shame things they solely dislike even if it causes no harm to anybody else.

There’s a saying about glass houses that springs to mind here, so be very careful what you wish for here.

The trouble with shame is that you can’t just restrict it to people who do terrible things. It spreads, and usually onto people who don’t deserve it. Let’s get to the stage where we can convince victims of abuse that they have nothing to be ashamed of, before we start worrying about whether a feckless father feels bad.

You need to say more about what sort of 'bad decisions' you mean. I think that people like Trump should be ashamed of themselves, but people at the top have always tended to be rather shameless; that's often how they get to the top!

Are you talking about people's consciences, and their often not feeling sufficiently guilty for harming others; or are you saying that one should have the right to shame people for making different decisions to oneself?

I'm not sure in any case that we are less judgemental no than in the past. I think that there is (and quite rightly) more judgement toward sex pests, for example, now than 30 or 40 years ago. Also, with everything going onto social media nowadays, it's much more difficult to conceal past foolish behaviours.

My friend has made a whole lifetime of bad choices and continues to. She's schizophrenic. Shame wouldn't make a jot of difference. Not everyone has the capacity for shame.

I quite agree. Bring back the stocks for dog foulers and people who litter. It’s really bad where I live for that. Also for bigotry in any form. I think we get into difficult grey areas much beyond that.

Are you my mother, OP? She really would have enjoyed this 'shaming' movement. And yes of course it is a ridiculous and cruel idea.

What kind of poor decisions? What kind of shame were you thinking? Like bringing back public hanging? The stocks? The scolds bridle? Workhouses for the poor and needy? Taking babies away from unwed mothers against their will and leaving them in institutions for decades?

FWIW I think there’s plenty of people shaming others in our society, far more probably than say 20-30 years ago at times.

Emotional intelligence at its finest!

I just got a parking ticket for not parking correctly in the parking bay where I've parked for 5 years

It's the same ticket inspector who loves issuing tickets for silly reasons. I judge him!